


the beginnings just another end

by AmericanCanada



Series: The Offical TBJAE AU [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Animal Death, Anxiety, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Depressed Victor Nikiforov, Depression, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Group chat, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Online Friendship, Online Relationship, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, Panic Attacks, Possible Character Death, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Swearing, like jfc yurio chill, spoiler tags;
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-01-09 18:30:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 43,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12282084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmericanCanada/pseuds/AmericanCanada
Summary: Victor Nikiforov has friends. He's four time world champion, figure skating god, beloved by most. He's won more medals than he knows what to do with, has more fans than anyone could count, and more money than he could ever possibly spend all of.Only one problem; Victor Nikiforov has no friends.So, he searches for some. And he finds them in a group chat room titled "crazy people talk about figure skating".





	1. just take a breath and let it go

**Author's Note:**

> Hey hey! Welcome to my newest project, "the beginnings just another end"! This idea refused to leave me, so here we are.  
> I've already written the first few chapters, so hopefully I can keep a semi-regular update schedule ^^; 
> 
> A lot of this fic will be written in chatroom format, as that is where most of the interaction between the main characters will take place. So sorry if that's not exactly your cup of tea ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 
> 
> Also, please take note of the tags! There will be some bad thoughts in here! Please don't read this if it may affect your health. 
> 
> Both the title of the fic and this chapter come from the song, "Just Keep Breathing" by We The Kings.
> 
> Thanks and welcome to my fic!
> 
>  
> 
> _Come chat with me on[Tumblr](https://undadasea.tumblr.com) where I post little snippets from this fic, as well as occasionally write drabbles!_

It's been said that fame makes you happy, but Victor never understood that. Sure, he had money, a beautiful apartment, the best coach, amazing food, and yes, maybe he got to fly around the world more often then he stayed at home. However, he didn't have friends, he didn't have much of a family, he didn't have a lover, or anyone he could call besides Yakov. The only love in his life came from his beloved poodle, Makkachin, who had boundless energy for such an old dog and could out run Victor on a good day. If he ever got to spend any time with the poodle, of course.

Lately, his whole life seemed to revolve around one thing; skating. Every where he went, it was skating this, skating that. He steps out of his apartment building and someone recognizes him on the street, _"it's Victor Nikiforov, wow! Can I have an autograph?"_ he goes to the grocery store and the tabloids talk about how _"the worlds top figure skater eats brownies???"_ , heck, even in his own home whenever he gets a twitter notification it's either a fan asking about his skating, a reporter asking about his skating, someone liking one of his many posts about skating, or something else _about skating_.

For all that Victor loved the sport, he was so, so tired of it. It seemed lately, however, that there was no escaping it. No matter what he did, it was and would always be figure skating. 

That's all he would ever be remembered for, and Victor hated it.

He could never put a reason to why he did though. He didn't hate the sport itself, or else he would retire (and lord knows he's old enough to). He didn't hate his fans, they had supported him for so so long. He didn't hate the press, they were all working people who had to make a living too. He didn't...

He did. He hated himself.

This realization came as a major shock to Victor one day as he was cooling down from his practice by skating near the wall around the rink. He hated himself. Hated the way he was always so tired no matter how much sleep he got, hated the way his bones ached from old injuries, hated the way his mind brought out so many negative thoughts about people who had done nothing wrong.

He wasn't alone in the rink. Across from him skated the young Yuri Plisetsky, a star of his own- in the junior division. They had both stayed late, making a long practice much longer the later they stayed into the night. Victor stopped in his skating, turning to glance out the window, looking at the dark sky where stars hid behind the smog of St Petersburg. It really was late.

Another glance at Yuri saw the younger skater staring right back at him. He tried to give a smile but despite his many years of practice, this one seemed lackluster in comparison. He let out a sigh and moved over to exit the rink.

"Hey, Victor."

Said man turned back towards the direction of the voice. "Yes, Yuri?"

"Do you have any friends?"

Victor froze. _Friends..._ Sure, he could say that. There were plenty of people who would love to hang out with him. Who would come running if he asked them to. But he wouldn't return the favor, and that stung. 

One of his signature smiles split across his face. He hated how fake it felt, and couldn't remember the last time he had smiled out of pure happiness. "A four time world champion like me?" He laughed a little too loud and waved a hand dismissively. "Of course! Goodnight, Yuri."

His skate guards attached, he quickly made his way back to the locker rooms to change. 

The way Yuri had said it, mocking, really hit him. He had asked as if he already knew the answer, just wanting to humiliate the senior skater in a space he felt safe. He tied his sneakers on, stood, and, grabbing his bag, made for the exit. _"Do you have any friends?"_ His mind jeered in Yuri's voice. No, he thought in answer and stared up at the sky, no I don't. 

_Ha, pathetic._

He knew he didn't have a life outside of skating, he had admitted it to himself a long time ago. No life, no love. But to have it so viciously waved in front of his face? That was just cruel.

Victor let out a haughty laugh into the cold air, his breath misting once it left his mouth. 

Maybe he should get some friends.

Ha.

_Wait-_

Maybe he SHOULD get some friends.

Victor stopped in his walk home in favor of staring at the snow in thought. He could make friends. It couldn't be that hard, right?

All it took was a little bit of companionship, lots of talking, opening up, being friendly and happy and-

Nope. Couldn't do it.

Victor honestly couldn't remember the last time he had been happy. A long while ago, probably. Or maybe just recently. He knew he had a bad memory.

With another huff into the freezing air, he continued on his way home.

He supposed it couldn't be that hard though, if so many people did it. Everyone had friends. Except him. But he was the only skater to land a quad flip perfectly in competition. If there was one thing he could do, this would be it. Or, at least he could try.

Before he knew it, he was in front of the door to his apartment, key in hand and pushing the door open. After it got all the way open, he stepped in, shut the door, and waited for the tell tale footfall that greeted him every time he got home.

And there it was, claws scraping against hardwood floors as Makkachin came bounding up to him. Victor gladly opened his arms and let his poodle hop up into them, Makkachin licking his face happily. He carried the dog over to the couch and set him gently down. "You hungry Makka?" He called as he made his way over to the fridge. At Makkachin's happy bark, he continued. "Tonight is leftovers. I know your not a fan of eating reheated food, but I made too much yesterday, so you'll have to deal for now." He popped his dogs dish into the microwave before beginning to pull out stuff to make himself a sandwich. 

Once they were both finished with their food and cuddling on the couch, Victor pulled out his phone and opened up his internet browser. His fingers hesitated over the keyboard before decisively typing "how to make friends" into the google search bar. 

Yes, Victor knew how pathetic it was to google something so simple, but he had spent the whole time he was eating trying to think of some way to make friends who didn't or couldn't learn that he was famous because apparently famous people couldn't have friends, only people who wanted to hang out with them to improve their own image.

He opened up an article named "Making Friends; for Dummies" but closed out of it as soon as he saw that he'd have to be seen.

This would be a lot easier if he wasn't a living legend, wouldn't it?

A sigh was the only sound in his too-large apartment aside from his and Makkachin's breathing. 

There was no way he could make friends without them seeing him and knowing his name...

But... Wait.

His eyes strayed over another link in the google search, a post talking about how great it was to have online friends. Online friends? He poked into a bit more, and with each link he opened and read, his smile grew and grew. This sounded like the solution he was looking for.

Online friends; people you met online, who won't see your face unless you send a picture, who won't know your name unless you tell them.

The perfect solution. 

Now... "How to make online friends" was the next thing typed into google, and he waited anxiously for the page to load with links. When it did, they were mostly articles again, but there were quite a few that led to "chat rooms". Huh. 

This lead him to google once again. Chat rooms; a webpage like a dm between lots of people, often beginning with a single common interest and growing from there. At least, that's how Victor understood it. With a quiet and slightly annoyed huff, he typed "figure skating chat room" into the search bar. As much as he hated the idea of this being about figure skating, _once again_ , he also knew that it was the one thing in his life he knew well enough.

Though it didn't really help with the whole "anonymous" thing, and his anxieties skyrocketed at the thought that the only way to make friends lead to him being known as a famous skater.

He clicked open a chat room with a simple enough name, "crazy people talk about figure skating". Simple. Right.

Victor let his eyes flicker around the page it lead him to, an introduction page.

_RULES:_  
-No trolling  
-Don't be a bag of dicks  
-Don't disrespect anyone, chat member or figure skater  
First time failing to comply to these rules will get you removed from the chat.  
Second time failing to comply will get you banned for a week.  
Third time failing to comply will get you permanently banned.  
Just a group full of figure skating fans, enjoying each other's company and talking about our lovely figure skaters of all kinds; Female, Male, Juniors, and Seniors.  
Feel free to join!  <3 

Sky blue eyes blinked at the screen. To say he was slightly confused was an understatement. However, Victor was nothing if not stubborn once his mind was set on something, even if it was his own common sense trying to persuade him to stop. 

The intro said it was a group of skating FANS. So, disguise in place. He'd be a fan. He knew of his competitors well enough, Yakov having drilled it into his mind since he was young that he should watch all up-and-coming skaters to see how good they were.

And so, with his jaw set in determination, he clicked the "join chat" button.

Only to be stopped by an error message in the middle of his screen.

_"Please put in a username! We'd like to be able to call you something!"_

....Oh. Well, Victor supposed that made sense.

But... It wasn't like her could use his REAL name. One, it's never a good idea to give out your real name online. Two, then he'd kind of be blown. However, for someone who had been choreographing his own winning routines for years, Victor wasn't really that creative.

He must have glared at the username box for ten minutes straight. He didn't want to sound ridiculous, but those types of names were all that came to mind.

Then, in a brief flash, a nickname Yakov used whenever he wasn't pissed off (so, rarely) came to mind. With a shrug, Victor typed it in, took a deep breath, and hit the "join chat" button again.

The page began to load.

It opened on an ever moving string of messages.

_**katsucky:** it wouldn't be THAT irrational_  
_**lightafire:** yea it would. Yakov has never let a skater move up immediately_  
_**demon-cat:** ok but consider,,_  
_**demon-cat:** Yuri is different???_  
_**katsucky:** ^^^ he's always had a different air about him_  
_**katsucky:** he;s not like Yakov's other skaters_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** alright kat, ily so don;t kill me_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** but_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** I think vf is right_  
_**katsucky:** i cannot believe you_  
_**katsucky:** my own roommate_  
_**Everyone please welcome ; vitenka**_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** ooooo fresh meat _

Victor had the sudden feeling his life was about to change. For better or worse, he wasn't sure yet. But being called "fresh meat" worried him considerably.


	2. If there's a meaning, can you show me a sign?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we meet two of the other users and learn that Victor has no chill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I broke-  
> I was planning on posting this Friday but I got excited and am posting it a day early!
> 
> This chapter has quite a bit more chat room style than actual talking.. but you get to see the continuation of 'vitenka's entrance to the group as well as how the argument about Yuri got to where it was!
> 
> Anyway, as always, drop a comment or come talk to me on [Tumblr](http://www.undadasea.tumblr.com)! I post my favourite lines from this fic as well as the occasional drabble, and I'll happily answer any questions (that don't give too much away ;))
> 
> Today's chapter title comes from "Rockstar" by A Great Big World!
> 
> Hope you enjoy!~

Unlocking the door to the apartment Yuuri shared with Phichit was always an adventure. Once, it had entailed Yuuri scarcely avoiding getting knocked out as Phichit swung a frying pan at his head, having thought he was being followed on his way home. Another occasion lead to Phichit almost calling an ambulance when he saw Yuuri laying face down in the middle of their living room area, only to figure out that Yuuri had tripped over an hour earlier and had simply given up.

This specific day showed to Yuuri his roommate upside down on their couch, his head grazing the ground and his feet on the headrest. In his hands he held his phone, which wasn't surprising at all honestly.

"Do you enjoy headaches?" He asked the other with an exasperated huff of air as he dropped his backpack on the couch next to his friend.

Phichit just blinked before waving his phone at him. "Yuuuuuri! Vf and Dc are arguing again."

Yuuri just sat on the floor in front of Phichit and squinted at the upside down screen. "Are they ever not?"

"There was that one time," Phichit pulled his phone back to himself. "where they got along for five minutes in mutual agreement that your free skate was underscored. Of course, Vf completely ruined it by mentioning Guang Hong, but still." Still upside down, Phichit laid one hand over his heart and the other on his forehead dramatically. "We shall never forget those five minutes!"

"One," Yuuri held up a finger. "It wasn't underscored, I messed up my step sequence. Two," another finger. "I'd gladly forget those five minutes. And three," a third finger joined the fray. "How long are you going to stay like that? Because it's kind of weird seeing you this red."

The other skater chuckled. "Vf made a bet with me that I couldn't stay upside down for a whole argument."

"Oh great." Yuuri deadpanned and pulled out his phone. "What are they fighting about and how long will it take?"

One moment he had a phone, the next he did not.

"Nope!" His friend, who more often than not seemed like a demon in the flesh, had snatched his phone right out of his hands. "No phone until dinner is cooking. It's your day, Yuuri."

With an annoyed grumble, Yuuri stood. When they had first moved in together, Yuuri had insisted that they take turns in cooking every day so that they could both try new foods and neither would do more work than the other. Now, almost two years later, they were using blackmail to avoid having to cook. 

However, Yuuri was fresh out of blackmail right now (not that it'd be hard to get more, with the crazy antics Phichit got up to) and seeming how they had had some Thai peanut chicken dish last night, his evil roommate was right, and Yuuri had to cook.

As he pulled out a few potatoes, he called out to Phichit, "Will you at least tell me what the argument is about?"

"Yeah yeah." Phichit waved his hand briefly. "Basically, Vf said that there was no way Yuri Plisetsky was going to join Seniors this year and Dc got really offended about it? And now Dc is telling Vf off about Yuri P's scores and quality and stuff."

Yuuri cut most of the way through the potatoes and placed them on a cooking tray as his friend went on about the scuffle between the two younger chat room members. He melted some butter in the microwave and added garlic to it, stirring as he finally replied with, "Ha. Honestly, the season just ended. Can't they wait a little bit before getting into this?" He spread the butter-garlic mix on top of the potatoes. Yuuri could smell the calories from where he stood but come on, the season was over. He could eat a bit of unhealthy food tonight, and be back on track tomorrow.

"Do you even know these two?" Scoffed Phichit, almost sitting up before remembering his bet. "Ugh, my head is starting to hurt. If these two don't end it soon I'm going to get brain damage."

"Like you haven't already." Yuuri laughed and placed the food into the preheated oven, then meandered back over to Phichit. He held out his hand and soon, his phone was back in his grasp and the chatroom was loading.

_**lightafire:** his scores could honestly be better_  
_**demon-cat:** i cannot BELEIEVE you_  
_**demon-cat:** Yuri's scores are amazing and you are just jealous bc you couldn't jump over the flip side of a penny_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** I'm not sure that that's how that saying goes.._  
_**lightafire:** yOU TAKE THAT BACK DC_  
_**lightafire:** RIGHT NOW_  
_**demon-cat:** make me :p_  
_**lightafire:** i didn't say he sucked but_  
_**lightafire:** he needs to get better before he can be a senior ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯_  
_**demon-cat:** bitch he will get better_  
**_Everyone please welcome ; katsucky_** __  
_**demon-cat:** wtf do you think th off-season is for?????_  
_**demon-cat:** hey kit-kat_  
_**katsucky:** hey darn-cat_  
_**katsucky:** now_  
_**katsucky:** what the hell happened??_  
_**katsucky:** mom only told me so much_  
_**lightafire:** dc here thinks that Yuri Plisetsky is gonna go into seniors this year_  
_**demon-cat:** vf is trying tto find a bullshit way to say that he thinks Yuri P sucks_  
_**katsucky:** guys chill_  
_**katsucky:** there has got to be an easier way to go about this  
_ _**lightafire:** nope_

Yuuri took a deep breath. "Dear God." He mumbled as he glared at his phone. 

"I know right?" Phichit chuckled.

_**hamsteroverlord:** not even their mother could calm them :'(_  
_**lightafire:** alright but ome on kat_  
_**lightafire:** who's side are you on?_  
_**lightafire:** bc you gotta admit,,_  
_**lightafire:** it'd be pretty irrational to think that Yuri P would move up so soon_  
_**katsucky:** it wouldn't be THAT irrational_  
_**lightafire:** yea it would. Yakov has never let a skater move up immediately_  
_**demon-cat:** ok but consider,,_  
_**demon-cat:** Yuri is different???_  
_**katsucky:** ^^^ he's always had a different air about him_  
_**katsucky:** he;s not like Yakov's other skaters_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** alright kat, ily so don;t kill me_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** but_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** i think vf is right_  
_**katsucky:** i cannot believe you_  
_**katsucky:** my own roommate_  
**_Everyone please welcome ; vitenka_** _  
_ _**hamsteroverlord:** ooooo fresh meat _

Yuuri blinked. "A new comer?" He glanced up at his Thai friend, who just shrugged as well as he could when upside down. 

"It IS a public chat, Yuuri."

"I know but," Yuuri frowned at his phone. "It's not like people are always joining us."

"True."

_**katsucky:** hi??_  
_**demon-cat:** welcome to the madness, vitenka_  
_**lightafire:** ohohohohoho~_  
_**lightafire:** a new comer~_  
_**vitenka:** fresh meat?_  
_**vitenka:** hi there!_  
_**hamteroverlord:** welcome stranger ;)_  
_**demon-cat:** vitenka? you russian?_  
_**vitenka:** yeah, i am!  
_ _**katsucky:** another person who walks in the same country as our lord and saviour_

"You mean Mila Babicheva?" Phichit laughed. He didn't get a chance to try and avoid the pillow flung at his face.

_**demon-cat:** oh god_  
_**katsucky:** Victor Nikiforov *^*_  
_**demon-cat:** kat you ave like_  
_**demon-cat:** 0 chill_  
_**demon-cat:** can you not tone it down for 2 econds_  
_**katsucky:** nope_  
_**katsucky:** it's not possible_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** trust me, dc. i have tried._  
_**vitenka:** aha, i suppose so ^^;_  
_**vitenka:** btw yuri is so gonna move up to seniors_  
_**vitenka:** have you guys not seen any of his recent practice videos??  
_ _**vitenka:** he uploads them literally every other day_

Before Yuuri could reply, he heard the obnoxious beeping that was their oven timer going off and had to scurry back to the kitchen to pull out the potatoes and re-apply the garlic butter. He stuck them back in and found his way back to the living room, taking a seat next to Phichit's legs.

"Still arguing?" He asked even though he was already typing in his phone password. Yuuri heard a non-committable groan and snickered.

_**lightafire:** aRE YOU SAYING YOU KNOW YURI PLISETSKY_  
_**vitenka:** no???_  
_**vitenka:** omg how laughable_  
_**vitenka:** he's a world-class skater_  
_**vitenka:** i am but a humble fan_  
_**demon-cat:** ha._  
_**hamsteroverlord:** it's not that wild a theory_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** maybe you HAVE met him_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** i mean_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** you do live in russia_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** not saying you live in st petersburg specifically but  
_ _**hamsteroverlord:** you've probably been to russian nationals before i bet_

Yuuri squinted at his screen. "What the fuck did I miss? Why are you guys saying that 'vitenka' knows Yuri?"

"Honey, whatever you're making smells great." Phichit smirked. "'vitenka' just heavily implied that he spoke to Yuri.P about his senior debut." He explained with a shrug.

_**katsucky:** don't listen to mom_  
_**katsucky:** he doesn't know shit_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** KATSUCKY._  
_**hamsteroverlord:** LANGUAGE._  
_**vitenka:** mom???????_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** THERE ARE YOUNG CHILDREN PRESENT._  
_**demon-cat:** fuck_  
_**demon-cat:** shit_  
_**demon-cat:** crap_  
_**demon-cat:** bitch_  
_**katsucky:** hamsteroverlord is mom_  
_**demon-cat:** bullshit_  
_**katsucky:** bc he acts like a mother_  
_**demon-cat:** bastard_  
_**katsucky:** and acts like he's a fucking saint_  
_**demon-cat:** mother fucker_  
_**demon-cat:** damnit_  
_**katsucky:** but he could out swear a sailor and bring Thor to tears_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** D E M O N - C A T_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** I CANNOT BELIEVE MY YOUNGEST SON_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** assuming vitenka isn't younger than 14???_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** IS USING THAT KIND OF AWFUL LANGUAE_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** btw kat i am a fucking saint excuse you_  
_**vitenka:** nah, i haven't been that young for a long while ^^;_  
_**katsucky:** "i am a FUCKING saint"  
_ _**katsucky:** bitch wHERE_

It was Yuuri's turn to fail in avoiding the flying pillow.

"I am a fucking saint. I cannot believe you. In front of the children!" Phichit screeched, dramatically gesturing over to the hamster cage where his three hamsters were snacking. "What would your parents say?"

Yuuri was rolling around on the couch in amusement. "Well mom would probably scold me, Dad might just roll his eyes."

_**katsucky:** mom is upset that I swore in front of his hamsters_  
_**vitenka:** ????_  
_**vitenka:** how'd you do that??_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** bc kat is an ass_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** who happens to live with me_  
_**katsucky:** fuck you this was my aprtment first_  
_**demon-cat:** oh my god mom_  
_**demon-cat:** what is with you americans and your giant lack of chill?_  
_**katsucky:** and fuck you dc I am not american_  
_**demon-cat:** yea yea whatever_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** ANYWAY_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** what led you to the madnes that is whatever the hell this chat is, our dear vitenka?  
_ _**vitenka:** google_

Yuuri left to check the food one last time, this time adding cheese on top of the potatoes as well as the last of the butter before putting in back in for another few minutes. "Hey, Phi!" He called. "Food's almost done!"

"'Kay!" Came the affirmation. Yuuri opted to just wait in the kitchen this time, as the food was only going to be in a few minute longer, and pulled out his phone form his position leaning against the table.

_**hamsteroverlord:** asdfghjk omg_  
_**demon-cat:** we're on google???_  
_**demon-cat:** hot damn_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** DC!  >~>_  
_**demon-cat:** chill, ma_  
_**katsucky:** what did you google to bring you here??_  
_**vitenka:** ......_  
_**vitenka:** it's kinda embarressing..._  
_**hamsteroverlord:** aww c;mon~_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** we won't judge!_  
_**katsucky:** you have entered a no-judge zone_  
_**katsucky:** not even dc_  
_**katsucky:** right, darn-kitten?_  
_**demon-cat:** shut your trap, kit-kat_  
_**demon-cat:** but fine, whatever_  
_**vitenka:** hgnnn... alright..._  
_**vitenka:** i was googling how to..._  
_**vitenka:** make friends..._  
_**hamsteroverlord:** AW *pounces*_  
_**katsucky:** that's not embaressing, vitenka!_  
_**katsucky:** it's actually kinda common_  
_**demon-cat:** you have no friends??_  
_**vitenka:** yea, not really :/_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** well! welcome to the friend group!_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** where things get weirdly personal and there is no escape_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** just ask kat, he's tried_  
_**katsucky:** i have. you will never escape. sorry ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯_  
_**vitenka:** oh boy_  
_**demon-cat:** we'll be your friends_  
_**demon-cat:** ignore mom, he's just strange_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** and hungyr_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** KAT_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** WHERE IS OUR FOOD??_  
_**katsucky:** oH MY GOD MOM CHILL DID YOU NOT HEAR THE TIMER???_  
_**katsucky:** GET YOUR ASS IN HERE AND SET THE TABLE_  
_**katsucky:** we've gtg guys_  
_**katsucky:** we have food and school ;n;_  
_**katsucky:** night  <3_  
_**demon-cat:** ew, school_  
_**demon-cat:** night sucky, night mom_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** BYE BITCHES_  
_**vitenka:** goodnight!_  
_**katsucky:** you two should go to sleep too, it's like, 1am  
_ _**demon-cat:** god, and i thought hamsteroverlord was our mother_

Yuuri laughed and shut off his phone. No more distractions tonight. He stared across the table as he saw Phichit finish his message and set his phone down too. It would likely be picked up again later.

With a sigh, he served Phichit and himself each a potato as Phichit began to strike up conversation. "So, what do you think about the new person?"  
"'vitenka'?" At Phichit's nod, he continued. "He seems alright, I suppose. He might stay. He was looking for friends, and he got us. It has to be fate of some type."

Phichit laughed. "True. But then again, it takes a special level of weird to stay friends with us. I'm not sure if he has that."

Yuuri just shrugged. "He might. We only spoke to him for a little while. It may take time to show." He took a bit of his dinner that seemed more butter than potato. "Or you may be right, and then he'll leave and never come back. Nothing we haven't dealt with before."

"You're right there, friend." Phichit took the final bite of his potato, swinging his fork at Yuuri a he added, "So, about that homework you said we have to do..."


	3. Apart we're still together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An argument between 'dc' and 'kat' leads to a joke the Victor isn't sure he can handle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol whoops here we go again! two days early this time!
> 
> however, since this is the last pre-written chapter, it's probable that this is the last time I'll be able to update so soon... I'm going to aim for an new chapter every Friday though! ~~someone please hold me to that~~
> 
> I was having so many problems with uploading this chapter gAH. It posted once or twice when I didn't want it to and Ihad to learn _so much more about coding_ because it wasn't working with how I usually do it. I really hope no one saw it when it was up before now ;//;
> 
> This is definitely not my favorite chapter, but I hope you enjoy anyway!
> 
> Comments help me write, I swear. Also messages on [tumblr](http://undadasea.tumblr.com). Please-
> 
> EDIT: Oops! I totally forgot! Today's chapter title is from "Alone" by Alan Walker

It wasn't until a few days later that an unwarrented yet not unwelcome thought came to Victor; he really liked talking to the people of the "crazy people talk about figure skating" chatroom. They each had their own lives, and none of them treated him special, aside from feeling the need to explain inside jokes to him. And they only did that so he didn't feel left out. Not a single one of them seemed to think any higher of him than they did anyone else.

It was thrilling.

Something as simple as this made Victor smile more than the past few gold medals he had won. To be treated equal, to be taken off his pedestal. 'demon-cat' often 'screamed' at him over silly mistakes, 'hamsteroverlord' fussed over him when he stayed up past midnight, and 'katsucky' joked with him over the fact they both had poodles. Every now and then 'lightafire' would jump in and ask endless questions about his opinions on different things, and someone named 'whodranktherum' popped in a few times but barely said a word.

And Victor was learning a little about each person as they spoke.

According to 'hamsteroverlord', 'whodranktherum' was better known as Snow, and they were the admin of the chat. Usually more active, Snow had recently been swamped with family troubles and work, so Victor hadn't really gotten to know them yet.

'lightafire' seemed really to be the only one who used the chat for it's intended purpose; to talk about figure skating, a fact which she did not fail to shout every time she got on. She seemed to irritate 'demon-cat' just a bit, since he didn't talk nearly as much when she was on. She was also the only one who made Victor remember that he is an internationally famous ice skater, and made him really have to think about his answers lest he give himself away. And Victor believes that her nickname is 'vf', but he's not sure why.

'hamsteroverlord' was kindly refered to as Mom by everyone in the chat. He lived in the US, and shared an apartment with 'katsucky'. They often bickered in the chat over silly matters like who was supposed to cook dinner and when the other would be home. Victor had asked 'demon-cat' about why they didn't just text each other, but he recieved no good answer, simply that "they enjoy blowing up my phone at 2 fucking am". At some point he jokingly wondered into the chat if they were dating to which he got 57 messages from both of them saying about how 1. That would be gross because they see each other as brothers, and 2. It would be entirely impossible because they work at the same place, which prohibits dating coworkers.

'katsucky' seemed rather shy sometimes, and others quite bold. His chat name was Kat, or he was sometimes called kit-kat by 'demon-cat'. It was through him that Victor learned that both he and 'hamsteroverlord' were attending college in the states, but they were both from Asia, though he gave no further insight as to where in Asia. He got really snarky with mom and 'demon-cat', but seemed super polite to Victor, which was explained by 'demon-cat' as "he's got super anxiety and worries about offending people he doesn't know well. if you hang out long enough, he'll start being an ass to you too".

Now, 'demon-cat' was quite the character. He was the youngest of the group, a fact Victor learned on his first day in the chat, courtesy of 'mom', and was usually called 'dc' but sometimes 'darn-cat' or 'darn-kitten' by Kat. He was obviously Russian, since he understood Victor's username as a Russian nickname, and since Kat said "another Russian" (I mean, that's not how he said it, but close enough).

Victor had found himself getting excited at the thought of opening the chatroom after practice, and occasionally in the morning before or during his lunch break. It wasn't always super lively since, as stated earlier, everyone in the chat had their own lives. But more often then not, the three more active members of the chat were on between 10pm-12am in Victor's time. 

It was about that time today when Victor finally picked up his phone, fresh out of the shower and sitting down on the couch to relax for a bit. The dumb device had been blowing up for the past hour or more, but Victor had told himself he could wait. Naturally, his brain ran amuck with questions over what was happening, what they were talking about, and his shower ran shorter than it usually did. 

He unlocked the device and opened the newly installed app.

_**katsucky:** I cannot believe this_  
_**katsucky:** this is blasphemy_  
_**demon-cat:** you've gotta accept the facts, sweetheart_  
_**katsucky:** what facts?? you've only provided speculations_  
_**katsucky:** and your own opinions_  
_**demon-cat:** fine._  
_**demon-cat:** you want facts?_  
_**demon-cat:** you asked for it kit-kat._  
_**hamsteroverlord:** jfc cn we not just agree that hamsters rule over all??_  
_**katsucky:** mom hush, i must see what the kitten comes up with_  
_**demon-cat:** 1\. cats don't take up nearly as much space as dogs_  
_**Everyone please welcome ; vitenka** _  
_**demon-cat:** 2\. they aren't noisey af_  
_**demon-cat:** 3\. they are cheaper to get and own_  
_**demon-cat:** 3a. cats and kittens often cost less than dogs_  
_**demon-cat:** 3b. cat toys are usually a lot cheaper_  
_**demon-cat:** 3c. their food is cheaper and they eat less anyway_  
_**demon-cat:** 4\. cats are totally fine living their lives indoors and do not require walks etc_  
_**demon-cat:** 5\. i pity the fool who would rather have a dog than a purring cat_  
_**demon-cat:** cats purrs have been proven theraputic and they are just so fucking nice, okay_  
_**demon-cat:** 6\. cats catch mice and rats for you, effectively protecting your house_  
_**demon-cat:** finally: cats clean themselves and dogs are messy af_  
_**demon-cat:** conclusion; cats are awesome and dogs legit lick their own balls_  
_**vitenka:** okay first off cats do that too so don't even go there_  
_**katsucky:** dogs form strongeer bonds with people_  
_**vitenka:** dogs relieve stress_  
_**katsucky:** dogs are extremely loyal and will protect your family_  
_**katsucky:** they come in all shapes and sizes, from smaller than a cat to as big as a person_  
_**vitenka:** they are great work out companions_  
_**katsucky:** ^^^ my dog is the only person who seems to be able to keep up when I go on runs_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** alright guys but have you considered H A M S T E R S ?_  
_**katsucky:** with proper training,m and even without sometimes, dogs can sniff out disease_  
_**vitenka:** ^^ there have been many cases across the world in which dogs have sniffed out cancer among other things_  
_**katsucky:** case and point, thanks vitenka_  
_**katsucky:** dogs are a lot easier to train than cats_  
_**vitenka:** dogs are a lot easier to travel with_  
_**vitenka:** less likely to freak out in the car_

...Wait.

Victor blinked at his phone.

How in the hell did he end up in this conversation?

This was a thought process that had happened a few times over the days he had been speaking in the chat room. They had the habit of starting really weird conversations and arguments, and more often that not, everyone was dragged into them. As mom had said when he originally joined, there was no escape. Even when Victor told himself to focus on his skating, he would still be brought back to thinking of the chatroom and the strange things he had read.

_**hamsteroverlord:** hamsters_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** are_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** better_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** than_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** any_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** other_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** animal_  
_**katsucky:** MOM CHILL THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOUR HAMSTERS_  
_**vitenka:** let's just all agree with mom and move on, kay??_  
_**demon-cat:** HELL NO_  
_**demon-cat:** I GOTTA PROVE TO THESE IDIOTS THAT CATS ARE BETTER_  
_**vitenka:** you will never deter me!!_  
_**vitenka:** I have a precious doggo that I would not trade for the world!_  
_**katsucky:** me too!!_  
_**vitenka:** omg kat_  
_**vitenka:** you have a dog???_  
_**demon-cat:** ya, i think we gathered that much_  
_**katsucky:** I do!_  
_**vitenka:** aaaa!!! what type of dog?? what's their name???_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** much the bonding :')_  
_**katsucky:** his name is Vicchan ^^ he's a mini poodle_  
_**vitenka:** omg a tiny poodle??? sounds like the cutest thing on earth??_  
_**vitenka:** aside from a full size poodle, naturally!_  
_**katsucky:** what about your dog?? what are they like??_

Well fuck.

"Well fuck." Victor glanced over to Makkachin, who lifted his own head to gaze at his owner from his spot laying down on the ground beside the tv. It's not like he could really tell the truth. His love for his poodle is published all over skating magazines and social media, not to mention in countless interviews.

Makkachin would be a household name for most figure skating fans, if Victor was being honest. Creepily honest.

So, obviously, using Makkachin's actual name was out of the question. He kind of gave himself away already with the fact that he loved poodles so much, so there would be no denying that. What was a nickname that he called Makka? It would have to work.

_**vitenka:** he's a big poodle! his name is Zolotse ;3_  
_**demon-cat:** *snort*_  
_**demon-cat:** you named your dog "gold"??_  
_**katsucky:** ohmigosh that's so cute!!_  
_**vitenka:** indeed i did, dc! xp_  
_**vitenka:** he is sweet and beautiful and playful and cuddley and perfect_  
_**vitenka:** my gold medal baby  <3_  
_**vitenka:** it's not like i'll get any other type of gold :')_  
_**katsucky:** awww! that's so sweet and so sad!_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** it's called being bittersweet, kat_  
_**katsucky:** hush mom I'm having a moment_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** could yu hear my snort? i'm sure you could_  
_**katsucky:** i would SO hit you with a pillow rn if you were here_  
_**katsucky:** ANYWAY_  
_**katsucky:** you'll get your gold one day, vitenka!_  
_**katsucky:** whether you win a medal of some type _  
_**katsucky:** or in the shape of a ring_  
_**katsucky:** it's in your future  <3_

It was perfectly rational for Victor to blush over that, right? And the smile on his face, which was one brighter than he had had in years, that's normal too. 

...

Right?

_**hamsteroverlord:** KAT THAT WAS SO PRECIOUS_  
_**demon-cat:** oh my gOD i think i'm gonna barf_  
_**vitenka:** asdfghj kat _  
_**vitenka:** you are amazing_  
_**vitenka:** you are glorious_  
_**vitenka:** 10000/10 just improved my mood_  
_**katsucky:** np love!_  
_**katsucky:** I 100% believe in everything I said_  
_**kasucky:** just gotta look forward to that day, right? <3_  
_**vitenka:** right  <3_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** YOU TWO ARE SO SWEET AND ADORABLE W O W_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** GUYS_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** YOU HAVE TO GET MARRIED NOW_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** IT'S OFFICIAL_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** KAT YOU JUST PROMISED HIM A GOLD RING_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** I BETTER BE YOUR BEST MAN_  
_**katsucky:** M O M OMG WHY DO YOU HAVE NO CHILL_  
_**demon-cat:** BITCH I WILL FIGHT YOU FOR BEST MAN_  
_**vitenka:** hey hey no fighting at our wedding!_  
_**vitenka:** why does no one wanna be my best man?? :'(_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** SORRY KAT_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** IT'S HAPPENING_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** AND DC_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** HE WASMY FRIEND FIRST_  
_**demon-cat:** FUCK YOU_  
_**demon-cat:** FINE_  
_**demon-cat:** I'LL BE VITENKA'S BEST MAN_  
_**demon-cat:** US RUSSIANS GOTTA STICK TOGETHER_  
_**katsucky:** okay I literally never agreed to this????_  
_**vitenka:** D:_  
_**vitenka:** so you won't marry me??_  
_**katsucky:** you never technically asked :p_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** B O Y_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** Y U GOTTA B SO LITERAL_  
_**vitenka:** Katsucky of this Chat Room_  
_**vitenka:** will you please be my groom?_

Oh.

Victor stared at his phone, and at what he just typed.

Did he... literally just propose to someone on the internet? Someone who he knew was his fan, and yet didn't know it was him? Someone he didn't even know the name of?

His eyes scanned what he had wrote two times over, and then once again. Yup. That was a proposal. He prayed to any and every possible deity out there that this could be played as a joke because Victor wasn't sure if he had ever blushed this much.

_**katsucky:** ... _

Oh god.

How was he gonna react?

Oh god.

Oh god ohgod ohgodohgodohgodohgod-

_**katsucky:** but I don't even have a suit good enough for a wedding :(_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** oh shit, you're right_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** your singlular suit is cRAP_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** no offense_  
_**katsucky:** wow, mom_  
_**katsucky:** that stings a bit_

Were they taking this whole thing as a joke? It sure seemed like it. If it was a joke, then Victor could play along. He allowed his fingers to begin to type again.

_**vitenka:** if you don't have a suit I'd gladly get you one!_  
_**katsucky:** oh nonononono!_  
_**katsucky:** you wouldn't have to!_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** yes he would_  
_**demon-cat:** yes he would_  
_**demon-cat:** I have seen pictures of your suit too_  
_**vitenka:** even if I didn't have to, I would love to!_  
_**vitenka:** you've gotta treat yourself every once in a while, right?_  
_**katsucky:** hgnnnnnnnnnnnnnn_  
_**katsucky:** fine. you may buy me a suit for our hypothetical wedding_

Victor chuckled at his screen. Kat was truly adorable, and quite humble. And knowing this was a joke, a game, made it a lot more simple for him to play on. Hypothetical, Kat had said.

A quiet part of Victor's mind whispered to him, treachorous thoughts. Thoughts about what if this was real. Wouldn't he rather it be real? Another small part said yes, but Victor tried to ignore those parts.

God, he thought, I really am lonely, huh? Letting myself get excited over a silly little joke.

With a sigh, Victor typed out a goodbye. He felt tired and his mind wouldn't stop spinning, and asking questions he didn't want to know his own answers to.

_**What if it was real?**_ It's not, though.  
_**Wouldn't you rather it be real?**_ Yes. Yes he would.  
_**Would you run, then, too?**_ Run from what?  
_**From the thoughts. You are running from it now.**_ Am I?  
_**Yes. Hiding from the thought of being with another.**_ But I... I don't want to.  
_**Then why are you? Because you are pathetic.**_ I...  
_**You know you don't deserve others. You have so many medals, but they're all you'll ever be worth. All you're good for. Skating, nothing else. You can skate perfectly, you can win every gold, but you'll never amount to anything else.**_ <

_**Pathetic.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT 10/23: Heyyy ;; so I'm just gonna get to the point; This fic (among others) might be on a semi-hiatus. As I am right now, I barely get any sleep. It's something that's being worked on. I'm not gonna go into detail right here but I made [a post](https://undadasea.tumblr.com/post/166714606562/important-psa-guys) on my tumblr explaining it better. I'm so sorry. I'll be trying my best to keep updating but.. yea... thanks -Ac


	4. Every day, every hour, turn the pain into power

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of insight and a new perspective! Featuring katsucky's great advice and a little knowledge as to why Yuri said what he did in chapter 1.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ehehe, here I am, still tired af and still writing :')
> 
> A few days late, but this chapter was kicking my ass >.> I only made goal by 83 words xDD But here we are! Newest chapter is going up!
> 
> I hope y'all enjoy some Yuri pov. I actually had fun writing him, because I can put a bit of myself into him! It's less like trying to see an outsiders perspective for me, and was the only easy thing with this chapter. 
> 
> Feedback is appreciated! I live for comments!!  
> And you are always free to send me asks and messages on [tumblr](https://undadasea.tumblr.com) where I post occasional snippets from this fic as well as random drabbles! ^^
> 
> Today's chapter title comes from "Superheroes" by The Script!
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this (late af) chapter!

When you have to skate day in and day out surrounded by prying eyes, you get pretty used to the gazes. They vary, naturally. From your coach's scrutinizing stare, watching and correcting, to your rinkmate's checking out the up and coming competition. Yuri had become accustomed to it a long time ago. However, when the looks you get come from Victor Nikiforov, who could be an ass and stand off-ish, but was arguably the best men's senior skater to exist yet, now that was something Yuri wasn't quite used to.

It wasn't that Victor had never watched Yuri skate before. He would sometimes assist Yakov in coaching the junior skaters, so of course he had seen Yuri skate. But the looks he was getting from him now were different. They weren't watching him skate, either as potential competition or even a potential student. Victor was just watching him. Him. Not his performance, not his skating. 

It was honestly a bit creepy.

And it got worse. Because it seemed like whenever Victor wasn't watching him, he was standing still on the ice, staring out the window with a frown on his face. Logically, Yuri knew that that couldn't be entirely true, because he hadn't heard Yakov yelling at Victor about it, but still. Every other time he looked at the older skater, he was staring outside. The other few times he looked, Victor was watching him unabashedly.

It was like an endless cycle, and the day wouldn't come to a close soon enough.

During their lunch break, Yuri finally approached Victor. He was fully intent on bringing up Victor's odd behavior. Instead, what came out was-

"Hey Victor, what did you think of my step sequences?"

-totally not what he meant to ask.

The other just placed his fork down on the tray of pre-made food gently, and turned to look up Yuri. His voice was quiet and cold and when he spoke he only said one word. "Sloppy."

Yuri stared back, blank stare facing shocked glare.

"Ha?"

His face remained devoid of emotion as he repeated, "Sloppy. You're too slow in parts, and too fast in others. You're moving entirely out of sync with the music." Victor pushed his tray to the middle of the table and stood. "I've lost my appetite," he mumbled as he moved past a dumb-struck Yuri and back towards the rink.

~*~*~

The rest of practice had been even more strange. Instead of constantly watching Yuri, Victor completely ignored him. There were even more times where he was just staring out the window, and still Yakov had said nothing. Even when Yuri approached their coach, he only shrugged and said "if Vitenka wishes to waste his time, so be it." 

Yuri sighed and dropped onto his stomach on his bed, fed and freshly showered later that night. He just glared at nothing for a bit before pulling his phone out and opening a familiar app. 

_**Everyone please welcome ; demon-cat** _  
_**demon-cat:** anyone online?_

There was no response for a few minutes, time Yuri spent brushing his teeth. He turned when he heard his phone go off, lighting up with a notification from the group chat. He spit in the sink and moved to grab his phone, opening it once more and reading the new message.

_**Everyone please welcome ; demon-cat** _  
_**demon-cat:** anyone online?_  
_**Everyone please welcome ; katsucky** _  
_**katsucky:** hey kitty-kitty!_  
_**demon-cat:** what's up kit-kat?_  
_**katsucky:** just got out of class :p_  
_**demon-cat:** ew xp_  
_**katsucky:** only sometimes ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯_  
_**demon-cat:** i hate my classes..._  
_**demon-cat:** the teachers are so b o r i n g_  
_**demon-cat:** and they never explain it in a way that makes sense :p_  
_**katsucky:** yea but that's kinda just teachers_  
_**katsucky:** have you considered getting a tutor??_  
_**demon-cat:** i don't want people to think i'm dumb_  
_**katsucky:** do you think i'm dumb?_

Yuri stared at the screen. Kat had a tutor? But... He was in college. From what Yuri could gather, he was doing great! Why would he need a tutor?

_**demon-cat:** no???_  
_**demon-cat:** of course not!!!_  
_**katsucky:** well, i have a tutor_  
_**demon-cat:** but why would you need one??_  
_**demon-cat:** you said you got a great grade on your last test!_  
_**katsucky:** dc._  
_**katsucky:** honey._  
_**katsucky:** that's BECAUSE of the tutor_  
_**katsucky:** i've always struggled a bit in school_  
_**katsucky:** at some point my sister recommended a tutor_  
_**katsucky:** i found one who could explain stuff well to me and i've been doing better_  
_**demon-cat:** ...... _  
_**katsucky:** ???_  
_**demon-cat:** i had never thought about it like that_

To be fair, Yuri hadn't really thought about it at all. School had always been second priority to him. He was much better at skating, he had a future in skating. But...

What if he got injured? It was something that could happen at any point. Yuri shivered at the thought. What would happen to his family if he got injured and couldn't skate any more? His sponsors were the majority of their income, and he had yet to make a big enough name for himself that people would want him as a coach or choreographer. Not like Victor. 

Victor is huge. He has been winning for years. He has been skating longer than Yuri has been alive. People are already throwing themselves at his feet for the chance to skate something he made for them, and he still refuses to talk about ever retiring.

And though he would never admit it, of course, Yuri was really excited to know that next year he _would_ be skating something Victor would make for him. Maybe he already had the thoughts.

However... if he got injured between now and then, what would happen? Since so much of his focus has been on competition, he wasn't doing good in school. He wasn't failing, exactly, but definitely not doing good enough to get into college. Maybe...

_**demon-cat:** do you think a tutor could help me?_

The reply was almost instant.

_**katsucky:** only if you are willing to let them_

Was he?

_**demon-cat:** i want to be able to let them_  
_**demon-cat:** but how do i let them?_  
_**katsucky:** you just... accept it_  
_**katsucky:** really it depends on who you get, and how they act_  
_**katsucky:** it took m several tries with different tutors before i found one that worked_  
_**demon-cat:** what types are there?_  
_**katsucky:** well, my current tutor is understanding yet firm_  
_**katsucky:** she knows that i have anxiety, so she knows why i act the ways i do sometimes_  
_**katsucky:** she also knows that she has to push me or i won't do it_  
_**katsucky:** there are also more gentle tutors_  
_**katsucky:** i had one named mr kuroba in high school, and he was very gentle, used lots of encouragement and understood when i got frustrated bc i didn't understand_  
_**katsucky:** every one has different methods, so i can't name them all_  
_**demon-cat:** that's fine_  
_**demon-cat:** thank you_  
_**katsucky:** i could even tutor you a bit, if you wanted_  
_**katsucky:** depending on the subject of course xDD_  
_**demon-cat:** yea xDD_  
_**demon-cat:** i think i'll look around first tho_  
_**katsucky:** understandable ^^ lemme know how things go, kay?_  
_**demon-cat:** will do_  
_**katsucky:** anyway, wyd??_  
_**demon-cat:** now?_  
_**demon-cat:** googling tutors and brooding_  
_**katsucky:** why are you brooding??_

Yuri bit his lip as his fingers hovered over the keyboard on his phone screen. He was truly debating telling katsucky about how Victor had been acting. Katsucky always had good advice, but he also knew that the older man was dealing with lots himself. Between his job and college and having to live fulltime with hamsteroverlord (who seemed obnoxiously happy online, and kat said he was worse irl) he still said he would fly to Russia if he had to. 

So with that thought in mind, Yuri closed his eyes and steadied himself for a moment before typing out another reply.

_**demon-cat:** there was a jerk at work earlier_  
_**katsucky:** yea??_  
_**katsucky:** what happened??_

With a deep breath, Yuri laid his feelings on the matter bare to a stranger on the internet. As best he could without letting him know that they were both internationally ranked figure skaters. 

_**demon-cat:** so he's been working here for a while right?_  
_**demon-cat:** a lot longer than i have_  
_**demon-cat:** but despite, i'm still really good at my job_  
_**demon-cat:** but i asked if i had done something right_  
_**demon-cat:** and he said i did a bad job, and didn't even offer any assistance in fixing it!_  
_**demon-cat:** in addition_  
_**demon-cat:** he was watching me a lot??_  
_**demon-cat:** not like in a creepy way, exactly_  
_**demon-cat:** like i doubt he had any bad intentions_  
_**demon-cat:** but every time i looked at him_  
_**demon-cat:** he was either staring at me or out the window_  
_**demon-cat:** and he's usually kinda gloomy but this was just weird_

There. A deep sigh. Either katsucky would help or he wouldn't. He _would_ try though.

_**katsucky:** oh boi_  
_**katsucky:** maybe he didn't know how to help??_  
_**katsucky:** like some people just aren't good at giving instructions_  
_**demon-cat:** he was.... kinda like my trainer though. he showed me all the ropes originally_  
_**katsucky:** oh.... hmm...._  
_**katsucky:** you said he was gloomier than usual right?_  
_**katsucky:** was he less talkative? or active?_  
_**demon-cat:** .... yeah, i guess...._  
_**demon-cat:** but what does that have to do with anything?_  
_**katsucky:** dc, i have the feeling that your coworker might have depression_  
_**katsucky:** like, maybe not cynical depression or anything super bad_  
_**katsucky:** but it's possible that he had a rough night and was grumpy and irritable_  
_**katsucky:** idk, of course, i'm no doctor and i certainly don't know any personal aspects about him_  
_**demon-cat:** i......_  
_**demon-cat:** i'm not sure......_  
_**demon-cat:** thanks for the help anyone kit-kat_  
_**katsucky:** no problem. as for not knowing what you were doing;_  
_**katsucky:** try finding the advice in what he said_  
_**katsucky:** like it might have been mean but i'm assuming he called you out on the problems??_  
_**katsucky:** just work on adjusting those, kay?_  
_**demon-cat:** yea, thanks_  
_**demon-cat:** it's kinda late here, so i'mma head to bed_  
_**demon-cat:** thanks sucker_  
_**katsucky:** any time Satan_  
_**demon-cat has signed off** _

With another breath, Yuri turned his phone off and plugged it in. He turned off his lights, curled up on his side, and blinked at the wall. Ugh, his head hurt.

Find the advice in the harsh words? _"You're too slow in parts, and too fast in others. You're moving entirely out of sync with the music."_ Out of sync... So he just had to find the rhythm? Sounds easy enough. 

Of course it wouldn't be though, and Yuri knew that. He had never been good when it came to presentation. There was only one thing he thought himself able to properly convey in a program, but Yakov wouldn't let him use "spite" as his theme so that's out.

Yuri blew the hair off of his eyes as he rolled to lay on his back. He would have to think about that later, he supposed. There was another thought nagging at him.

Victor might have depression.

Honestly, it fit well enough. With how he acts, and how he sometimes gets even quieter, or even harsher, like he just couldn't care less. Yuri knew he did care, though. He knew that Victor was afraid of his hair getting thinner, his bones becoming weaker. He knew that he loved watching the younger skaters perform, sometimes sneaking around behind Yakov's back and showing up discreetly to juniors competitions when the coach had told him to stay in St. Petersburg and train.

He knew that Victor was fiercely protective over his dog and his friends-

**_A question, genuine and confused._**

**_"Do you have any friends?"_**

Wait.

**_A champion frozen, shocked. Caught like a deer in the headlights._**

**_Then a smile, so fake Yuri could have laughed._**

**_"A four time world champion like me?" Sad laughter and a dismissive wave of the hand. "Of course! Goodnight, Yuri."_**

Did he really? Yuri hadn't thought much of it back then, but with Kat's advice swirling through his head, the slightly odd behavior back then now had a source.

The way he had froze in his tracks, the fake smile, the sad laugh. Victor was alone, and he didn't want Yuri to know it.

_Too late, bitch._ Yuri thought as the days exhaustion finally reached him and he shut his eyes. _I know now, and I'm gonna change that. You don't have to suffer alone, idiot._


	5. Pictures frozen in time are becoming clearer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor learns a few things about himself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy guys *^* quite a bit late this time, whoops! But late is better than never, right? I've had most of this chapter written for a while and I just finished it last night
> 
> **WARNING** : This chapter contains discussions of anxiety and depression. They aren't very detailed yet, but they do happen. I just wanted to give you fair warning, because I know that some people aren't comfortable with that. It starts at the line " _vitenka: oh yea, mom, where's kat anyway??_ " and it lasts until the end. I'll leave notes of anything important that happens then at the bottom!
> 
> I want to take a moment to thank everyone who has left a kudos/comment and who's bookmarked/subscribed(!!!) because honestly I wasn't expecting the response I have gotten and it's made me so happy ;u; Y'all are AMAZING
> 
> I live for comments, they make me write faster ;))  
> Come chat with me on [tumblr](https://undadasea.tumblr.com)! I've recently started a guessing game for the chapter titles there! So come on and join in next round!
> 
> That's all! I hope you enjoy~
> 
> 11/8: ffs stop letting me forget to do this-  
> This chapter's title is from "What's Left of Me" by Nick Lachey!

_**hamsteroverlord:** oh yea_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** vitenka_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** what's your sexuality? _

Victor stared at his phone. He and Vf had been talking about the climate of Russia vs the climate of the South™ (as Vf reffered to it) of the US, he hadn't even been aware that mom was online. 

Let alone whatever a sexuality was.

_**vitenka:** my what????_  
_**lightafire:** you don't know what a sexuality is???_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** omg vitenka_  
_**demon-cat:** i don't either??_  
_**vitenka:** what's the big deal?_

Okay, mom blowing up over little stuff was normal, he had once thrown a fit because Victor had never been to Thailand, but he'd been other places. However, Vf joining in? Complaining because he didn't know? That was weird.

_**hamsteroverlord:** wtf is with you russians_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** s i g h_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** gather 'round, children_

Oh boy.

Victor was never a fan of lectures. And midnight did not seem like a good time to get one.

However... He sighed as he held his phone, refusing to let himself put it down. Whatever this was, it must be important.

_**demon-cat:** *gathers*_  
_**lightafire:** *sits by mom's feett*_  
_**vitenka:** *sits* go on_  
_**vitenka:** educate us_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** okay, so i don't feel like spamming y'all so gimme a sec to type it all out_  
_**lightafire:** you got it dude_  
_**demon-cat:** yea yea_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** so basically it's like, your attraction. who you're attracted to, sexually, romantically, whatnot. like if you're attracted to guys, or girls, or nbs or none or both or all or whatever. there is literally such a long list of possibilities for your sexuality. straight, gay, bi, ace, pan, demi, skolio, etc etc. the most well known are straight (attraction to the opposite gender) gay (attraction to the same gender) and bi (attraction to both)_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** there, a basic explanation_  
_**demon-cat:** BASIC?????_

Victor couldn't help but agree with Dc. Basic? He felt like he just sat through a lecture! One that still left lots of questions, such as "so what am I?"

_**hamsteroverlord:** so like, ik mine and ik kat's but_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** it's not smth we've ever brought up in here so_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** go forth and answer my children_

The familiar name brought up unrelated questions in Victor. Where was Kat? He was usually on as much if not more than mom. However Victor decided that those thoughts would have to wait while he figured this out.

What was he? 

He has had multiple partners in the past, of course. Some women, some men. Did that make him.. what was it? Bi? But did he really like any of them? What we he be then? Only.. Victor knows he enjoyed some of those encounters, so not that. Did he like only some? Was that a thing? 

With a groan, Victor dropped his phone beside himself and reached a hand out to pet Makkachin, who was laying beside the couch that he was on. 

_**lightafire:** well i'm aroace_  
_**lightafire:** which means that i'm not sexually or romantically attracted to anyone_  
_**lightafire:** so platonic relationships for me B)_  
_**demon-cat:** ......_  
_**vitenka:** i don't know... there are so many questions filling my head now_  
_**lightafire:** so, go on, ask some then_  
_**lightafire:** i can try and help some_

Here goes nothing...

_**vitenka:** okay so i've had partners before_  
_**vitenka:** both men and women_  
_**vitenka:** so would that make me bi?_  
_**lightafire:** well, that depends_  
_**lightafire:** bc you can have a relationship (or hookup) with someone bc you "think it's right" or whatever_  
_**lightafire:** but that doesn't always mean you're attractred to them_  
_**vitenka:** well...._  
_**vitenka:** i... i don't think i was that attracted to the women_  
_**vitenka:** like, girls are pretty and all but_  
_**vitenka:** they don't give me a rush?? idk i'm bad at explaing ;-;_

Victor sighed and ran a hand through Makkachin's fur. 11pm was too late to be thinking so deep. 

_**lightafire:** you're fine, i get it_  
_**lightafire:** i think that'd probably make you gay_  
_**lightafire:** attracted to the same gender only_  
_**vitenka:** yea,, that sounds about right_  
_**lightafire:** see? no problemo!_  
_**lightafire:** and how about you, lil dc? you've been awfully quiet. do you know yet?_

There was no reply for a long while. Victor had moved on to watching videos, sighing when he glanced at his clock to see not even an hour had passed, when finally a notification appeared at the top of his screen.

_**demon-cat:** fuck it_  
_**demon-cat:** i d o n ' t k n o w_  
_**demon-cat:** i just spent a half hour looking at this shit but_  
_**demon-cat:** i just don't fucking know_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** hey hey_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** that's fine, dc_  
_**demon-cat:** but everyone else is so certain and i'm just a mess_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** kat - "you don't have to know yet"_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** ^^^ like kat said, you have time_  
_**vitenka:** if you don't know, you don't know, i guess_  
_**demon-cat:** ......_  
_**demon-cat:** so i...._  
_**demon-cat:** i don't have to know rn?_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** of course not! you have all the time in the world!_  
_**demon-cat:** maybe i'm just too young, idk_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** you're never too young, dear dc!_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** it'll come somedya, don't worry about it_  
_**demon-cat:** .... okay....._

Victor smiled at that. So he didn't have to know. He didn't have to confirm anything yet. No pressure. Okay.

And now, since mom is online and that whole issue seems to be settled, more or less, he has another question. 

_**vitenka:** oh yea, mom, where's kat anyway??_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** kat is having a day_  
_**vitenka:** ?_

Victor blinked at the screen. Well, um, yeah. They all were? 

_**demon-cat:** ohhh _  
_**vitenka:** ???????_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** hgnn hold on a sec vit_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** okay i asked him if he was good with me sharing and he gave me the go ahead so here we go, ya?_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** kat has anxiety. HIGH anxiety. so he has days_

Anxiety? He sighed at mom's constant vagueness. Honestly, could he not just say anything without dancing around it first? 

Anxiety happened to everyone, didn't it? Well, obviously not, not with the way mom was acting about it. He had to ask kat if he could share, why? Victor got the feeling he would have to ask kat himself about this when he came back online.

For now though...

_**vitenka:** ok but what does that mean??_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** it means that to him, he usually has these thoughts that go through his head like "am i good enough" "i fucked up" "they all hate me" and such. usually, he can supress them and remind himself what is true and what's a lie his anxiety is telling him. but sometimes he can't. we have dubbed times like this as he's having "a day" and it means that he's let these thoughts get to him and take over and he's not always... stable... _  
_**hamsteroverlord:** but i'm watching over him dw. though it's not likely he'll be on at all today, and maybe tomorrow_  
_**vitenka:** ......oh_

Oh.

OH.

That.... That was anxiety?

Victor thought back to last week, when he had had different thoughts under a similar process. The thoughts that sometimes came into mind daily had been much more prominent then, refusing to leave no matter what he did. 

Did he have anxiety?

Maybe.

But right now, he was fine. Is that how it worked? Sometimes there, sometimes gone?

He sighed again. Today was just full of new knowledge, wasn't it? 

Victor knew he'd have to think more in-depth about this. But right now, kat was feeling this. At this moment, oh-so-many miles away, his "fiancé"(something everyone had taken to calling them) was in pain.

Of course.... Victor had no idea how to help him. He wasn't good at comforting people, let alone from so far away.

So, a deep breath. What had he wanted, when he had these thoughts raging wars in his head? A hug. That was the clearest thing. 

_**vitenka:** uhh, give him a hug for me?_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** of course!_  
_**demon-cat:** me too!_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** he may have teared up a bit_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** i'll be sure to shower him in enough affection for three B)_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** and now, i have some kat cuddling to do (completely platonic, dw vit ;))_  
_**hamsteroverlord has signed off** _

Okay. This was okay. Kat had mom to take care of him. And now, it was just him and dc in the chat. Had that ever happened before? Not really. Despite the fact that they lived in not only the same time zone, but the same country, whenever they were on, there were always others.

Victor wasn't sure how to act towards the 14 year old, if he was being honest. He was 26, he hadn't been nearly that young in a long time. Sure, he had some younger fans who he spoke to briefly, and there was always Yuri, but he was a special brand of person entirely. 

What did one speak to 14 year olds about?

Then he realized, he was probably over thinking this. Dc was constantly in the chat, they have interacted before, and he had seen whatever conversations Victor had, plus some.

But what would they talk about? After such a heavy conversation, Victor wasn't sure how well skating would go over. He hated that it was always his default option. He came here to make friends other than skating.

Nothing light, of course. Maybe... Maybe dc could help him... His eyes glanced over the recently paused conversation, and his thoughts turned back to his own problem.

What would dc say?

Fuck it. Victor shook his head violently. He was so sick and tired of worrying about his audience and their impression. On this chat, he was just known as Vitenka, Vit, or Vic(mainly by dc). He wasn't Victor Nikiforov here. He didn't need to think about how dc would react, especially with how he seemed to understand kat's problem so easily.

That may also be due to experience, but it was worth a shot! Right?

_**vitenka:** .....dc?_  
_**demon-cat:** yea?_  
_**vitenka:** i think i might have anxiety_  
_**demon-cat:** ....why?_  
_**demon-cat:** are you like kat?_  
_**vitenka:** well, sorta_  
_**demon-cat:** what type of sorta?_  
_**vitenka:** some of the stuff that mom said is sorta how i feel some times_  
_**demon-cat:** oh._  
_**demon-cat:** kat was talking to me about smth the other day, so i wanna know_  
_**demon-cat:** if it gets too personal and you don't wanna share just say so k?_  
_**vitenka:** ok.._  
_**demon-cat:** and i am 14, i am by no means a professional_  
_**demon-cat:** so if you feel strongly about any of this then you def need to ttalk to a professional k?_  
_**vitenka:** k._

Just... Wow.

Dc was very.... professional? No, even he said that he wasn't professional. Then... what? Caring may be the right word. he obviously wanted to help.

_**demon-cat:** ok so you said it was sorta how you felt_  
_**demon-cat:** what was different?_  
_**vitenka:** well... i guess i sort of have "a day" too sometimes but the thoughts are different_  
_**vitenka:** they're more of "what am i doing anymore?" "i'm never going to succeed anyway" "just stop trying" "pathetic"_  
_**vitenka:** than anything mom said_  
_**vitenka:** but everythinng else is kinda the same_  
_**demon-cat:** i.... i don't think that's anxiety, vic_  
_**demon-cat:** that may be... depression._

D-depression? Victor stared at the phone in shock. Depression. Dc thought he had depression. The thought was almost laughable, if it didn't make his heart hurt in ways he didn't know possible. 

_**vitenka:** depression, huh?_  
_**demon-cat:** yea,, _  
_**demon-cat:** have you had any "days" recent;y?_  
_**vitenka:** yeah, just the other week_  
_**vitenka:** ..why?_  
_**demon-cat:** nothing major_  
_**demon-cat:** i just... wanted to know if you had anything recently enough that you could describe it well to a professional_  
_**vitenka:** .... i'm not sure how i feel about seeing a professional, honestly_  
_**demon-cat:** vic,, it'll help_  
_**vitenka:** the thought just.. it makes me feel like i'd be weak. like if i was stronger, then i wouldn't have to_

That, and he's not sure what would happen if the public got a hold on the information that the big bad Living Legend Victor Nikiforov, international play boy, heart throb, and star of figure skating had to see a fucking _therapist_ over something as stupid as a little depression.

_**demon-cat:** vic, that's just like what mom was talking aboiut_  
_**demon-cat:** how kat gets convinced that his bad thoughts are the real ones?_  
_**demon-cat:** you aren't weak_  
_**demon-cat:** sometimes youneed help, and letting yourself admit that can be stronger than trying to do stuff on your own_  
_**demon-cat:** that's a lesson i learned, recently_

That.. made sense, unfortunately. So Victor took a deep breath. He had been doing that a lot recently.

What else might be able to dislodge dc from his idea?

Ah yes. His fellow skaters. The same people who see him as inspiration and someone to beat.

_**vitenka:** ... but idk what my colleagues would say about it...._  
_**demon-cat:** they'd be glad you're tryng to help yourself_  
_**demon-cat:** i can almost guarantee it_  
_**vitenka:** *sigh*_

He wasn't going to give up, was he? God, why were teens so stubborn? First Yuri, and now dc. Victor wondered if he had been similar at such an age.

_**vitenka:** alright_  
_**vitenka:** for you, i'll try it, okay?_  
_**vitenka:** thanks dc_  
_**demon-cat:** np vic_  
_**demon-cat:** just remember that your colleagues are gonna be so proud of you when they learn_  
_**vitenka:** thanks dc... i've gtg, bye_  
_**vitenka has signed off** _

Victor turned off his phone screen and stretched across the couch. It had become something of a routine to sit on the couch after his shower to talk in the group chat, since the first time he had gone to lie in his bed he had immediately fallen asleep. But as he felt the uncomfortable pull of muscles in his arms that only came from awkward positioning, he seriously thought of reconsidering ruling out his bed. 

Ah, his bed. That sounded great.

His phone was left in the living room, where he knew would have to move in order to stop the alarm in the morning.

There it sat, with a message that would be flooded out by the next time Victor checked it.

_**demon-cat:** i know i will be_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Important notes for the second half of the chapter:** Victor learns about kat's anxiety, dc helps him find out that he might have depression, and tells him he should see someone who could help. Dc says that Victor's "colleagues" will be proud of him and Victor misses a message saying "I know I will"
> 
> Also, please DO NOT follow Victor's example or thought process regarding his depression. It is bad. He is not very good at understanding himself yet. This will improve in time.


	6. as we lie beneath the stars, we realize how small we are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The other side of the sexuality discussion and Yuuri's bad day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy a few notes this time ^^;
> 
> 1\. SORRY FOR BEING SO LATE. Gah! I hate that I am, so much, but it can't be entirely helped. I have quite a few reasons as to why, mainly being that I have family visiting, including a 1yo and a 2yo who are energetic as hell, so I've been tired at night, which is when I usually write. I'm not going to write them all here, but I made [a post](https://undadasea.tumblr.com/post/167637647592/okay-so-psa-i-am-alive-ive-been-so-effing-busy) on my tumblr that has all of the reasons listed, so go on and check that out. if you're curious
> 
> 2\. And, as much as I hate it, I will likely continue to be a bit late until the new year. I might not be some weeks, but there is a lot happening in a short period of time, especially in December. Just a heads up, I'll try and keep a regular schedule but...
> 
> 3\. I'm going to say this bc these people need a special shout out; THANK YOU SO FREAKING MUCH to everyone who has commented about how they like my characterization of Yurio!! You guys have no idea how much that means to me. Especially since my sister and I are hosting a panel in which I'll be cosplaying him and answering IC questions, so that was a boost of confidence I didn't know I needed but am so grateful for. <3
> 
> 4\. Just thank you to everyone who has commented at all, too! You guys are the reason I'm still writing, and you have helped me on days where the emotions were too much.
> 
> 5\. This is not only the longest fic I have EVER WRITTEN, but this chapter in particular is the longest chapter of the fic, at almost 2,500 words!!! Yay!!! It's also the fic that has the most hits/comments/bookmarks and I'm so happy about that since it's definitely one of my favorite that I've written.
> 
> 6\. Finally some notes ABOUT the chapter: Say hello to my dear Phichit's POV! It was really interesting writing his thoughts tbh, so I hope you enjoy it too!
> 
> 7\. **WARNING:** There is a small panic attack at the beginning of the chapter. It is from an outside perspective and isn't explicit, but still, be aware.
> 
> 8\. And the final note! Today's chapter title is from ~ If Everyone Cared by Nickelback!!
> 
> Now, please enjoy the chapter, drop a comment if you did, and come talk to me on [tumblr](https://undadasea.tumblr.com) where I post chapter title games and random thoughts while I write!

There are very few things that terrify Phichit. He can easily watch scary movies at night. He once tried to summon a demon (and he would have, if Yuuri hadn't interrupted and then banned him from summoning demons in the apartment). He can stand at the very edge of a cliff with a calm smile on his face. But waking up at 3am to hear his best friend screaming in terror across the room? That was terrifing. And that was how Phichit's day started.

He jumped out of his bed and ran stumbled across their messy floor. The fleeting thought over how they should really pick that up since it's a fire hazard ended when he reached Yuuri's side. What had happened was clear once he turned on Yuuri's bedside lamp to see the older skater still screaming, sat up in his bed, knees drawn up to his heaving chest and hands covering his face where tears slipped through his fingers.

Phichit immediately got to work, singing a quiet song and rubbing circles in Yuuri's back. Eventually, Yuuri's screams died down into quiet sobs, and he moved his hands down form his eyes, instead wrapping them around Phichit's torso in a tight hug as he pressed his face into his shoulder. Phichit's breathing was a little fast too, his heart beating as erratically as he knew Yuuri's was. He was a little afraid that the lack of his usual calm was affecting the speed in which Yuuri calmed down, but it's not really like he could help it.

Once Yuuri finally calmed enough, he pulled back and withdrew into himself as he leaned against his headboard.

"Sorry, Phi..." He murmured, resting his chin on his knees. 

Phichit just smiled a little shakily. "You're forgiven, Yuu. I know you didn't mean to scare me." When Yuuri returned his own weak smile, Phichit continued. "What was that about, Yuu? Nightmare?" 

"Yeah..." Yuuri whispered. "Just.. I know now that everything was just... not possible. But when I saw it, it just seemed too real."

"I know," Phichit whispered back, moving to sit against the headboard too. "It's not your fault, though. We already know that your brain is kinda fucked up." He smiled and nudged Yuuri gently with his shoulder, to which he got a quiet laugh. "Come on, let's sleep." He stood and stretched, making to go back to his own bed when a hand grabbed his sleeve.

Phichit turned to see Yuuri looking down but holding onto his sleeve, and he smiled again. "Yes, Yuu?"

"Stay?"

"Always."

He went back to his bed only long enough to grab his own blanket (Yuuri was a notorious blanket thief) before laid down on Yuuri's bed. Yuuri himself was still sitting against the head board, but he had straightened out his legs, which he patted in invitation for Phichit to lay his head on them. No matter how self-conscious Yuuri was, even he admitted that he had good thighs, and they made amazing pillows, so of course Phichit couldn't refuse.

They sat in silence for a while, but neither slept. Yuuri ran his fingers through Phichit's hair, and Phichit just thought.

This specifically wasn't a usual occurrence, but whenever Yuuri would have an attack like that, they'd end up in similar positions. Once Phichit calmed Yuuri, Yuuri knew that he had to calm Phichit too. Phichit didn't think he'd ever get used to the impromptu attacks or how much they always terrified him, or how he would always feel guilty when he needed help after them too, thinking of how Yuuri shouldn't have to do this every time when he had his own problems.

He'd never mentioned this to Yuuri in fear of making it worse, making Yuuri afraid to even panic in front of him, so it was probably due to lack of sleep that he brought it up now.

"I'm sorry."

Yuuri's hand stilled. "Why would you be sorry, Phi?"

Phichit sighed. "Because you're the one with these attacks and with anxiety and I'm fine but I still need you to comfort me after them, when it should be the other way around."

The most surprising thing was that Yuuri _laughed_. 

"Phichit," Yuuri snickered, his hand moving again. "You're forgiven. If anyone should be sorry, it's me." When Phichit made to protest, Yuuri cut him off. "No, it's true. I know it scares you when that happens, and I hate that. But I also know you'd be more upset if I tried to hide it, and I don't think I even could if I wanted to. The least I can do is make sure you're okay after you help me, okay?"

Phichit wasn't sure he could trust his words, so he just nodded, a few tears coming to his eyes. He knew it was probably too easy for him to accept that, but he knew Yuuri wouldn't lie about it. If Yuuri said he was okay with consoling Phichit, then Phichit would let him. Especially if it helps make Yuuri feel better about everything.

Phichit let his eyes drift close and, with the feeling of Yuuri's hand running through his hair and a new found calm, he fell asleep. In the back of his mind he hoped Yuuri did too.

~*~*~

When his eyes open again, Phichit is laying in a vacant bed, which is only unusual because Yuuri's alarm clock read 7am and more often then not Phichit has to drag Yuuri out of bed closer to 7:30. So an empty bed, cold with lack of presence, was strange indeed. 

Phichit swung his legs over the edge and grabbed his phone out of pure habit. It didn't matter what other's said, Phichit had reasons to care for his phone aside from simple addiction. Such as a certain group chat filled with close friends. 

The hardwood floor was cold beneath his bare feet as he trailed from their bedroom to the kitchen to grab a banana to snack on before turning and headed to the living room, where he finally found what he was looking for.

Sitting on the couch was none other than Yuuri, legs drawn up and tucked under him and hands gripping his arms a little too tight. He was facing the television, but Phichit knows how much Yuuri hates Teennick, so it was more than obvious he wasn't actually watching it. 

"Hey," Phichit greeted as he moved further into the room. He smiled wen Yuuri turned to look at him, and it brightened as he saw his friends lips quirk up a bit too. It wasn't much, but it was something.

He lounged on the couch for a bit, eating his banana and waiting to see if Yuuri would speak. He didn't. 

"It's going to be a day, isn't it?" Phichit asked, glancing at Yuuri from across the couch. Yuuri gave him a pained smile and nodded. "I'll call Ciao Ciao, let him know we're not coming."

"Thanks.." Yuuri managed to squeak out. 

Phichit stood and moved into the kitchen again before hitting call on Celestino's number. 

"Ciao ciao, Phichit! Where are you two?"

"Hey, Ciao Ciao. Um," He paused to glance back to the living room. "Yuuri's not feeling all that well, so we won't be able to make it to practice today. But we'll be there bright and early tomorrow! ....Probably."

He heard Celestino hum in thought on the other end of the line, and waited with bated breath. "If Yuuri's the one who is sick, then why can you not make it today?" 

"It's-" Yuuri walked in. Phichit gave him his best 'I'm sorry' look. "It's not that kind of not feeling well, Ciao CIao. It's the other one. He needs some best friend time."  
Phichit watched as his friend worked on making a bowl of cereal and heard as Ciao Ciao sighed into the phone. 

"Fine-" Phichit let out a whoop. "BUT we're going to have extra practice tomorrow. Yuuri has his first qualifier for the Grand Prix coming up at the end of next month, so he needs to practice as much as he can without injuring himself. And you have one the month after that. Don't think you can slack off any either."

"Yes coach!" Phichit cheered. "We'll both be there tomorrow, right Yuuri?" Yuuri just stared at him for a minute before turning back to his cereal with a shrug. "We'll try, anyway. Thanks, Ciao Ciao! See you tomorrow."

They both migrated to the couch once more, Phichit laying his head on Yuuri's lap this time, playing on his phone, Yuuri's hand absent-mindedly playing with his hair as it had early that morning.

Phichit's thoughts began to wonder though, as he stared at his Tumblr dash and saw a lgbt+ pride post. From there they moved over to Yuuri and how they had went to the pride parade that year. He flipped over to his photos to look at his favorite picture that he had taken while they were there. Yuuri smiling bright with the bi flag painted on his cheeks, himself in his pansexual flag shirt, carrying Yuuri's demisexual flag. He smiled fondly at the memory of someone asking him about his experience's as a demisexual only to have him point to Yuuri and explain how he had gotten tired of holding the flag and made Phichit do it for him.

And his thoughts moved again. This time to Yuuri's supposed "fiancé" in their group chat. Phichit was pretty sure vitenka was a guy, at the very least they didn't complain when people referred to them as him, so Phichit could only guess. But... what was he? Honestly, Phichit knew it shouldn't matter all that much, but it did. At least, it would to Yuuri and Phichit knew that much. As much as Yuuri would fight it, he would eventually develop some type of feelings towards vitenka, romantic or platonic or whatever, he would. 

If vitenka didn't reciprocate would hurt him. And Phichit would do anything to prevent that. 

Even he wasn't stupid enough to think he could control feelings, of course, but the very least he could do was see if vitenka was even a possibility. Or more accurate, if Yuuri was a possibility to vitenka.

So with a determination he hadn't felt since the previous day at practice, Phichit opened the app. He ignored the current conversation, deciding that a direct approach would be best.

_**hamsteroverlord:** oh yea_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** vitenka_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** what's your sexuality?_  
_**vitenka:** my what????_  
_**lightafire:** you don't know what a sexuality is???_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** omg vitenka_  
_**demon-cat:** i don't either??_  
_**vitenka:** what's the big deal?_

The strength in which Phichit face-palmed would put a weight lifter to shame.

"Hm?" Yuuri grunted as he looked away from the tv. 

"I am so disappointed in my children," Phichit mumbled around his hands. "The only one who knows what a sexuality is is Vf. What is wrong with Russians?"

"So tell them," Assisted Yuuri. Phichit smiled a bit at the fact he finally spoke.

"I have to now, don't I?"

Phichit began typing up his response when Yuuri replied again. "Why are you guys discussing sexualities anyway?"

He waited to see the groups responses as he replied to Yuuri. "I asked vitenka what his was."

"Why just vitenka?"

"Because you two are 'fiancés' and I know you'll say it's just a joke but I also know that you don't only see it that way, whether you like it or not, so I wanted to be sure he wouldn't hurt you."

"Phi..."

Phichit glanced up from his phone as he felt droplets on his forehead, spying Yuuri crying even as he tried to hide it behind his hand. 

"I'll always look out for you, you know that."

He nuzzled his face into Yuuri's stomache, occasionally pulling out to breathe or type a reply, but mainly he just stayed there. Yuuri's hand had moved back to his hair, petting through it. Phichit could feel as it stuck to his head slightly with the oils. He needed a shower. 

He told Dc that age didn't matter, and smiled when he saw vitenka understanding himself. And then vitenka asked a question that wasn't totally up to Phichit to reply to.

_**vitenka:** oh yea, mom, where's kat anyway??_

Uh.

"Uh."

"What?" Yuuri glanced at Phichit's phone. 

"Nothing, nothing."

With extra cautions, he replied:

_**hamsteroverlord:** kat is having a day_  
_**vitenka:** ?_  
_**demon-cat:** ohhh _  
_**vitenka:** ???????_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** hgnn hold on a sec vit_

"Um, Yuuri?"

"Yes Phi?"

Phichit bit his bottom lip. "I um, I may have told vitenka that you're having a day and now he's curious." He heard Yuuri take in a deep breath. "I can tell him nothing if you'd like."

"No," Yuuri sighed. "No, then he'd just worry more. You can, um, tell him. I guess."

"Dc is here too," Warned Phichit. 

"It's okay." Yuuri said with more confidence than before. "I was talking to Dc about depression a bit ago, he's understanding. I don't know about vitenka, but he doesn't seem like a bad guys so it's okay." He managed a weak smile.

Phichit smiled back 

_**hamsteroverlord:** okay i asked him if he was good with me sharing and he gave me the go ahead so here we go, ya?_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** kat has anxiety. HIGH anxiety. so he has days_

He continued on, he explained as well as he could, even asking Yuuri a bit. Not as much as he would if it wasn't a day, but it was so everyone else would just have to deal. 

Eventually he set his phone down on the coffee table and sat up, pulling Yuuri into a tight hug. 

"That's from vitenka." He pushed back, then pulled him in for another. "This is from Dc." One more time. "And this one is my own."

Yuuri let out a strangled laugh, the noise getting caught in his throat with his tears. When Phichit asked him if he wanted some ice cream, all he could do was nod.

"AH!" Phichit shouted after taking a particularly large bite. "Jesus fuck! You'd think after eating ice all day every day I'd be able to eat ice cream but noooo."

And Yuuri laughed. It came out clearer this time. Phichit laughed too. Yeah, it would be one day. He could handle one day. Ciao Ciao would see them bright and early for practice tomorrow morning, and soon, Yuuri would be off to his first qualifier; Skate America.


	7. She's so lucky, she's a star, but she cry, cry, cries in her lonely heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri spends the whole day asking Victor questions, and gets surprisingly honest answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahahahaha I had wanted to post this on Sunday and y e t here we are
> 
> Okay, big thing here; I have no idea when I'll be updating again. I really wish I could say next week, however I still have a lot happening irl and I ~~stupidly~~ signed up for two different Christmas writing things on Tumblr which have deadlines and therefore have priority over this fic. I will still try and work on this one, but it may be a while before the next chapter, just wanted to let you know.
> 
> Hope y'all wanted more Yurio pov because that's what you get :'))
> 
> Comments keep me alive, as does interacting on [tumblr](https://undadasea.tumblr.com) and you are welcomed to do both! 
> 
> This chapters title comes from "Lucky" by Britney Spears (which makes me think of Victor every time I hear it)
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy!~

Yuri had decided; Victor was lonely and probably depressed. 

It hadn't really been an easy thing for him to wrap his mind around. He flipped through footage of Victor through the years, from interviews to his routines, starting as far back as possible. He didn't watch everything, but he still began to notice the little differences that Victor had grown to cover. It had always bewildered Yuri the change Victor went through when he was going to a competition to how he was at the rink for practice. Most people knew him as the playboy. Suave, flirty, talkative, extroverted. The people at the St. Petersburg rink knew him as the cold living legend. Distant, critical, dedicated to a fault. The only thing the two personas had in common was this; At every point, Victor Nikiforov was untouchable. 

But with what Yuri had been learning recently, he began to wonder if Victor was so untouchable after all.

Everything that kat and mom had taught him about anxiety and depression made him notice things a bit different. What used to be Victor being cocky of his status as world champion and not speaking to those not worth his time, now seemed to be Victor distancing himself on accident. His strangely upbeat façade became his way of pretending he was fine. His cold demeanor on the ice was him trying to hide how upset he really was.

And honestly, all of this made more sense than just the "Victor is a heartless dick" theory that has been so ingrained in the rink, even before Yuri had arrived.

Now came the question of how to make him stop seeming like a heartless dick. This was a little bit harder than simply deducing what the problem was. Yuri wasn't exactly known for his abilities dealing with people. Or, maybe he was, but not in a good light.

Yuri huffed a sigh when he entered the rink an hour before practice officially began only to see Victor on the ice, going through his free program for that year. He swore under his breath. He had hoped that he'd have the ice to himself for once ever and began to seriously believe that Victor spent more time on the ice than off. 

He hid in the shadows as to not spook the man with knives on his feet, making his way to the locker rooms as silently as he could. He slid off his jacket, followed quickly by his shoes, and shivered a little bit at the cold of the ice rink. Honestly, he should be used to it.

He laced up his skates after checking to make sure everything was fine with them. His skate guards in place, Yuri made his way back rinkside to watch Victor as he skated. Yuri wasn't a particular fan of this piece, a bit too... sad? for his taste, but he couldn't deny that it was beautiful. The music that played was so soft, and though Yuri didn't ask Victor himself, he got a rough telling of what the singer was saying from Yakov. Something about a lost lover, if he remembered right.

Only, for the four or five years that Yuri had been training under Yakov, he couldn't remember Victor ever having a serious lover. A few flings that he could remember hearing Victor get scolded about, but no one like the man singing suggested a longing for. He found himself wondering if Victor had someone he liked, much like he had, weeks earlier, wondered if Victor had friends. 

That time, when Yuri had directly brought up his question, Victor had laughed him off with a lie and a fake smile. The memory made Yuri scoff in slight annoyance. He didn't want that. He was going to help Victor because damnit, he did admire him and seeing him like this, loose and lost in his own mind on the ice at an ungodly hour, was doing nothing for Yuri's own skating.

He had come to the decision a while ago that he would do what he could to stop Victor from being so lonely. Well, here goes nothing.

Yuri waited there, watching as Victor went through his short program once before skating over to the exit where his water was sitting and downing half the bottle. From where he stood, Yuri could see the dark circles under Victor's eyes and the way he hunched over a little bit further than just practice.

A bad night, then?

Finally letting his presence be known, he approached the entrance to the ice and smiled a bit when he reached it and Victor looked up at him.

"Ah! Yuri, what brings you here so early?" Victor smiled softly, not quite reaching his eyes.

"Have you ever been in love?" Well, subtlety wasn't really his strong-suit. At least Victor's reaction was amusing, choking on the water he had gone to take another swig from.

"What?" He choked out once he got some control of his lungs again. "Why do you, of all people, care about that?"

Yuri just shrugged. "Answer the question."

"Um," Victor spluttered. "No?"

"Okay cool." And with that, Yuri slipped off his skate guards and slid onto the ice.

Great. That certainly made _everything_ clearer. So Victor was skating about lost love, but he had never been in love? No wonder Yuri didn't like his programs. They were lacking something. 

Passion.

Yuri let out a sigh. Nothing he could help with there. So back to the original task then; getting Victor less depressed. Not exactly an easier task, but at least on that Yuri should be able to do. 

Running through his short program, marking the jumps since it was a bit too crowded around him, Yuri let his thoughts flow free. What had that website said about helping people with depression? They need friends, to know that they are cared for. Crap. That... Wasn't really Yuri's strong suit. He tended to be a bit harsh, maybe a tad too hard-headed, that much was clear, even to himself. Growing up as fast as he did, he didn't have time to learn how to deal with gentler emotions after being thrown into the cruelty of the world. 

So he'd have to make his hard-headedness work for him. Maybe it could still work. He knew that tough love tended to work better than affection on him.

Time to be brash, then.

Once he finished his run through, he saw Victor beckoning him over. _Perfect._

"Yeah?" He panted as he skidded to a stop next to Victor, who was standing still on the ice, looking out at the other skaters. 

Yuri had prepared a question in his head. He really had. But then Victor jumped right into a long tirade about what could be adjusted on his short program and any thoughts of his plan were cut off as his mind went to the competition and what Victor was saying. 

It wasn't until much later during lunch that Yuri remembered his plan and his question. He tuned out whatever it was that Mila was saying now (something about her new hockey player boyfriend?) and glanced over to where Victor sat by himself. It was an unspoken rule in the rink that sitting with Victor was a bad idea. As new as Yuri was, he still wasn't sure where the rule came from. Sometimes people would say that Victor had once snapped at someone for sitting with him, others say that Victor is just so sharp-tongued that being exposed to him long-term could be detrimental to your health. Either way, Yuri had just assumed that he liked his peace. He certainly couldn't blame him if that was the case.

However, Yuri had a mission, unspoken rules be damned. He stood from the table and grabbed his food.

"Done already, Yuri?" Mila asked, pausing in her story.

"Nope," Yuri responded as he turned and walked towards the table where Victor sat with his back to the rest of the room, idly poking his salad with his fork. "Hi," he greeted as he dropped his plate in front of the chair next to Victor and sat down.

If he had to explain Victor's expression in two words, Yuri would say absolutely flabbergasted.

"Hi?"

The response was not acknowledged as Yuri began to shovel his food into his mouth. One needn't turn around to hear the questioning whispers from their shared rinkmates, yet Victor did anyway, looking at them all in confusion.

Once Yuri finished eating, he didn't move from his spot. He simply waited until Victor finally took an actual bite of his food before he finally asked his question; "Where do your parents live?"

It had the desired effect; Victor choked a bit on his salad, the same way he had on his water earlier. He lurched forward, one hand flying up to over his mouth in case something flew out, the other landing on his heart as if to make sure he wasn't having a heart attack. It took a moment, but Victor was able to swallow his food.

"They live here in St. Petersburg, actually."

"Yeah?" Yuri prompted.

"Yup," Victor glanced at him as he took another bite. "They don't lead particularly exciting lives. Why do you want to know? If you're such a fan, I'm sure you've read all about them."

This time it was Yuri's turn to sputter. "Ew, gross. I'm not your fan. I don't follow your career or interviews religiously, that's just weird." _Not anymore, anyway._ He doesn't add. 

Victor's lips turned up into a small smile. "No?" When Yuri shook his head, he continued. "Well then, they own a small restaurant somewhere a little closer to the outskirts of the city than here. More often than not they have to miss my competitions, especially since I turned 18 and no longer needed them to come with. However whenever I compete in Russia, they always try their best to come."

"Why a small restaurant?" Yuri finds himself asking out of pure curiosity. "Surely you could help them out and they could own something bigger?"

Victor simply shrugged as he finished the last of his salad and stood up, clearing up his dishes. "They prefer it that way. They have loyal customers there, and getting something bigger would mean they'd have to move." And with that, he walked away.

Another question popped into his head later as he was practicing ballet, as was directed by Yakov for all of his skaters to do. So, naturally, he snuck out and back to the rink where Victor was still practicing. 

He waited until Victor stopped on the ice, obviously about to start his free skate again, before yelling out "Hey, Victor!"

Victor's head lifted rapidly. He smiled a little bit when he saw Yuri wave him over and shouted something to Yakov before skating over to the barrier. 

"Yes?" He asked exasperatedly as he skidded to a stop, ice shavings flying up in the air and landing on Yuri's gloved hands.

Nervous for once, Yuri bit his lip. He's got this. He pushed through.

"I'm staying at your house tonight."

"Excuse me?" Victor's eyes widened, looking a lot like saucers.

"Yeah, you heard me. I'm staying at your house. Unless you have plans, then I suppose I'll have to wait until tomorrow."

"Uh, no. No plans. Until now, I guess," Victor laughed lightly, his brows furrowed and wrinkling his (huge) forehead just a bit until it smoothed out again. 

"Great," nodded Yuri as he pushed back from the barrier. "I'm pretty much done with training for today, so I'll go back to my house and get my stuff, and then meet you back here."

"I'm guessing if I say no, then you'll still do it, huh?"

"Yup."

Victor laughed. And it sounded nothing like it had when Yuri asked Victor if he had friends. It sounded lighter, gentler, and less like the laugh he gave to the press.

"Victor! Get back to practice!"

One last smile and Victor was back to skating. 

~*~*~

Not long after found Yuri entering Victor's apartment, dodging a hyper-active Makkachin by a hair before his owner stepped in and caught him.

"So sorry, he's very hyper."

"No shit," Yuri snorted as he moved further in and dropped his backpack on the couch. "Do you have any games?"

"Hmm," Victor hummed as he moved into the kitchen. "Depends on what type you're after. I only have a few consoles, but I have lots of board games."

"I think I'll stick to the consoles." Yuri shouted back, poking around in the tv cabinet until he found a suitable game along with a remote to the console it was on. 

From the other room Victor called, "Zolotse!" and Yuri froze for a moment in shock as Makkachin bounded happily into the kitchen. 

"Zolotse..." Yuri mummered. 

When Victor came back, he dropped down on the couch next to Yuri, who had already set up and began playing Skyrim. 

"I thought the mutt's name was Makkachin?" Yuri finally asked after a minute. 

"Huh?" Was the very intelligent response from the man 12 years his senior. 

"Your dog. You called him zolotse. I thought his name was Makkachin."

"Oh!" Victor shifted next to him, but Yuri's eyes remained on the tv. "A nickname, I guess."

Yuri simply snorted. "You nicknamed your dog 'gold'?" 

"It's a wonderful nickname, excuse you."

"It's a bit conceited, don't you think?"

"Nonsense. Makka is my truest gold."

"Alright."

The night continued on like that. They would have a bit of banter, mostly started by Yuri, at random intervals. 

"When did you learn to cook?" He asked over the dinner Victor had stopped watching him to go make.

"A long time ago."

After dinner they sat on the couch to watch a movie, and Yuri found his eyes growing heavier with the days exhaustion as the movie came to a close. But there was one more question he had to ask. 

Victor stood when the credits rolled down the screen. It was now or never. 

"Victor?"

"Hm?"

"Are you okay?"

He could see the older man pause for a moment before grabbing the blanket off the back of the couch and draping it over Yuri. For a moment, Yuri didn't think he would respond, but then Victor smiled sweetly and said, "No. Goodnight, kotya."

And Yuri could no longer keep his eyes open, and he drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohohohoho~  
> Did anyone pick up on those subtle (notreally) hints?~
> 
> In my notes for this chapter I put "literally just 'let's confuse victor' as a chapter" and I think I accomplished that.


	8. be more like me and be less like you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the plot thickens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *comes in a week late with Starbucks' hot chocolate* 'sup?
> 
> I am incredibly late with this, but I refuse to not update for more than two weeks, so here we are, 1 day from my personal deadline. My Christmas projects are kicking me in the face, but I'm mostly done with one!! I think writing this chapter was a good break so hopefully I'll be able to finish the second one soon and I can focus here once again!
> 
> I'm not gonna say all of my excuses as to why I'm late bc it'd take up room and y'all probably don't want excuses but jsyk there are lots of them-
> 
> Who asked for some fabulous Victuuri interaction??? No one, actually, but yOU GET SOME ANYWAY !!!
> 
> This chapter is like, 90% chatroom lmao but this IS a chatroom fic so u m (*looks back at chapter 7 in which there was no chatroom anything* p a y b a c k)
> 
> A quick thank you to everyone who has commented/kudos'ed/bookmarked/read this!!! You all mean the world to me!!!
> 
> I'm done being a dork on here, so you are free to read!
> 
> (check out my [tumblr](https://undadasea.tumblr.com) where I scream over my writing! I am 100% open to talking about any of my fics or any fics in general so send me stuff-)
> 
> Chapter's title is from!! ~Numb by Linkin Park

Sometimes Yuuri wondered what it was he had done to deserve this. 

Not that he wasn't grateful for everything in his life. His family, his career, his education, his friends. However it is easy to question how he ended up here when "here" was a 15 year old who he had known for what felt like forever saying that none other than Kastuki Yuuri was his favorite skater in the whole of the Senior Men's Singles Division.

How had this happened? Well, it all started because the newest member to their chat decided to use the chatroom to discuss what it was actually meant for: Figure skating. God forbid.

_**vitenka:** so guys???_  
_**vitenka:** who's your fave skater??_

It was a simple answer from Yuuri, who set his school bag by the couch that he promptly dropped onto.

_**katsucky:** easy. Victor Nikiforov_

Apparently not everyone else in the chat could see how Victor was obviously the best possible skater. 

_**hamsteroverlord:** tough one_  
_**demon-cat:** not really_  
_**demon-cat:** katsuki yuuri, have you even ever seen him?_  
_**demon-cat:** he's beauty and grace and i would thank him if he were to step on my face_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** ya, i've seen him_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** i saw him perform once too ;))_

Phichit may or may not live to see next week. Probably not. Yuuri was already forming a plan to kill him. Would it be overkill if he killed him with his own skates?

_**demon-cat:** HOLY CRAP WHERE_  
_**demon-cat:** I SWEAR TO GOD YOU BETTER TELL ME MOM_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** chill dc, chill_  
_**katsucky:** no dc, freak, pls, don't let him talk about it_

"And why the fuck not, Katsuki?" Phichit inquired elegantly as he entered the room from their bedroom. 

"You know very well why," was Yuuri's deadpan answer. 

_**demon-cat:** istg someone bettert ell me_  
_**katsucky:** mom no_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** mom yes_  
_**demon-cat:** mom yes_  
_**vitenka:** ?? mom yes ??_  
_**katsucky:** betrayed by my own fiance_  
_**katsucky:** ouch_  
_**vitenka:** I MEAN MOM NO ????_  
_**vitenka:** (i went to the bathroom omg what is even happening)_  
_**vitenka:** (what is mom doing and why do we want him to stop??)_

Yuuri snorted loudly. Honestly, vitenka was such a dork. This wasn't the first time he had gotten confused about what had happened

_**hamsteroverlord:** we saw him at skate america last year_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** kat here is salty about it bc he slammed his face into a bathroom stall door when he saw a skater_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** who was it again, kat?~_  
_**katsucky:** don't you fucking dare_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** ah yes, christophe giacometti_  
_**katsucky:** i am going to actually murder you_  
_**katsucky:** there will be charges on my official record_  
_**katsucky:** i'm going to have to finish college from jail_  
_**katsucky:** it'll be worth it tho_  
_**vitenka:** wow~ so aggressive!_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** did i hurt your pride, kat?_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** w h o o p s_  
_**katsucky:** shut up_  
_**katsucky:** ANYWAY_  
_**katsucky:** mom you still haven't answered vit's question yet_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** i guess i haven't whoops lmao_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** it's a toss up between Katsuki (bc he rlly is hella talented)_

"Shut up." Yuuri threw a pillow at his still-typing roommate.

_**hamsteroverlord:** Phichit Chulanont (bc national pride!!!!)_

"Don't you throw that pillow you little-"

Naturally, Yuuri threw the pillow.

_**hamsteroverlord:** and Chris Giacometti specifically for that encounter_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** tho i guess if it's about their skating then that doesn't really count_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** sooooo_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** i'm gonna pick Katsuki and his amazing step sequences_

"I," Yuuri sat up from his position to glare at Phichit across the way. "Am actually going to murder you. You won't know where or when, but I know where you live."

Phichit, the little shit, just laughed from where he was sat at the table. "Yuuri, I know where you live too!"

"Yes, but you don't have a good cause for murder like I do."

A snort and another pillow to the face later, Phichit was flopped over on the table whining. "Yuuuuuuriiiiii you're so cruel to me! I'm hurt!"

"Oh, go cry me a river." Yuuri retorted, turning back to his phone and ignoring his friends sad pleas for attention and affection.

_**demon-cat:** heck yeah, mom!!!_  
_**demon-cat:** i mean how could you NOT love those step-sequences???_  
_**demon-cat:** actual beauty_  
_**katsucky:** not as good as Victor tho_  
_**demon-cat:** *better than Nikiforov_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** seconded_  
_**katsucky:** are you kidding me?? Victor is literally the best skater in history??? Katsuki has yet to even make it to the GPF, if he ever does_  
_**katsucky:** meanwhile Victor has made it countless times, and WON GOLD several of those_  
_**katsucky:** so u m???? there is no debate here_  
_**vitenka:** *snort* Nikiforov only won gold bc he knows all those fancy jumps_  
_**vitenka:** Katsuki has pretty good PCS and if he were to land all of his jumps he could so beat Nikiforov into next month_  
_**katsucky:** i cannot actually believe what i am reading_  
_**katsucky:** people comparing Victor to some second-rate skater??? and insinuating that said second-rate skater could actually BEAT him???_  
_**katsucky:** y'all are delusional_  
_**Everyone please welcome ; whodranktherum** _  
_**vitenka:** hey snow_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** s n o w !!_  
_**whodranktherum:** Kat, what is this?_  
_**demon-cat:** sup snow_  
_**katsucky:** a friendly discussion..?_

"Holy shit, Yuu."

"What?" Yuuri lowered his phone enough to see Phichit staring at him with wide eyes. 

"You summoned Snow. You really do need to drop the self-deprecation in the chat, they can sense when someone is putting down another skater. You should know this by now."

Yuuri sighed. Phichit was right. This wasn't the first time he's been caught insulting himself by Snow. Usually they just PM him though... 

_**whodranktherum:** It looks like you're insulting the abilities of a skater, Kat._  
_**whodranktherum:** I understand that you really like Victor, but that is no excuse and you know this._  
_**whodranktherum:** I love you Kat, but you really need to stop with this. I have rules I have to uphold here and I can't keep letting you get away with this, okay?_  
_**demon-cat:** oh shit_  
_**katsucky:** yes.... ik.... i'm sorry snow...._  
_**vitenka:** keep?? this has happened before?_  
_**demon-cat:** ya, kat has the habit of defending Nikiforov to the point of fault_  
_**katsucky:** it is not my fault that i get frustrated when people don't see how amazing he is_  
_**katsucky:** especially when they say he only wins bc of his jumps and not his PCS_  
_**katsucky:** even then tho, he worked hard for those jumps too_  
_**katsucky:** people seem to think that Victor became a skater purely by chance and natural skill but that can only get you so far_  
_**katsucky:** he is an amazing skater who worked hard to get where he is_  
_**demon-cat:** hmm, sounds like another skater i know of_  
_**demon-cat:** look, kitkat, i know that it's not all about natural talent_  
_**demon-cat:** but don't let your puppy-crush on Nikiforov blind you to other skaters talent_  
_**katsucky:** tHERE IS NO PUPPY CRUSH WTF_  
_**demon-cat:** Katsuki worked hard to be where he's at too_  
_**demon-cat:** and i'd love to see you try fight me on that after everything you just said_

"Ya know," Yuuri sighed. "Sometimes I think this kid is too smart for his own good."

_**katsucky:** fine_  
_**katsucky:** fine._  
_**katsucky:** you've won this round, ya darn cat_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** kat, he's won the war and you know it_

Phichit shrugged. "He might be, but it's good that he doesn't take your shit."

Letting out a puff of air, Yuuri dropped his phone onto his stomach to stare up at the ceiling. All of this was just too frustrating to deal with right now. What else was frustrating to deal with?

How much he misses Vicchan. 

Really, at this point, it was ridiculous. He has been away from home for four years. He has Phichit if he needs comfort, he can go for runs by himself, he's not bored.

But honestly, nothing can replace a dog, and Vicchan is more than that. Vicchan is family. Vicchan was with him through some really tough times, letting him hold him close and cry into his fur if needed. While he's sure Phichit wouldn't complain exactly if he did the same thing, crying in front of a person is a lot different than doing so in front of a dog. 

Yuuri rolled his eyes at himself. He was being stupid. Vicchan was in Japan still, in Hasetsu with his family. It wasn't like Yuuri would see him any time soon. 

Or... could he?

An idea struck him. He would be going to Japan for the NHK Trophy at the end of November. And there was about a week or so between then and the Finals, if he even made it. So... He would be in Japan anyway.... And it was a bit hard being so far away...

This is insane. Yuuri shook his head violently. This is not the type of decision one makes on a whim like this! There are several repercussions that would be possible. 

Not that Yuuri could think of any as his mind flipped through the possibilities of seeing his family again, seeing Vicchan again. 

Damnit, his head was already too full of daydreams to think clearly! He needs a clear head, or someone else who has one. 

Celestino is out of the question. He would probably immediately shoot it down. A trip home mid-season? Not likely.

Phichit would also be a no. As lovely as he is, he wouldn't help Yuuri see flaws in his plan enough to make a good decision. 

His family and Minako were also a large no. They would be worse than Phichit. 

Who else did he have though? 

A spark of thought. Yuuri lifted his phone. Would...?

It wouldn't be totally irrational, right? To ask him something like this? Yuuri supposed not. They were so-called-fiancés, and so-called-fiancés help each other. Besides, Yuuri really doesn't have anyone else to lean on right now. 

So, the decision was made.

_**Private message between ; katsucky & vitenka** _  
_**katsucky:** hey vit? will you help me with something?_  
_**vitenka:** !!!!!_  
_**vitenka:** of course, kat!!!!_  
_**vitenka:** what else am i here for? ;)_  
_**vitenka:** what may i help you with, solnyshko?_  
_**katsucky:** solnyshko? _  
_**vitenka:** hush and tell me_  
_**katsucky:** (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻_  
_**katsucky:** oky fine_  
_**katsucky:** so um.. i'm going to Japan to watch the NHK trophy this year and i was kinda thinking that while i'm there i could visit my family??_  
_**katsucky:** they don't live near there, but i'd already be in Japan and all and i really miss them_  
_**katsucky:** and my dog_  
_**katsucky:** and i can think of lots of good reasons to go but i want my decision to be grounded, ya know?_  
_**katsucky:** so what are some reasons to not go?_  
_**vitenka:** oh wow. a strange request._  
_**vitenka:** you are full of surprises, darling_  
_**vitenka:** um. i guess one would be that it's at the end of november/beginning of december which is when finals are, isn't it?_  
_**vitenka:** which means you wouldn't have much time to study for your finals_  
_**vitenka:** idk how much money you have but i've heard college students are poor, but yeah, it'd probably cost lots too_  
_**vitenka:** plus seeing them and then leaving again would be hard_  
_**vitenka:** that's what i've got rn, does it help any??_  
_**katsucky:** yes, a bit!!_  
_**katsucky:** thank you~_  
_**katsucky:** where would i be without you tbh_  
_**vitenka:** single?? ;)_

To say that Yuuri wasn't blushing profusely wouldn't even be an understatement, it'd be a downright lie. Yuuri's face was on fire. 

_**katsucky:** uhh hehe, yea (/□＼*)・゜_  
_**katsucky:** u m anyway_  
_**katsucky:** shouldn't you be asleep??_  
_**vitenka:** ya, probably!_  
_**vitenka:** but kaaaaaaat_  
_**vitenka:** i can't fall sleep D:_  
_**katsucky:** vit, it's like,, 1am_  
_**katsucky:** why can't you sleep??_  
_**vitenka:** ....._  
_**vitenka:** i may or may not have depression??_  
_**vitenka:** and it's messing with my thoughts_  
_**katsucky:** oh!_  
_**katsucky:** would you like a distraction??_  
_**vitenka:** yeah... that sounds nice..._  
_**katsucky:** my older sister had wanted a cat, when we were both a lot younger_  
_**katsucky:** our parents would always tell her that we didn't have enough space or time to watch a pet_  
_**katsucky:** so when i got my poodle, she was understandably upset_  
_**katsucky:** she used to take him from my room when i was asleep and let him roam the halls where he often got into stuff_  
_**katsucky:** my parents threatened once to take him away if he got into anything else_  
_**vitenka:** what happened??_  
_**katsucky:** turns out my sister had gotten kind of attatched to Vicchan so she was as horrified as i was at the possibility_  
_**katsucky:** she stopped letting him out of my room after that_  
_**vitenka:** oh my!! XDDD poodles just have that effect on people i guess_  
_**katsucky:** what about Zolotse?? do you have any stories about him??_  
_**vitenka:** heh yeah i remember this one tume_  
_**vitenka:** when he was rlly smol he was such a trouble maker_  
_**vitenka:** my friend_  
_**vitenka:** tho he's more like a dad tb h_  
_**vitenka:** anyway he would get rlly annoyed bc zolotse barked a lot_  
_**vitenka:** so i taught him a trick_  
_**vitenka:** when i say his name in a certain way then he'll bark_  
_**vitenka:** it's funny bc then i can get him to agree or disagre with me_  
_**katsucky:** that's so cute!!_  
_**katsucky:** ..... vit??_  
_**katsucky:** goodnight, love <3_


	9. i'll keep you my dirty little secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A secret comes out and a plan is made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eyyy *finger guns*
> 
> I see that my irregular posting schedule is acting up as I post this not even a full week after the last one!
> 
> Just a few things:  
> This chapter had a lot more planned for it, but at 2250 words I decided that the rest would be in the next chapter! Don't worry though, there isn't really much of a cliffhanger ^^
> 
> I've had a lot of people guessing at who lightafire and whodranktherum are so instead of addressing everyone individually I'm gonna say it here: **lightafire and whodranktherum are OCs!** They aren't skaters, just fans! It would be terribly strange if all of the skaters managed to go directly to the same chat that was created for fans. So if any of the other skaters are in a chatroom, this isn't it. I realize that I did put "they are all figure skaters" in my tags and how that might have been misleading, so I have removed that tag. I am so sorry forgetting your expectations up on seeing the other skaters in the chat, but there will be interactions between the others in the fic during the competition season !!! Just wait a little longer !!!
> 
> This is officially the longest thing I have ever written??? 20,000+ words???? W O W
> 
> I'm almost done with my Christmas projects, so soon I'll be able to put more focus on here again and hopefully have a semi-regular schedule.
> 
> This chapter's title comes from "Dirty Little Secret" by The All-American Rejects!
> 
> I love comments and talking on [tumblr](https://undadasea.tumblr.com) so feel free to do either!!
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

In hindsight, maybe Victor was being careless. Maybe he was being obvious. He certainly wasn't being discreet. But, to be fair, it wasn't like he expected it to be common enough that it would be recognizable.

What was recognizable, you ask? Nothing more than his involvement in the "crazy people talk about figure skating" group chat. 

However, I'm not giving you all the information. Yet. Let's start where it all went wrong, yes?

It was the night before that it actually began. Victor asked a simple question to the members of his chatroom. "who's your fave skater??" he had hit enter with full confidence. It was, after all, a chatroom for figure skating fans, and Victor was curious. It was an experiment, really. Fans favorite skaters vs. skaters favorite skaters. His question had received a few different responses, his own name only appearing once, shockingly. Katsuki Yuuri was there twice. A self-debate by Mom that included Phichit Chulanont of Thailand and Victor's own friend, Chris. 

In the end, Katsuki did have the most votes. Huh.

Of course, Victor had heard of Katsuki before. He had watched his routines as he did every other competitor, noting what the Japanese skater was good at (step sequences) and not so good at (jumps). What could be improved, how Victor would have done it, so on. 

He rewatched a few skates, studying more intently. The way Katsuki moved seemed to make the music more than follow it. Victor was grinning by the time he finished watching. Katsuki was quite beautiful, for all he seemed to lack the confidence that most skaters oozed.

Victor had laid awake that night, and through quite a bit of morning, until he finally fell asleep at 4am. He still had a task to accomplish after all. 

He woke two hours later with a pounding headache, but still he got up and showered, taking two painkillers and hoping they'd kick in during his run to the rink. 

No luck. Oh well.

Sighing, he finished lacing his skates and made his way to the rink. He was first to arrive, aside from Yakov of course, stepping onto the ice at exactly 7am just like any other day, very unaware that this was anything but another day.

It was Mila who entered the rink next, only a few minutes late. He skated up to the barrier as she walked towards the changing rooms. 

"Mila!"

She turned with wide eyes to regard Victor. 

"Hey Victor," She smiled, voice a little strained. "What's up?"

"I have a question for you." He beckoned her over with a finger and she complied, walking towards him if a bit hesitant. "Who's your favorite men's figure skater?" Victor asked when she got close enough that he needn't yell. Mila opened her mouth to answer but Victor raised a hand to cut her off. "Wait. Tell me after practice. I want you to really think about it and give me your honest answer, no outside influences or pressure, kay?"

Confused, she could only nod. He nodded back before turning back to his skating, leaving the baffled female skater to walk to the changing rooms in a daze. 

Victor followed a similar routine with each skater as they entered, very few differences in the whole conversation.

Until one Yuri Plisetsky entered. 

"Yuri!" The teen glowered at him but walked over anyway. Honestly, Victor wasn't sure what had come over Yuri in the past few weeks but he had gone from cold and aggravated to slightly friendly in a weird sort of way and Victor wasn't sure whether to be worried about that or not. Especially considering the question Yuri had asked him, half asleep, that first day when he stayed over. _"Are you okay?"_ played through his head on a daily basis. Perhaps the strangest thing was that Yuri hadn't asked any other questions like that since.

Yuri arrived then, scowl across his angelic features and arms crossed. "What?"

"Who's your favorite figure skater?" Yuri opened his mouth and didn't stop as Victor raised his hand.

"Ha! Fishing for compliments?"

Victor rolled his eyes before looking at Yuri again. "No. I want your honest answer, no influences, after practice today."

For a moment, Victor would swear that Yuri's eyes grew to the size of saucers. But then they returned to their normal glare. 

"Fine, whatever." And Yuri stalked off. 

Well.

_No need to be rude._ Victor chastised in his head as he went back to his skating. 

From there, the day got weirder. 

Victor had grown used to Yuri's glares in the few years that Yuri had been training in their rink, but today it was out of control. And to make matters worse, Yuri seemed quite distracted. His edges weren't as clean, his free leg sloppy, his landings shaky. It was very out of character for him. 

"What has him so shaken today?" Victor heard Yakov grumble when he had stopped to grab a drink. Then, he had shrugged before returning to his own skating, running through his long program and marking jumps since the rink was so full. 

The glares persisted and Victor knew now that Yuri's focus was solely on him and not his own skating. He told as such to Yakov who simply sighed. 

"Yuri, come here!" The coach shouted after another shaky landing from the teen. Victor made to skate away, but Yakov grabbed his sleeve. "No, you stay."

Victor bit his lip, but nodded. Better to not argue with Yakov.

"Yes, coach?" Yuri asked when he skidded to a stop, spraying some ice at Victor doing so. With a sigh, Victor brushed it off.

"Victor has brought to my attention that you appear unfocused today. Why?"

"It's nothing," he pouted. 

"It's not nothing," Yakov sighed, rubbing his temple. "You are watching Victor more than your own skating. What has he done to get you so distracted?"

"Hey!" Victor gasped. "I did nothing wrong!"

"Shut up." Yakov rolled his eyes and turned back to Yuri. "Well?"

Yuri was chewing on his bottom lip and scowling at the ice. "I.." He looked up. "I just need to ask him about something."

Well that was certainly shocking. Usually if Yuri wanted to ask him something, he would come right up and do it, even if Victor was about to jump. He wouldn't hesitate, especially not to the point of messing with his own skating. 

"Go ahead then," Yakov looked between the two of them expectantly, but Yuri just shook his head. 

"Privately."

With a heavy sigh, Yakov gestured to the lunch room. "Go, then. You have ten minutes."

There was no chatter between them as they walked to the vacant room. No teasing, no jokes, just silence.

When they entered the room, there was silence there, too, for a minute, before Victor spoke up.

"What is it, Yuri?"

Another beat of silence. Another. Then-

"Are you Vitenka?"

That was... certainly not what Victor was expecting. Yuri calling him by a name he had no right to? Definitely not on his list of things he thought would possibly happen. If he was honest, it was kind of annoying to him, but Yuri was young and Victor didn't let anything other than slight disdain show in his words. 

"Yes? I am Victor. Who else would I be?"

"No, I mean- Argh!" Yuri threw his hands in the air before dropping into a chair, still glaring at Victor. "Do you- Have you heard of a chatroom called 'crazy people talk about figure skating'?"

Victor froze. Oh.

OH.

_Well damn._

"Have you?" Victor asks instead of the many other questions running through his head. 

"Obviously, dumbass." Yuri rolled his eyes. "But tell me, are you Vitenka in that chat?"

"Wait-" Victor's eyes widened. "Are- Are you dc??"

It was the only thing that might make sense. Yuri knowing of the chat, knowing Victor's penname. There was only one other Russian in that chatroom. One who was...

One who was 14 years old. Who was kind but brash. Who was... just like Yuri. Oh God. Victor was an idiot.

The things he had told him. _I told him about my depression. About my thoughts, about my sleeping problems. OH GOD._

He barely heard Yuri speak through the fog in his mind. "I am."

Yup. Victor was totally screwed.

"Now answer."

"Yes, I am." Victor croaked.

Yuri's jaw dropped. "I... I knew it. Victor, you-"

Victor laughed, a sad sound. "Yes, I know. Secret's out, I guess."

"Victor..." Yuri's eyes had softened a bit. 

"I'm depressed." Victor said, glaring at the floor. "Happy now? I've told you twice." Here, he lifted his head to watch Yuri's reactions. "Funny, isn't it? That we managed to end up in the same chatroom? That the one place I had been hoping to escape from everything-" he gestured at the room, the rink, his life. "-I manage to run into one of the same people I had been hiding from." He laughed bitterly. 

"Of course I'm not happy!" Yuri squawked, anger rising. "I wasn't happy when you said it the first time, I'm not happy that you said it again, confirming it! You think I want you to be depressed? I had thought that maybe, _just maybe_ , we were becoming closer. Both inside the chat and out, before I knew that you were the same person. I wanted to be your friend, Victor."

"Wanted?"

"Want."

They stared at each other in a tense quiet for several moments before Victor spoke again. 

"So what now, hm?"

"What now." Yuri repeated, gaze falling to the floor. "Now, we continue on."

Victor scoffed. "And what? Pretend this didn't happen? That we only know as much about each other as we did before? That you don't know I have depression, and I don't know you have problems in school? Yuri, be realistic. You know as well as I that we can't just pretend this didn't happen."

"I didn't say that, though. I said we continue on. So we know a bit more about each other now, so what? It's nothing we wouldn't have found out eventually anyway. No one else knows how well we knew each other before, or know each other now. Who would we be pretending for?"

Yuri... had a point, as much as Victor hated to admit it. Still, he hated the idea of Yuri knowing the one thing he considered his darkest secret. However, wasn't it dc who had helped him discover it in the first place? Even if he hadn't figured out that they were the same person, Yuri knew either way. 

No harm, no foul? 

Victor sighed. "Alright fine." He glanced at his watch. Twelve minutes had passed. "We need to go or Yakov is going to kill us both." Yuri nodded and stood, making his way to the door before pausing, turning back to Victor with his mouth open, but Victor beat him to it. "We can talk about this better tonight, at my house? Or over text, or whatever. We definitely need to continue talking about it, but now isn't the time." Yuri nodded and left.

Victor stayed back for a moment to catch his breath and his thoughts. That was when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out and smiled when he saw a message from one particular app.

Normally messages didn't come when he was at practice, so maybe something important had happened?

He opened the notification up and was lead into a direct message board instead of the usual chatroom. Not just any message board, but the one he had been using to talk to kat last night. 

_**Private message between ; katsucky & vitenka** _  
_**katsucky:** goodnight, love <3_  
_**katsucky:** so guess what vit???????_

Victor chuckled to himself as he typed up his reply and pushed open the door to make his way back to the rink. 

_**vitenka:** what????????? :OO_  
_**katsuky:** i'll be going home after the nhk!_  
_**vitenka:** !!!!!!!_  
_**vitenka:** gosh, kat, that's so awesome!!!!! <3<3_

"Victor! Phone away, please!" He heard Yakov shout, faintly. He vaguely remembers waving a hand disinterestedly. 

_**katsucky:** ikr????? i'm much excite!!_  
_**katsucky:** i made sure to make plans for everything you mentioned last nifght so that i wouldn;t have as much to worry about_  
_**katsucky:** s thnk you  <3<3_  
_**katsucky:** wow my writing is rllly bad rn ahaha it's too early forr thi shit_  
_**vitenka:** aha, isn't it, like, 6am for you??_  
_**katsucky:** ya, whoops, i have school and owrk to dya buuut_  
_**katsucky:** i relly don't want to go bc i'm not reallly in the modo to talk to people todya_  
_**vitenka:** honestly, same, but you've got to!! don't worry tho, tomorrow is saturday, so you should have that day free right?_  
_**katsucky:** ughh, but i have homework i have to do theeeeennnnn_  
_**katsucky:** viiiiteeeeenkaaaaaa don't make me do this_  
_**vitenka:** unfortunately, kat, i can't stop it_  
_**vitenka:** and i can't provide anymore of a distraction either, my boss is yelling at me for being on my phone_  
_**katsucky:** aw fuck, you're at work????? and ou're stulll texting me?????_  
_**katsucky:** you sweet stupid boy_  
_**katsucky:** go work dumb dumb xp_  
_**katsucky:** love yaaaaaa  <3_  
_**vitenka:** yes yes, love you too  <3_

When Victor set his phone down, Yakov grumbling behind him, he was sporting possibly the brightest blush he ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH, btw, I'm planning to start a new chapter fic when the new year comes so tell me, would you be more interested in a devil/angel au or a royalty au? :) I plan to write both, of course, but I need help picking one so~


	10. How much you wanna risk?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri and Victor have a much needed talk...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW HELLO  
> It has been WAAAAYYYY too long since my last update, sorry!! Almost a full month is a long time, hopefully I won't have that big a break again... This was attributed to rereading my favorite books, depression, Christmas, school... and soon to add on acting and therapy.  
> Geez.
> 
> Anyway, this chapter has descriptions of depression, or one account of it, so please be careful of that if it may affect you! It's only two paragraphs, starting at "Victor took a deep breath" and ends at "You wanted to be my friend."
> 
> Hope you enjoy!!

There was still much to be talked about.

Yuri was aware of this as he cooled down after practice. He was aware as he took a short shower in the locker room. He was aware as he laced up his sneakers and pulled on his jacket. 

What Yuri was not aware about was when they would talk about it. Victor had said that they definitely neededto do it soon, and he agreed. Victor had also invited him to his house to discuss it. Or, Yuri thinks he did. It was offhandedly mentioned. But Victor had been ignoring him since their return to the ice, and had instead been listening to his music and not Yakov and smiling like an idiot.

He huffed as he leaned against the back of the bench he was sitting on, waiting for Victor so he could see what was happening.

Victor, who has depression. Of course, Yuri had guessed at it when Kat described it to him, but hearing it confirmed like this? It shocked him more than it should have. Well, maybe he's not being that overdramatic, it's only his first childhood _idol_ right? Sure, maybe Yuri was a bigger fan of Katsuki Yuuri now then he was a fan of Victor, but who do you think got him into skating in the first place?

Seeing Victor skating on the ice for the first time felt similar to how Yuri imagined it would feel if you saw a Goddess. He was ethereal, an enchanting beauty. That had, over the course of time, faded into a more elegant image, which may be the reason Yuri's attentions had shifted.

Now Katsuki Yuuri, he was still both enchanting and elegant. And perhaps Yuri still held onto his childish amazement of magical creatures. He could certainly see Katsuki as a graceful ice prince, his blue costumes and his black hair creating an image to go with the story his skating told. 

Crap. He was getting off-topic. Victor. Victor's depressed. What had Yuri read about depression? 

Often bred by a feeling of aloneness. Usually found with insomnia and anxiety, though Yuri couldn't sense any anxiety in Victor. Maybe he was good at hiding it, or maybe he didn't have it. Feelings of emptiness and lack of enjoyment in things you used to love.

What does Victor love? Skating. Makkachin.

...

Was that it? 

There wasn't really much other than those that came up in interviews with Victor. That's... sad. So lack of enjoyment? Yuri remembered the day that he and Victor were the last two in the rink, so many nights ago. He remembered seeing Victor skating like he had lost something, or was lost. 

So he can't find joy in skating anymore? What else did he have?

Makkachin.

Makkachin, who is older than Yuri is. Makkachin, who Yuri secretly loved but knew was old and not going to live forever. Makkachin, who often had to stay with a neighbor while Victor was at competitions, who Victor only saw in the mornings before practice and nights after.

Yuri wasn't letting this happen anymore.

Victor would have one more thing in his life; Yuri. He wouldn't let Victor keep moving through the motions, especially not if he was competing against him next year. 

He would bring Victor's life some, well, life.

That was the point in which his thoughts cut off as Victor stepped out of the locker room and saw him. 

"Hey. Am I going to your house so we can continue talking or what?" Direct, it seemed to work best.

Victor smiled slightly, cocking a hip to the side and placing a hand delicately on it. "Sure. It's probably not something to discuss over text anyway."

"Fabulous." Yuri moved to stand but Victor held out a hand to make him stop. 

"Hold on. I need to talk to Yakov first really quick, then we can go." He parted without another word, dropping his bag by Yuri's feet and jogging lightly down the hall to Yakov's office and entering it without knocking. 

Sighing, he leans back and let's his head drop. Great. More time to think, that's always fun.

Or not.

"Yuri!~" Mila came up and sat beside him, crossing her legs elegantly. "What's up? Normally you're the first one out."

Yuri debated what to tell her. On one hand, Mila was the closest person to a friend he had aside from Victor. On the other, this meant he knew about her love for rink gossip. Then again, it wasn't like this wouldn't be common knowledge either way. 

"I'm waiting for Victor."

Obviously, this wasn't the answer she was expecting. Mila jerked back to face him, her legs uncrossing and her eyes widening.

"Why- Why are you waiting for the ice prince himself? Yuri you had _lunch_ with him. I guess he wasn't that bad?" 

A sigh. "No, he's not _that_ bad, Mila. I don't even know where this whole 'ice prince' thing came from, except that he's so fucking good at skating."

"Have you never heard the story?" Yuri shook his head which caused Mila to scoot closer, dropping her voice to a conspiratory whisper. "Victor never really talked to any of the senior skaters and when he did, it was always very stiff. He started getting big when I joined, and whenever I tried to talk to him he always wore this smile that was never quite warm. He was constantly acting as if he was above everyone else."

Yuri let himself digest this information, and had to hold back a snort. Victor, lording himself above everyone? The same Victor who constantly praised everyone in the group chat? Who refused to let anyone else put themselves down and then downplayed himself? Unbelievable.

"I'm not sure where you get that from. From what I've learned, he cares deeply for everyone here, he just doesn't know how to show it." The person who spoke wasn't Yuri. Nor was it Mila. It wasn't even Georgi, or Yakov, or anyone else.

It was Victor. 

"HOLY SHIT!" Yuri launched himself off the bench. "Victor!"

The oldest skater just laughed at their reactions, Yuri looking a lot like a frightened cat and Mila looking like a dear caught in headlights. 

"Sorry sorry. Come on, Yuri. We have much to talk about." Victor grabbed his bag and walked past without making sure Yuri was following. He did move to do so, but Mila grabbed his arm.

"Um, pardon me, but what the fuck was that?" Yuri could only shrug as he followed Victor out of the rink.

They were silent in the car, and silent on the way up the elevator, and silent as they entered Victor's house. Yuri went to sit on the couch, dropping his bag beside him and laying down. 

"Oh no." Victor pulled him back up. "Shower first. You are covered in sweat."

"Do I have to?" Yuri groaned. "I'm sore. I don't want to move."

Victor smiled. "Guess what? Hot water will relax your muscles, now move."

"Damnit." He laughed. "I forgot that. Fine."

Once Yuri gets out of the shower Victor gets in, and he finds a meal prepared and laid out on the table, somehow untouched by Makkachin who was snuffling the ground around the table. He saw a plate already in the sink, so he ate the food, giving one or two bites to Makkachin, not that he'd ever admit it.

And when Victor got out of the shower, they sat on the couch together. 

"Okay, great. Now what?" Yuri prompted. Honestly he didn't know what to expect of this conversation. He wasn't sure what there was to discuss, though he knew there was something in the way that Victor was acting now.

Victor took a deep breath then, releasing it, let all the words flow out. "I've been depressed for probably around two to three years. I only found out about depression and all of this stuff in the group chat. Before I just figured I was running out of ideas of how to surprise people, how to keep them wanting more. I know now that it isn't ideas I am out of, it's motivation. Some day's it hurts to get out on the ice but I do it anyway, it's all I know how to do." A deep breath, and Yuri looked at Victor's eyes to see how glassy they had become. Victor wasn't looking at him.

"It fucking sucks feeling like this. And it isn't something that happens constantly, which I think is worse. It's sporadic, but it's often. I do have days where I feel fine, like I used to. And then there are days where I can't focus on anything, I can barely make myself get up." Here, he faces Yuri. "You said you want to be my friend. Why?"

The question made Yuri think. Why did he? He realized that he didn't know why. Perhaps it was because he could see that Victor didn't have anyone, maybe because he had a family and knew how much their support meant. Victor was always by himself due to the 'ice prince' rumor. Maybe that was why. No one should be by themselves/

In the end, Yuri decided to go with the truth. "I don't know," he whispered. "I honestly just don't know. At some point I guess I realized that I did."

Victor laughed gently. "You have a good drive, doing something without knowing why you want to."

"I guess."

"Nothing has to change. You know that, right?"

"Wrong." Yuri stared back at Victor, who's eyebrows had rose. "Things _have_ to change. It's not okay, how you feel? I've done research, Victor. It's not something that you have to live with. And being alone isn't either. Things are gonna change, but they'll change for the better."

Victor stared at him in shock for a moment before pulling him into a hug. "Thank you," he whispered into Yuri's hair. Yuri only responded by hugging him tighter for a moment. 

"Okay great." Yuri said when they finally pulled back. "Do you want to let the chat know that we know each other, or shall we just keep that secret?"

"Hmm, I don't see the harm," Victor shrugged. "Do you want to watch a movie?"

"Yeah, put in something cool. Do you want to tell them or shall I?"

"You go ahead."

"Okay."

_**Everyone please welcome ; demon-cat** _  
_**katsucky:** fuck you mom_  
_**katsucky:** oh!_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** hey dc_  
_**katsucky:** hey darn cat_  
_**lightafire:** what's up lil dude?_  
_**demon-cat:** actually smth is up_  
_**demon-cat:** so cheeck this ready?_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** ?????_  
_**demon-cat:** turns out that vitenka?_  
_**lightafire:** ?!??!?!?!??!?_  
_**demon-cat:** apparently i know him irl_  
_**demon-cat:** wild right? lmao_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_  
_**lightafire:** that's aweosme!!!_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** how'd you find out????_  
_**lightafire:** how did you know?_  
_**demon-cat:** the idiot mentioned smth that he had said in here_  
_**demon-cat:** and i called him out on it_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** omggg i;m dying_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** that's gold_  
_**lightafire:** w o w_  
_**demon-cat:** now i'm laying on his couch watching a movive_

*~*~*

_**Private message between ; katsucky & vitenka** _  
_**katsucky:** hey!!_  
_**vitenka:** hi!! what's up??_  
_**katsucky:** not much. i took mom out to walmart to cheer him up_  
_**vitenka:** oh no D: what happened?_  
_**katsucky:** he had a problem so my solution was shopping_  
_**katsucky:** it's a tried method_  
_**katsucky:** works every time with him_  
_**vitenka:** n i c e_  
_**katsucky:** ikr?_  
_**katsucky:** so what's been happening in the great country of russia?_  
_**vitenka:** well i'm sure you saw in the chat_  
_**vitenka:** but turns out dc and I know each other irl_  
_**vitenka:** wild as that is_  
_**katsucky:** i did see!!_  
_**katsucky:** that's pretty cool_  
_**katsucky:** ok i have an ulterior motive here..._  
_**vitenka:** ???_  
_**vitenka:** what is it zaichik???_  
_**katsucky:** well_  
_**katsucky:** i think that..._  
_**katsucky:** i think i might have a small crush on you_  
_**vitenka is typing...** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scream at me in the comments or on [tumblr](https://undadasea.tumblr.com)!!


	11. hope is so much stronger than fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri thinks about what he said and Phichit has a problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *coughs* SUP BITCHES
> 
> guess who has the fucking flu?? this girl!! I feel like crap but I still managed to write 2000+ words of this fic for you guys while I'm bed-ridden (chair-ridden?? I mean technically) 
> 
> This was supposed to be out last week and it so would have!! but then, well, shit happened and long story short, we found an emaciated, paralyzed, pregnant dog and none of the puppies survived, but the mom is okay and she was taken to another home on Tuesday who will be able to care for her properly!! yay!!
> 
> um, anywho, that's what's been happening in my life, what about yours?? 
> 
> today's chapter title comes from "Battle Scars" by Paradise Fears!! if you haven't listened to the other's, you should definitely listen to this one, it is such a great song!
> 
> I hope you enjoy :D

_Earlier that day, somewhere across the globe..._

Yuuri was remembering the words a much less awake Yuuri. _"love yaaaaaa <3"_ Honestly now was not the best time to be thinking about this as he watched his physiology teacher drone on about one thing or another, he wasn't really paying attention. His mind was only on his conversation with vitenka earlier. 

_Oh god... did I really say that?_ "Yes," says his phone and the messages on it. 

For a brief moment he considered banging his head on his desk, only disrupted by the thought that it would bring attention to him.

And as much as he hated to admit it, barely-awake-Yuuri was extremely honest. So if he did say that, then he meant it even if awake-Yuuri didn't know it. Until now.

So.. he loves vitenka. So what? There are all types of love, right? Romantic isn't it, he loves Phichit, and his family, platonically. However he's getting the feeling that maybe this is more than that.

Yuuri has had crushes before. Was that what this was? A crush? Okay. How does he feel when he has a crush? 

1\. He wants to cuddle with them. Hold and be held.  
...Yup.

2\. Gets butterflies when he see's a message from them.  
Yeah. 

3\. Smiles whenever he thinks about them.  
Yes...

So he... he has a crush on vitenka. The silly Russian who texts like a teenager, who said "love you" back, who helped him so much.

Well... shit. Was this wise? To develop a crush on someone who lives so far away? It's.. it's not like they'd ever meet up. It is possible, of course. Especially since Yuuri travels for competitions, and the Grand Prix Final is in Russia, so if he did make it then he would be there. But he would be freaking out too. Would it be wise to do that? Meet someone who he barely knew when he was anxious about performing? And what if he lost? Yuuri knew himself well enough that he wouldn't want to meet his crush for the first time after a defeat.

So yeah, probably not a good idea.

But also. But also what if vitenka distracted him enough to forget his anxiety for a while? What if he helped him calm down before he went out on the ice? What if he held him while he cried after a loss? 

All of this was assuming vitenka likes him back, of course.

He needed to know. Perhaps that was what hit him hardest; the desire to know if his feelings were reciprocated. 

Yuuri jumped when he heard the bell go off and saw everyone gathering their stuff. He had missed pretty much the entire lesson. Whoops. 

He picked up his stuff too and stepped out of the room, making his way to his favorite café to study. 

There was one hint that maybe vitenka feels the same; he said it back. Yuuri opened his phone and stared at the words. _yes, yes, love you too <3_ That had to mean something, right?

God, he needed help. And who better than Phichit, self-proclaimed love expert?

So, Yuuri detoured. He turned the way towards their dorm instead, knowing that Phichit's classes were over for the day and he was likely sitting on the couch, scrolling on something on his phone (honestly, at this point, Yuuri was afraid to ask). 

When Yuuri got there, he was only half correct in his assumptions. Yes, Phichit was sitting on the couch. No, Phichit was not on social media, his phone was laying face down on the table. That was the first alert that something was wrong. The second was the shock on Phichit's tear-stained face as he stared back at Yuuri.

"What happened?" Yuuri asked as he gently set his backpack on the floor and moved over to sit by Phichit, who had buried his face in his arms, knees pulled up to his chest. 

The reply was a horrible muffled mess, so Yuuri asked again, wrapping an arm around his friend. This time, Phichit raised his head and asked clearly "I thought you were going to study.."

"I decided not to, at least not at the café. Not important, Phi. Why are you crying?"

The Thai sighed, but relented. "I... I failed. I failed the test. The test that counts for 20% of my final grade! Yuuri, I _failed_." New tears rose and fell, despite Phichit's obvious attempts to make them stop. 

"Oh, Phichit..." Yuuri whispered, pulling him into a proper hug, rubbing soothing circles into his back. Yuuri knew how much this meant to his friend. Phichit is the pride and joy of Thailand, an up-and-coming star, an example to so many people. Failing a test that major would give him negative press, definitely not something he needed, 19 years old and competing in two months. 

They sat there for a bit, Phichit's sobbing starting up again before dying down, Yuuri quiet and comforting the whole time. When Phichit fell silent, Yuuri pulled him back so he could look him in the eyes.

"Phichit, it's okay. We're going to fix this." And he believed it. If it was for Phichit, Yuuri would move a mountain. 

"How?" Phichit croaked, eyes downcast.

Yuuri tapped his chin in thought. How indeed. "Well, you could see if you can retake it. It depends on your teacher, of course, but it's worth a shot, right?" Phichit nodded. "And if they say no, then you just work on projects and extra-credit assignments to bring your grade back up. You only have one competition in the Grand Prix, and after that, Four Continents won't be for another two months. You've got this, okay?"

Phichit nodded again, looking up from his lap to smile at Yuuri. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Thanks Yuu."

"You are ever so welcome." Yuuri jokingly bowed. "For now though, we're going to go waste some time at Walmart. Whadaya say?"

"I'm always ready to waste time at Walmart, Yuuri. Who do you think I am?"

*~*~*

There are people who go to cafes with their friends and make jokes over over-priced drinks, and there are people who hang around the living room, draped over each other and acting goofy. 

And then there were Yuuri and Phichit, who liked to terrorize their local Walmart by making stupid puns at everything.

"Phichit we don't need any more beets. Put it down."

"Yuuri, are you telling me to... drop the beet?" 

Phichit then dropped the beet and began dancing to music that only he could hear. Yuuri was laughing uncontrollably after just a few seconds of it. "Oh God that was so bad."

"Aw, Yuuri," Phichit stopped and pouted at him. Well, as best as he could with a shit-eating grin. "You always take me for pome-granted."

"OH NO. STOP." If this went on for much longer, Yuuri would probably be rolling on the ground. 

They moved on, Phichit pulling Yuuri through the store, both of them making awful puns about it all. At one point, Phichit left Yuuri in the soda aisle only to come back to-

"Go! Yes, Go, beer, go! Go!"

"Yuuri what are you- Oh. Root beer. Oh my God Yuuri that is so bad."

"You're right... I could Dew better."

"Yuuri holy shit."

In the end, they bought a lot more than they had left to buy. Which is, to say, absolutely nothing. But Yuuri had succeeded in cheering Phichit up, which was his main goal.

Of course, he didn't succeed in forgetting his earlier realization. And unfortunately, Yuuri was not the best at hiding his thoughts from his friend.

"Alright Yuuri," Phichit started as they put their groceries away. "Today has been great, but there is obviously something else on your mind. Spill."

Yuuri sighed. "It was inevitable, huh? So... um.... This morning I sent a message to vitenka..."

"Oh?" He could hear the faked nonchalance in Phichit's voice.

"Yeah.."

"And?"

"And I was really tired and had no filters."

"Oh my God, did you go on another 'Victor is an actual God' rant?"

"No! Gosh, a guy rants _one time_ -"

"Okay so what happened?" Phichit grabbed him by the shoulders and sat him down on the table, sitting across from him on the counter to give his full attention.

"I um.. I said I love you?"

"HOLY SHIT. Yuuri!"

"And he said it back!"

"OH. MY. GOD." Phichit lept off the counter and began pacing. "Okay. Okay that's insane, but yeah, there's nothing wrong with that. We tell each other we love each other all the time."

"Yeah, but, um," Yuuri stood up and grabbed Phichit's shoulders, rolls reversing as he made Phichit sit on the table and he leaned against the counter. "I was thinking about it in class, you know, with a little more coherency, and I realized that it might, MIGHT, mind you, have a little bit more... meaning? behind it."

"Meaning? What does that-" Phichit's eyes widened. "Oh. OH. Yuuri. Yuuri do you mean-"

"I think- No, I know I have a crush on vitenka." Yuuri stared down at his sock-clad feet, feeling the heat climb his face at admitting his crush out loud. 

"Well," Phichit slid off his perch and leaned next to Yuuri. "What do you plan to do?"

"I don't knoooow," Yuuri whined, resting his head on Phichit's shoulder. "What should I do?"

Phichit hummed in thought, bringing a hand up to play with Yuuri's hair. "There are two options here, as far as I can see it. One, you can keep it a secret and suffer in silence, whining to me about how 'vitenka did this really cute thing' every day which I am only slightly against. Or two, you could tell him, fall in love, meet in real life, get married, and live happily ever after. Your choice."

"Haha, as if I could ever actually tell him."

"Come on Yuuri, what's the worst that could happen, hm? Say you do tell him, and he says he doesn't like you back. Things get awkward for a while, you both move on. And if you tell him and he likes you back then that leads to endless possiblities of love and romance!" Yuuri sighed and slid to the floor, Phichit following soon after. "Come on Yuuri. This is the first time I've ever heard you say you like someone other than Victor Nikiforov. It must be a sign. Do it for me, if not for yourself."

"Do it for you?" He giggled. "How would this be for you?"

"I get to see my best friend being happy?"

"Hmmm okay fine. I guess. If it will make you happy."

*~*~*

Of course, it wasn't actually that simple. Yuuri was nothing if not notorious for overthinking everything. 

It took several attempts to unlock his phone, and several more to open the app. He went over to Phichit a few times to ask him what he should say, how he should phrase it, what he should open with, when he should bring it up. Naturally, Phichit was a massive jerk and wouldn't help him aside from "be direct" and "you have to do it before he goes to bed, Yuuri" which is, to say, no help at all. 

Tonight, he told himself. He would do it tonight. It was the same day he said "I love you" so it only makes sense, right? 

Yuuri took a deep breath. He could do this. He was a national champion, he had competed in international competitions and he had won gold at a few of them. He was in college with good grades and he had a loving family. He could send a message to a friend, no problem.

No problem except the possible crushing pain if said friend decided they didn't like him back and dropped him like a hot potato. Not a big deal. He could do it.

For Phichit, right?

Right.

*~*~*

_**vitenka:** what is it zaichik???_  
_**katsucky:** well_  
_**katsucky:** i think that..._  
_**katsucky:** i think i might have a small crush on you_  
_**vitenka:** aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!_  
_**vitenka:** um_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...... whoops.  
>  I know, I'm an ass~  
> I promise you'll get to know more next chapter. I can only drag this out so long, hm?
> 
> Come scream at me over on [tumblr](https://undadasea.tumblr.com)!


	12. you've got a heart full of gold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor freaks out and Yuri gets a new nickname.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M FUCKING DONE. JESUS. 
> 
> I wanted to finish this about... 3 hours ago? And then the Olympics came on and the figure skating started today and well, fuck it. But HOLY SHIT Shoma Uno was great!! And the pair skaters who danced to 'Yuri on ice'!!! 
> 
> But I'm still updating today damnit.
> 
> I'm going to put the rest of my notes at the bottom because slight spoilers and such~
> 
> The chapter title is from "Sexual"by Neiked ft Dyo!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, I hated writing it~

_**vitenka:** um_  
_**vitenka:** oh my god_  
_**katsucky:** i'm sorry aaaa_  
_**katsucky:** i didn't mean to dump it on you like that_  
_**katsucky:** fu ck_  
_**vitenka:** no it's fine i just_  
_**vitenka:** i honestly don't know how to respond_  
_**katsucky:** you don't have to!!_  
_**vitenka:** bc like_  
_**vitenka:** yes i do, you deserve a proper response_  
_**vitenka:** it's just that um_  
_**vitenka:** i don't know?? how i feel????_  
_**vitenka:** ? about you_

And that was the truth.

Victor was staring at his phone, shaking slightly as he racked his brain. Of course he liked kat but... Did he have a CRUSH on him? He didn't know. He hadn't thought about that. He guessed it is possible??? But how sure was he?

Not at all.

Crap, he needed a different opinion or he'd blow. Jesus.

Of course, the only other person here was.... "Um, Yuri?"

"Yeah?" The teen looked over at him from the opposite end of the couch, having to look over his knees to see.

"Jesus fuck. Okay, I need your help."

"Oh shit." Yuri put his phone down and sat up straighter. "You are asking for my help. You. THE Victor Nikiforov. Go on."

Victor sighed, but pressed on. Yuri was young but he was Victor's only option right now. "Have you ever had a crush?"

"Yes?"

"How did you know?"

"What happened?"

"Um, Kat just.. Told me he has a crush on me? And I have no idea if I like him back or not. Fuck, Yuri, help me I don't want to leave him hanging!"

"Jesus, Victor." Yuri ran a hand through his hair, his bangs falling directly back over his eye anyway. "Um, gosh, I don't know, how'd the conversation go?"

"Okay, okay. So, we were talking about our days and he mentioned that mom had had a bad day, and I said how we know each other right? And then he said he had an ulterior motive and said he has a crush on me and then I started freaking out and said that I don't know how to respond because I don't know how I feel and then I told you and now here we are."

"Chill, okay? Nothing to freak out over," Yuri sighed as he scooted closer and wrapped an arm around Victor's shoulder. "Just, like, think it over overnight. You don't want to rush into anything because you're high on emotion and the idea that someone likes you, especially if you have no idea if you like him back."

"Yeah, okay, that makes sense." Victor took a deep breath and nodded his head. "But what do I tell him now?"

"JUST," Yuri closed his eyes and drew in a big breath before he started yelling. It's fine, this is fine. Victor is a giant idiot but he's got this. "Tell him you need to think about it overnight and that you'll tell him tomorrow. Give yourself some time and SPACE to think about it, don't open the chat again until you're ready."

"Okay," Victor sighed. "Okay. I can do that. I can do that. Yeah." He looked down at his phone, and then back up at Yuri with a grateful smile. "Thanks Yuri."

"You're welcome, I guess. Now tell the loverbird so we can watch this damn movie. Old people are gross, god..."

Victor chuckled. "I will."

_**katsucky:** i don't want to pressure you into anying ;w;_  
_**katsucky:** you can totally just forget i mention ed it_  
_**katsucky:** i made everything weird gahhhh_  
_**vitenka:** you didn't!!_  
_**vitenka:** it's fine, it's fine just_  
_**vitenka:** i think i need to take a bit to think about it, bc i don't want to rush into anything, ya know?_  
_**vitenka:** so i've decided that i'll think about it tonight and get back to you tomorrow?_  
_**vitenka:** if that's okay with oyu ofc!!!_  
_**katsucky:** oh gosh, yes, of course it is fine with me_  
_**katsucky:** i told you, i don't want to push you into anything_  
_**katsucky:** i can wait ^^_  
_**vitenka:** okay.. i'll sign off until then, ok?_  
_**katsucky:** okay_  
_**katsucky:** goodnight?_  
_**vitenka:** goodnight!_  
_**vitenka is offline** _

He huffed and leaned back into the couch, staring straight at the TV.

"You ready?" Yuri asked, picking up the remote to turn on the screen. Victor nods and it lights up to reveal the movie. "You chose 'The Aristocats'?"

"You mentioned once that you have a cat. I'm not much of a cat person myself, of course," here bent over to pet Makkachin, who was laying by his feet. "But I had it and I've seen it a few times. It's cute."

Yuri stared at him in disbelief for a long moment before shrugging and getting comfortable again. Victor could have sworn he heard him mumble something that sounded awfully similar to "it's not like you picked my favorite movie or anything nooo, nope, definitely not my favorite Disney movie, jerk, how'd you fucking do that" but he wasn't about to say anything about it as he settled in to watch the movie. 

Somewhere in the middle, Yuri may or may not have patted the couch to invite Makkachin up, and it's possible he cuddled with Victor's dog through over half but no one from the rink needs to know that. 

And maybe Victor smiled widely at the thought, knowing Yuri would furiously deny it after the movie. So he left him there, holding Makkachin, as he got up to refill their drinks with Sprite. When he came back he noticed how Yuri's eyes were closed, arms wrapped around Makkachin. He smiled.

Yuri had yet to actually finish a movie at his house. 

So he cleaned up the guest bed, because it'd be hell on Yuri's back tomorrow if he let him stay on the couch, and shooed Makkachin off the couch so he could lift the younger skater and carry him to a proper bed. 

"I wasn't... done with that..." Yuri mumbled, holding on to Victor's neck anyway as he was laid in the bed. 

"You fell asleep, kotya, yes you were."

"Shut up, no I didn't."

"Hush. Sleep." Victor retreated to the couch. 

He was no where near tired, himself, but that wasn't new. It didn't matter though, he had to think anyway, right? 

Kat.... Kat likes him. That's a thing.

"Crap..." He leaned forward, resting his head in his hands. How the fuck was he supposed to deal with this? 

An idea popped into his head and okay, yeah, sure, maybe it's a little crazy but you know what? Nothing about this day has been normal anyway. 

He dug through his side table, pulling out a pen and a notepad he took from some hotel last year when he had needed to write down an idea. At the top he wrote "do I like katsucky?" and from there, he begun writing.

" _This is stupid but fuck it I'm doing it anyway. Okay so kat likes me. Great. Do I like him though? I told him I'd figure it out tonight but I'm not sure if I can. My mind is a mess. How do I know if I like ANYONE? Um, let's see..._

_1\. When I like someone, I get excited talking to them._  
_2\. When I like someone, I hope I get to see them that day. Which, I guess translates to messaging him every day?_  
_3\. When I like someone, I try and make them laugh._

_God I'm gay._

_Okay so this isn't sounding good..._

_Or is it? Do I WANT to like him?_

_... I think I want to like him._

_But do I?_

_This is only kind of helping_

Victor sighed. He had been doing that a lot today. He didn't even know what he's doing anymore, his usually impeccable handwriting was chicken scratch. 

_But it's helping so on we go._

_So... to everything listed above, yes. Yes I do get excited and I do want to talk to him daily and I do like it when he laughs at what I've said. So... I do. Holy shit._

_I like kat._

_Oh my fucking god._

The pen clattered to the floor as Victor buried his face in his hands, feeling heat crawl up his neck and spread across his face. Oh god. Oh god oh god oh godohgodohgodohgodoh-

Okay he's got this. Not a big deal. He just.... has a crush on someone he has never seen a picture of, or gotten a description. But he's beautiful on the inside, Victor decides. That much he can tell from their interactions. So what does it matter what he looks like? It doesn't.

So um, that's all well and great but now he is expected to TELL KAT how he feels and okay great yup, yay? He felt l a bit like throwing up but you know what? Kat told him without knowing how he felt, he has the advantage. He knows he most likely won't get turned down, knowing Kat likes him too. So this should be easy right?

Wrong. Nope. Victor was nauseous. He was light-headed. He wasn't even DOING ANYTHING how the fuck is he supposed to do this?

Breathe. Deep breaths. He's worked through the first part. Now he just needs to... fucking tell him. 

It's too late for this, he decides, ripping is notes from the book and returning the pen and paper to their original spot. That was helpful at least. 

He tosses the paper in the trashcan in his bathroom as he moves through his night routine, brushing his teeth among everything else, before he crawled into bed.

Sleep didn't come fast, but it came and that's the important thing. 

*~*~*

The good thing about having Yuri stay at his house was he was with him in the morning.

"Good morning, kotya!"

"Would you stop calling me that?" The teen grumbled, dropping into a seat at Victor's table as the man himself cooked at the stove. 

"Why?" He laughed, finishing up making some omelets. "You act like a little kitten, so why wouldn't I call you one, hm?"

Yuri snorted. "Because I told you not to? I don't know. It's too early for this."

"Yuri, you always get up this early."

"No I don't, I live closer to the rink, I get up later. This, this is a stupid fucking time to be awake. I'm going back to bed, damnit."

"Wow," Victor chuckled, placing the food in front of the teen before he could make good on that. "You have such a filthy mouth in the morning, Yurioooo."

Yuri froze, his second or third bite of omelet halfway to his mouth as he stared at Victor. "What. In the FUCK. Did you just call me?"

"Yurio! It's cute, I just came up with it."

"No."

"But you won't let me call you kotya!"

"NO."

"It's too late I'm doing it! You're officially Yurio now!"

"VICTOR NO."

"Yurio, Yurio, Yuriooooooo~"

"KILL ME NOW."

"No, you have a senior debut next year!"

"Damn you..."

"Finish up, I need coffee and I have none, so we need to stop by the shop on our way to the rink."

Getting ready was a fairly quiet affair, each of them going to separate rooms, getting dressed, gather what they needed for the day. Victor pouted at his near-death phone, mentally and physically face-palming because he forgot to plug it in last night. 

It wasn't until they left that Yuri brought up the thing that had been on Victor's mind.

"Did you decide?"

He didn't need to elaborate. Victor could tell from the silence what it was he meant. 

"I did."

"And?"

"I... I like him, Yuri. I think I really do."

"You're going to tell him that?"

Victor breathed in the cold morning air, let it bite at his lungs before he responded. "I am. I want to give it a shot."

Yuri smirked. "Good. Kat deserves the truth and he deserves your effort."

"Are you shovel-talking me, Yuri-o~?"

"Shut up," Yuri knocked into his shoulder with a smile. "I might be. Just a little bit. I'll let mom give you the big one."

"Got it," Victor laughed as they entered the coffee shop.

*~*~*

_**vitenka:** okay so I thought about it lots last night and i know you're asleep (unless you get up this early??? it's really early tho)_  
_**vitenka:** but u m_  
_**vitenka:** i think i might have a big crush on you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! I know you probably want to yell at me but bear through the notes first?
> 
> Yuri has been officially dubbed Yurio! Yay! I had NO idea when I was going to add that earlier today but it fit in so well!!
> 
> I was screaming my way through writing this because, w e l l, Yuuri and Victor's situation is actually very closely based off of how my gf and I confessed to each other :')) She was Yuuri, confessed first and had to wait for the response. I was Victor, I freaked the fuck out, ran to my friend, asked her to let me think, and then told her the next day! It was beautiful and terrifying but I wouldn't trade it for the world <3 
> 
> You are invited to come scream at me over on [tumblr](https://undadasea.tumblr.com/)!!! Things to scream include, but are not limited to; This fic, my other fics, Yuri on Ice, the Olympics (especially Shoma Uno hot dAMN), your life, your pets, my pets, the list goes on.
> 
> Have a great day!


	13. be my sweetie, be my honey tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One much needed discussion happens, and another one starts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Finally finished this chapter *^*
> 
> I don't think I really have any news for this one??? Wow.
> 
> The chapter title comes from "Drop Dead Beautiful" by Britney Spears ft Sabi! Very upbeat song, not the kindest lyrics, but I love it anyway.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Yuuri stretched, a great yawn coming from his mouth. His back ached and his head kind of hurt but those tended to be the usual side affects of staying up late worrying over things. Something which he had done last night, freaking himself out over every possible scenario that his admitting his crush might have caused. And boy, there were a lot. Including, but not limited to; Vitenka thinking he's a freak, saying he just wants to be friends, disappearing from the chat, everything being awkward, and also vitenka accepting his affections but not returning them, being an ass, revealing his true colors only for them to be bad, so on and so forth. There were too many things that _could_ happen, all Yuuri wanted to know was what _has_ happened.

Of course, that was difficult to know when he had made sure to let his phone charge in the other room so he wouldn't be glancing at it every few seconds. Or, rather, Phichit had made him move his charger to the other room so he wouldn't keep lighting up the room with his phone because, and I quote, "some of us do not like being zombies in class and yes, I know it's not exactly under your control, but damnit Yuuri I want to sleep and I need DARKNESS"

And speaking of the devil, Phichit was still very much asleep if his snores were anything to go by, and that was very not good. Yuuri glanced over at the digital clock and sighed. Phichit should have been up an hour ago, now he's going to complain about how he won't be able to perfect his eyeliner and he'll be forced into public with mediocre makeup and "do you know what a crime it is to humanity for there to be less on-point makeup, Yuuri?"

God, Yuuri loved Phichit, but he could be so fucking extra that sometimes it hurt.

(Literally. Phichit has poked Yuuri's eyes with a pencil eyeliner more times than Yuuri could count on his fingers.)

So he moved over to Phichit's bed in the dark and picked up the glass of water that Phichit always insisted upon putting on his side-table even if he never actually drank it, and promptly dumped it on Phichit's head.

"HOLY FUCKING HELL!" Phichit shrieked, sitting upright in a flash. "What the fuck, Yuuri!?"

"Oh good, you're up." Yuuri smiled innocently and placed the now-empty-glass back down. "Go take a shower, because you're already an hour behind and you aren't missing another class because you're not ready."

"Yes, mother..." Phichit grumbled as he stood up and grabbed an outfit he had laid last night before scrambling past Yuuri to the bathroom, shouting over his shoulder, "There ahad better be breakfast when I'm done!"

"Yeah, yeah," Yuuri waved a hand at him as he moved into the kitchen to begin the task of making eggs and toast for the both of them. He heard the bathroom door open as he finished, sitting down and finally lifting his phone to check his messages as Phichit walked in and sat heavily down infront of his plate. 

Around the food in his mouth, Phichit asked "Any messages from you know who?"

"Uh," Yuuri scrolled his notifications until he found the one he was looking for. "Yup."

"And?"

"And, I'm looking, give it a second to load, jeezum."

_**vitenka:** okay so I thought about it lots last night and i know you're asleep (unless you get up this early??? it's really early tho)_  
_**vitenka:** but u m_  
_**vitenka:** i think i might have a big crush on you_

Now I'm not saying that Yuuri did a full on spittake of his orange juice but- oh wait. No, that's exactly what I'm saying. So Yuuri did a spittake with his orange juice, thankfully having the foresight to turn his head away from his phone to do it, even if it meant he'd have to mop when he finished eating. 

Phichit, meanwhile, had doubled over laughing. "I'll- I'll take th-at as a yess?" He squeezed out through his dying whale noises- I mean laughs. 

"Um. Fuck. Yeah. Yeah he did."

"And?~"

"And he likes me back," Yuuri said, when Phichit calmed down enough to hear him. "Phi, he likes me back. Holy shit. Oh my God."

"Oh shit." Phichit had sobored up at the news. "Well, how are you gonna reply?"

"I don't know!" His fingers hovered over the keyboard for a few seconds before he dropped his head down onto the table. "How do you even reply to that? What now?"

"I suggest you discuss it like the adults you tell me that you are." He felt a nudge against his leg under the table, and looked up to see an encouraging smile on Phichit's face.

Yuuri sighed. "You're right, as always, Phi. What would I do without you?"

"Perish?"

"Probably." Yuuri smiled. "But you do need to go now, you have to walk halfway across campus."

"Now you're right. Love ya, I'll see you at pactice, right?"

"Mhm." Yuuri stood up and kissed Phichit's forehead as his mother had always done to him before he left for school in the mornings back in Japan, back in highschool. It had accidentally become second nature for him to do the same to his friend and at some point Phichit had kind of just accepted it as something that happens and had begun waiting for it before he left, or even moving to Yuuri so that he wouldn't have to move. 

"Have fun at class."

"Not likely! Have fun talking to lover-boy."

"More likely."

He sighed as he heard the door close and turned his attention back to his phone. Okay. No need to freak out, everything is fine. Scenario #48 has happened, or at least Yuuri kind of hopes it's #48, because that's the one where they like each other and date and meet in real life and stay in love and have a happy and healthy relationship. 

Or was that #49? Whatever.

Either way, _something_ has happened and Yuuri should probably respond. It wasn't even as though Yuuri knew he'd be getting an immediate response either, vitenka could be at work or who knows where else. So he would do it. Yup. He'd respond.

_**katsucky:** !!!!!_

That was great. Very responsive.

Yuuri dropped his head onto the table and sighed heavily. He could come up with something better than THAT.

_**katsucky:** that's u m_  
_**katsucky:** that's great!!!!!_

Well. It was better at least. Yuuri went to set his phone down and gt a drink when it buzzed A reply? ALREADY? 

Deep breaths. You can do this, Katsuki. It is just a conversation.

He opened the notification. 

_**vitenka:** (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ _

Yuuri held his breath as he typed out his question. It was important to ask, but that didn't make him any less anxious about it.

_**katsucky:** so I guess that brings up a different question;_  
_**katsucky:** what does this make us now?_  
_**vitenka:** what do you mean?_  
_**katsucky:** well...._  
_**katsucky:** I like you... and you like me...._  
_**katsucky:** does that make us... you know...._  
_**vitenka:** boyfriends?_  
_**katsucky:** yeah_  
_**vitenka:** um i guess it depends_  
_**vitenka:** do you want to us to be boyfriends?_

Not a hard answer. Yuuri felt the blush creep up his cheeks and spread all the way to the tips of his ears. So okay, granted he should have expected something like this to happen. He is the one who started this whole thing, and the one who asked. But that didn't mean he wasn't staring at his phone and looking like the cousin of a tomato.

_**katsucky:** O////O_  
_**katsucky:** I..._  
_**katsucky:** I do...._

Hold your breath, don't freak out, it's okay, he's typing... he's typing...

_**vitenka:** so do i! ^❤^_  
_**vitenka:** so_  
_**vitenka:** katsucky, will you be my boyfriend?_

HOLY.

FUCKING.

**HELL.**

If Yuuri had thought himself a tomato before, he was something entirely different now. A completely new shade of red that would piss of Anish Kapoor, and possibly the biggest smile that has ever been on his face.

This was the first time that Yuuri could remember someone asking him such a serious question like this. It was amazing. Exilerating.

_**katsucky:** I will! ❤_  
_**vitenka:** yay!!_  
_**vitenka:** so it's official!!_  
_**vitenka:** holy crap_  
_**vitenka:** i have a boyfriend now_  
_**katsucky:** ikr??_  
_**katsucky:** bLESS_  
_**vitenka:** ❤O❤_  
_**katsucky:** ❤⃛ヾ(๑❛ ▿ ◠๑ )_  
_**vitenka:** so cute~_  
_**katsucky:** aaaaaaaaa_  
_**vitenka:** youmight as well get used to that, zaichik_  
_**katsucky:** what does that mean?_  
_**vitenka:** i'm planning to compliment you lots!_  
_**katsucky:** asdfg_  
_**katsucky:** uM_  
_**katsucky:** not /exactly/ what I meant_  
_**vitenka:** ????_  
_**katsucky:** zaichik_  
_**katsucky:** you've called me it before but I'm still not sure what it means_  
_**vitenka:** oh!_  
_**vitenka:** it means something like "bunny"_  
_**vitenka:** it's um_  
_**vitenka:** kinda a pet name_  
_**vitenka:** >///<_  
_**katsucky:** oH_

Oh. Yuuri's phone dropped out of his hand, landing on the table with a thud. The blush, which had calmed down some during their chat, came back full force. Vitenka had called him that when he had said goodnight. And... and it was a pet name. Before either of them had admitted having feelings for each other, vitenka had called him a pet name. 

He might be dying, can you die of too much blushing? Yuuri was pretty sure you could. He'd have to do research on it. 

_**vitenka:** now i'm so embarressed omggggggg_  
_**katsucky:** don't be!!!!!_  
_**katsucky:** it's really cute!_  
_**vitenka:** really?_  
_**katsucky:** really ^^_  
_**vitenka:** okie ;^;_  
_**katsucky:** cute~_  
_**vitenka:** ❤_  
_**vitenka:** oh btw!!_  
_**vitenka:** have you told your family that you'll be visiting yet?_

He's been called out, damnit. 

_**katsucky:** ah! not yet_  
_**katsucky:** I probably should soon tho, huh?_

This was, of course, a rehtorical question. Yuuri was completely aware that he should tell his family before competitions start next month. His mom was already expecting a call today, but she was probably not expecting these news. She was going to _flip_.

_**vitenka:** !!!!!!!_  
_**vitenka:** yes!!!!!!_  
_**vitenka:** you should!!!!!_  
_**katsucky:** ok ok ! XD_  
_**katsucky:** I will soon, promise_  
_**katsucky:** I have to caculate time differences and stuff, bleh_

Not exactly true, but still.

_**vitenka:** okay!_  
_**vitenka:** speaking of time, i seem to be out of it ;;;_  
_**vitenka:** my lunch break is over so i have to go_  
_**vitenka:** so i'll talk to you tonight lyubov moya_  
_**katsucky:** ok, have fun at ork!!_  
_**katsucky:** *work_  
_**katsucky:** and what does that one mean??_  
_**vitenka:** "my love" ;)_  
_**katsucky:** o H_  
_**katsucky:** okay_  
_**katsucky:** ❤_

And Yuuri set down his phone, walked over to the couch, and dropped on to it face down. Okay so Phichit? Probably going to give birth to a baby kitten when he got home and finds out about Yuuri having a boyfriend. 

Holy shit he has a boyfriend. 

He might have a kitten, jesus.

Only he can't because their apartment doesn't allow pets. Damnit.

This is fine. Everything is fine. He can do this. 

How does one have an internet relationship though? Welp. Guess he'll find out. Lots of flirting will probably be involved, vitenka himself has already confirmed that he'll be giving out compliments lots. Should Yuuri do that too? It's just... even the thought doesn't feel true to who he is. 

Stay true to who you are. That's the advice most people give, right? Don't change for anyone but yourself. Okay. So he'll be himself. He's been being himself this whole time, and if vitenka likes him, then he likes him for him. And if things don't work out then they don't work out and they'll move past it.

Ugh, his brain hurts from all this critical thinking. 

What time is it? 7:40am. Okay, great. It's about time to call his family anyway, a little earlier. 

Yuuri got up and retreived his laptop from their room, returning to the couch to open it up and seet up Skype. He sat up straight before pressing the call button.

He smiled as the call connected and Mari's face appeared on the screen. She looked a little shocked, but smiled when she saw him. 

"Hi, Yuuri."

"Hi, Mari."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :DDD
> 
> Are y'all happy now? I finished the arc! They are finally together~ But I do have the feeling that you're all going to kill me for the next arc.... ehehehehehehehehe..... oh boy...... any guesses?~
> 
> Next chapter _should_ have some more group chat interaction, but we'll see. 
> 
> Please do come scream at me over on [Tumblr](https://undadasea.tumblr.com) for chapter snippets, inside details, random drabbles, and WIP games!
> 
> Hope you have a great day, I need to go get ready to go see Black Panther tonight!!


	14. turn your head for one second and the tables turn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quite a few conversations are held

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowowow  
> .... been a while, huh? 
> 
> this is so so late I'm sorry ;A; I had LOTS going on and also my computer keeps breaking??? and having cord issues??? and a virus???? which ya know makes me upset but I stole my sister's old laptop until mine is fixed so all's good?? ;u;
> 
> also wow this chapter is almost completely chat stuff. sweet jesus. have fun.
> 
> the chapter title comes from "I'm so sorry" by Imagine Dragons and... I'm gonna go to the end notes to talk more about that sfgsf
> 
> enjoy!!

_**vitenka:** guysguysgUYSGUYS_  
 _ **vitenka:** WHO IS ONLINE RN??_  
 _ **katsucky:** I am_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** me_  
 _ **demon-cat:** oh my goD WHAT DO YOU WANT_  
 _ **whodranktherum:** I'm here too, sorta_  
 _ **vitenka:** well yea kat ik you are_  
 _ **lightafire:** me, kinda_  
 _ **lightafire:** I'm also doing homework tho so not much_  
 _ **whodranktherum:** yea technically I should be working but_  
 _ **lightafire:** which is also kinda why I've been mostly inactive whoops_  
 _ **whodranktherum:** go on_  
 _ **vitenka:** kat can I say it now??_  
 _ **vitenka:** everyone is here_  
 _ **demon-cat:** ????_  
 _ **vitenka:** (to an extent)_  
 _ **katsucky:** yeah go on....._  
 _ **vitenka:** sO guys_  
 _ **lightafire:** LET IT OUT, MAN_  
 _ **vitenka:** I':M GETTING THERE HTNFX_  
 _ **vitenka:** JE SUS _  
_**vitenka:** AS I WAS SAYING_  
 _ **vitenka:** Kat and I ~_  
 _ **vitenka:** are officially dating B)_  
 _ **whodranktherum:** !!!!!!!_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** KAT HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME FIRST?????_  
 _ **demon-cat:** figures lmao_  
 _ **lightafire:** WOWIE GUYS_  
 _ **lightafire:** WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN??_  
 _ **whodranktherum:** what did we miss???_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** MAKING ME FIND OUT VIA GROUP CHAT?????_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** THAT'S WORNG MAN_  
 _ **demon-cat:** w or n g_  
 _ **katsucky:** gfhdfrtg see vit? I told they'd all freak out_  
 _ **lightafire:** ofc we're freaking out this is huge???????????????????_  
 _ **vitenka:** w o w_  
 _ **vitenka:** i mean i believed you and all but this is _  
_**vitenka:** not quite what i was expecting tbh O.o_  
 _ **whodranktherum:** omg so you guys went from strangers to fiances to boyfriends aSfvshb_  
 _ **whodranktherum:** and dc what do you mean you figure??_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** I am much offend, kat_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** and that isn't exactly how that is supposed to progress but alrighty_  
 _ **vitenka:** aefns we did wowow_  
 _ **katsucky:** sorry mooom you know ily_  
 _ **demon-cat:** did you miss that convo??_  
 _ **demon-cat:** me and Vit know each other irl_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** sure you do :^:_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** I cannot beliEVE_  
 _ **whodranktherum:** oh! yea I missed that one ^^:_  
 _ **katsucky:** I do love you I'm sorry sdfxdgh_  
 _ **demon-cat:** I had to listen to him whining about what to say to Kat too_  
 _ **vitenka:** oh my gOD DC DON'T YOU DARE_  
 _ **katsucky:** pls forgive me mom ilysm D":_  
 _ **katsucky:** also dc pls spill the secrets omg_  
 _ **vitenka:** DC NO_  
 _ **demon-cat:** ohoho dc yes_  
 _ **demon-cat:** payback time bitches_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** l a n g u a g e_  
 _ **lightafire:** ooooo juicy gossip~_  
 _ **katsucky:** sp i l l _  
_**hamsteroverlord:** also kat I might be persuaded to forgive you_  
 _ **demon-cat:** ok so like I was at his house watching movies_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** if you let my hamsters run around in the apartment in their little hamster balls _  
_**demon-cat:** and he was screaming bc kat said he liked him and the idiot didn't know how to respnd_  
 _ **vitenka:** dc i swear to fucking god if you do not stop i am going to bitch slap you_  
 _ **vitenka:** ages be damned_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** gOD the language in this place_  
 _ **katsucky:** fine mom I don't need your forgiveness then_  
 _ **katsucky:** also gfbdvxc vit you didn't tell me you ask dc for helps_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** fine I forgive you kat but I'm still letting the hamsters be free damnit_  
 _ **whodranktherum:** waitwait guys_  
 _ **whodranktherum:** do you even know each others names????_  
 _ **vitenka:** ...._  
 _ **katsucky:** ...._  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** .......ik kat's name_  
 _ **lightafire:** lmao whOOSP_  
 _ **demon-cat:** ....._  
 _ **whodranktherum:** sweet jesus, guys_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** weLP_  
 _ **vitenka:** we should p r o b a b l y learn each others names huh??_  
 _ **demon-cat:** like.._  
 _ **demon-cat:** like our REAL names???_  
 _ **demon-cat:** like the ones that people irl call us?????_  
 _ **katsucky:** yea darn-cat those_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** you DO have one don't you?_  
 _ **demon-cat:** fuck oyu_  
 _ **demon-cat:** ofc I have one_  
 _ **vitenka:** well then ig we share them???_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** ig_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** I'll go first??_  
 _ **katsucky:** ya_  
 _ **demon-cat:** um let's only do first names??_  
 _ **demon-cat:** bc don't get me worng ily guys but also Idk if any of you are like_  
 _ **demon-cat:** serial killers or smth_  
 _ **katsucky:** ^^^_  
 _ **katsucky:** sounds like a good plan tbh_  
 _ **vitenka:** agreeable_  
 _ **vitenka:** tho you know i'm not_  
 _ **demon-cat:** do I tho?_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** anYWHO let's begin_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** hello people's whom I've known for much time_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** my name is Phichit Fancy-Ass-Name-That-Only-Kat-Is-Privy-To_  
 _ **katsucky:** accurate_  
 _ **vitenka:** oooo i like it_  
 _ **demon-cat:** wtff how do you even pronounce your name???_  
 _ **katsucky:** it's like...._  
 _ **katsucky:** Peh-shit ig???_  
 _ **katsucky:** only with more of a 'ch' sound it doesn't actually sound like shit_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** wow thanks yuu_  
 _ **vitenka:** yuu?_  
 _ **katsucky:** nickname, you'll see in a sec_  
 _ **demon-cat:** idk how that was supposed to help but thx ig_  
 _ **katsucky:** vit you go next_  
 _ **vitenka:** um ok???_  
 _ **vitenka:** mine is Victor_  
 _ **demon-cat:** *dipshit_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** wowow_  
 _ **katsucky:** v v original name wow I am mush shock_  
 _ **vitenka:** it is not dipshit wtf dc_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** damn kat what is with the savagness???_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** it's literally the same name as your lord and savior_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** and here you are, throwing shade_  
 _ **katsucky:** shut up_  
 _ **katsucky:** if it's the name of two angels then it's automatically amazing_  
 _ **demon-cat:** two???_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** oh god_  
 _ **katsucky:** Victor Nikiforov and vitenk_  
 _ **katsucky:** OOH_  
 _ **katsucky:** OH MY GOD I CANN'T BELIEVE MY SELF_  
 _ **demon-cat:** damn kit-kat, back at it again with the 0 chill_  
 _ **vitenka:** what's up kat????_  
 _ **katsucky:** I JUST REALIZED THAT VITENKA IS A RUSSIAN DIMINUTIVE FOR VICTOR_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** wow_  
 _ **vitenka:** *hysterical laughter*_  
 _ **demon-cat:** *rolls on the floor in agony*_  
 _ **katsucky:** I HATE MYSEFL FFS_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** kat istg you had better noT_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** ANYWAY_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** MOVIE ON_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** *MOVINE_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** FUCKING MOVING*_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** FUCK AUTOCORRECT_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** DC WHAT IS YOUR NAME_  
 _ **demon-cat:** fsgh it's Yuri_  
 _ **vitenka:** Yurioooo_  
 _ **demon-cat:** NO IT ISN'T VICTOR_  
 _ **katsucky:** ohmy gOD_  
 _ **demon-cat:** STOP SPREADING LIES ALREADY_  
 _ **katsucky:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** WOWOW_  
 _ **vitenka:** ???_  
 _ **demon-cat:** wtf kat what's worng with you ???_  
 _ **katsucky:** our names are literally one letter_  
 _ **katsucky:** one._  
 _ **katsucky:** fUCKING._  
 _ **katsucky:** LETTER._  
 _ **katsucky:** off from each oterh_  
 _ **katsucky:** literalluy_  
 _ **katsucky:** y name is Yuuri_  
 _ **katsucky:** with two U's_  
 _ **demon-cat:** ETBJSRLBKKDFNJXCKNDTHBR_  
 _ **katsucky:** and he says I have no chill_  
 _ **demon-cat:** YOU HAVE THE SANME FUCKIJNG NAME AS_   
_**demon-cat:** YUURI CUTESKI_  
 _ **demon-cat:** WOWOWOWOOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** HOLY CRAP HE CALLED HIM YUURI CUTESKI_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** I AM SO USING THAT EVERYWHERE NOW_  
 _ **vitenka:** omg that is such a greta name fdghx_  
 _ **demon-cat:** YES_  
 _ **demon-cat:** SPREAD IT EVERYWHERE_  
 _ **katsucky:** PHICHIT I HAVE TO LIVE WITH YOU_  
 _ **katsucky:** YOU BETTER FUCKING N OT_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** well technically you don't HAve to live with me_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** you could move out_  
 _ **katsucky:** AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA_  
 _ **katsucky:** phi i am a college student_  
 _ **katsucky:** where in the FUCK would I get the money needed to move sdfg_  
 _ **katsucky:** cannot believe you and your wild theories_  
 _ **demon-cat:** wow _  
_**vitenka:** you could come live with me~_  
 _ **katsucky:** aW _  
_**katsucky:** <3_  
 _ **katsucky:** i still think flying to Russia would cost quite a bit tho :::_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** how dARe you try and steal my roomie_  
 _ **katsucky:** but that would be awesome_  
 _ **vitenka:** i have plenty of money dw_  
 _ **vitenka:** i'd buy your ticket_  
 _ **vitenka:** and mom you literally told him to move out i'm_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** your the devil_  
 _ **katsucky:** you're*_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** fuck you also_  
 _ **katsucky:** anYWAY _  
_**katsucky:** /I/ think it was incredibly sweet  <3_  
 _ **vitenka:** YAY_  
 _ **vitenka:** see mom Yuuri thinks i'm sweet _  
_**vitenka:** <3 _  
_**katsucky:** I would smother you with hugs but you're_  
 _ **katsucky:** too far_  
 _ **vitenka:** i send virtual hugs then!!_  
 _ **katsucky:** aaaaaaa  <3<3_  
 _ **demon-cat:** oh my gOD I'm gonna barf you guys are disgu_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** ...._  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** .......dc?_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** ...........Yuri???_  
 _ **katsucky:** oh my god Victor killed him before he could finish_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** rip in pieces Yuri_  
 _ **vitenka:** whoops_  
 _ **katsucky:** phichit you literally_  
 _ **katsucky:** you literally just said "rest in peace in pieces"_  
 _ **vitenka:** w ow _  
_**vitenka:** poetry _  
_**hamsteroverlord:** *bows* _  
_**hamsteroverlord:** i try_  
 _ **vitenka:** *claps*_  
 _ **katsucky:** i cannot beliebe_  
 _ **katsucky:** BELIEBE IN URSELF_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** i swear to fucking god yuuri can i never live that doWN_  
 _ **katsucky:** nope_  
 _ **katsucky:** it will always be brought up_  
 _ **katsucky:** wherever I see fit_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** i'll forever suffer_  
 _ **katsucky:** i'm going to bring it up at graduation_  
 _ **katsucky:** and your wedding_  
 _ **katsucky:** "Phichit, one final piece of advice before I let your lover have their way with you"_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** oh my g od _  
_**katsucky:** "just remember"_  
 _ **katsucky:** "to always bELIEBE IN URSELF"_  
 _ **katsucky:** and i'm going to hold up a giant poster board at that part_  
 _ **katsucky:** and it's gonna have a screenshot of that message_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** istg yurui if you actually have a screenshot of that_  
 _ **katsucky:** i am not sure of who this "yurui" you speak to is_  
 _ **katsucky:** maybe you could introduce us someday_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** yuuri you're dead to me_  
 _ **katsucky:** oh also_  
 _ **katsucky:** notice:_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** ???_  
 _ **katsucky:** victor is gone now_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** oH_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** Yuri came back to life and killed him wtf_  
 _ **katsucky:** or maybe he didn't fully kille yuri in the first place  >.>_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** oh my god you're right_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** Yuri just pretended to be dead \\(*o*)/_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** to trick him_  
 _ **katsucky:** smart kid O >O_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** why in tf are we using these old emoticons??_  
 _ **katsucky:** idk it's fun?_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** ig_  
 _ **katsucky:** and also in that same vain_  
 _ **katsucky:** why are we using the groupchat in the first place?_  
 _ **katsucky:** we are literally sitting next to each other _  
_**katsucky:** and we're the only ones here anyway_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** bc it's fun to blowup everyone else'_  
 _ **hamsteroverlord:** else's phones?_

Phichit stretched, groaning as his back popped and rearranging himself to rest his feet on Yuuri's lap. "You stopped responding to me." He pouted.

"That's because we are literally right next to each other, Phichit," laughed Yuuri, shoving his friend's feet off of him so he could stand and stretch out his back some more. "And I'm pretty sure that they don't want us to blow up their phone with silly banter we could just say out loud to each other."

Phichit threw a pillow at Yuuri with almost no actual force. "Killjoy."

"Hey, at least I'm a killjoy who is good at cooking. What do you want to eat?"

He let out a long suffering whine. "Not that I don't love your food, Yuuri, because yo know I do. Buuuuuut I'm tired of eating the healthy stuff."

Yuuri chuckled. "We're only allowed to eat the healthy stuff. Ciao Ciao would kill us otherwise. Me especially. Do you want me dead? No? I didn't think so."

"But Yuuri," Phichit leaned forward as if he was about to share the secret to his father's amazing curry. Ha, not likely. "One cheat day won't kill us, will it? Especially if Ciao Ciao doesn't know. And it's not like I'm saying we order three of every dessert, as tempting as it is. Just some take out. Pleeeeaaaaassse. I need grease, Yuuri!"

One well-deserved flick to the forehead later, Phichit called the nearest Pizza place and ordered a regular pepperoni pizza. "You're paying for it," Yuuri sighed with a fond smile. "I've got to save my money anyway." He grumbled to himself after, not quite quiet enough that the Thai man didn't hear what he said.

"What was that?" Phichit quirked his head to the side. Of course Yuuri has to save his money, they always do. But judging by the way Yuuri's eyes widened and he blushed a bit, Phichit assumed this wasn't the general 'need to save for food because I'm a college student' thing. This was something he had not been told yet.

"Yuuri, what is it?"

His friend sighed. "I was talking to Mari the other night, and my parents came in and we all talked for a while and then Vicchan popped into frame and he barked and Phichit I swear to God he was smiling-"

"You're rambling Yuuri. Is this leading where I think this is leading?"

Yuuri looked at his feet before he smiled meekly and nodded. "I'm going back home." Phichit gasped. "Not right now! Not yet." Yuuri was quick to reassure, waving his hands frantically in front of himself. "After the NHK, before the Final if I make it."

"When, but go on. Why this sudden decision?"

He hummed. "It's not really that sudden, actually. I've kind of been thinking about it for a while? You know how homesick I've been, Phi. I miss m family and I miss my home and I miss my dog. And Vitenka thought it was a good idea..."

"Oh?" Phichit giggled. "Vitenka did, did he?"

Yuuri flushed. "Um.. yeah. I kind of spoke to him about it a while ago? Ahaha..."

Phichit placed a scandalized hand to his chest. "You told him before me! I cannot believe you would betray me, twice in one day!"

"Shut up, drama queen," Yuuri laughed, nudging him with his shoulder. "But seriously. I'm gonna spend a few days there. Are you cool with that?"

"Of course I am, Yuu." He smiled. "Why wouldn't I be cool with that? You haven't seen them in years! Go get yourself some puppy love!"

"It's not for a while, Phi." Yuuri hugged him, a quiet 'thank you' falling from his lips and Phichit was about to assure him that the thanks wasn't necessary when both of their phones buzzed at the same time.

They pulled back and looked at each other for a second, two sets of eyebrows furrowed before they moved over to their phones to check.

_**vitenka:** Guys._

Phichit frowned and looked up at Yuuri, who was still looking down at his own device with a small frown of his own. "Yuuri, he doesn't ever use proper capitalization. Or periods."

"I know..."

"Something happened. Something serious."

_**hamsteroverlord:** what's up???_   
_**katsucky:** is everything okay?????_   
_**vitenka:** Not really._   
_**vitenka:** Yuri's grandpa is in the hospital._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah "I'm so sorry" was my mantra writing the end of this chapter so I'm so glad I found a lyric that went with the chapter ahahaha pls don't kill me, you won't see what happens next :'D 
> 
> do feel free to scream at me tho it makes me smile and it gives me motivation
> 
> here is my [tumblr](https://undadasea.tumblr.com) you can also scream at me there. you are being invited. do it.
> 
>  
> 
> ~~also if you were to draw me fanart I would sell you my soul jsyk~~


	15. the clock is ticking, so stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri's grandpa is in the hospital, but why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh I'm so sorry!~ I really didn't mean to make y'all wait so long ^^; but it's finally here! ~~not that this chapter helps clear anything up~~
> 
> I wrote a drabble [here](https://undadasea.tumblr.com/post/172494571632/tbjae-dont-get-me-started) if you want to read some silliness before or after this chapter (you might need it :)))
> 
> Not many notes wow! 
> 
> The chapter title comes from "Stay" by Alessia Cara and Zedd
> 
> Enjoy~

_**demon-cat:** oh my gOD I'm gonna barf you guys are disgu_

Yuri's message sent automatically as his phone began to ring with an unknown number. For a second, he considered ignoring it, but his curiousity got the better of him.

"Hello?"

"Hello is this... Yura?"

"Yuri, yes. Who is this?"

"This is the Saint Petersburg Police at station number 76." Yuri's breath hitched. That.. That doesn't sound good. "Do you know a Nikolai Plisetsky?" That REALLY doesn't sound good.

"Um," Yuri sat up from his spot on the couch, planting his feet on the ground as he tried to keep his voice steady. "Yes. Yes, he's my grandfather. What happened?"

"Yuri," The voice on the other end sounded a little more sympathetic. "Your grandfather was found by passerby in Mytninskiey Sad with rapid breathing and mild confusion. They called an ambulance and he was taken to Медси Medical Center, where the doctors have begun to look for what's wrong with him."

By this point, Yuri had stopped breathing, and he was pretty certain his heart had stopped beating in his chest. 

"The hospital gave us his phone and asked for us to see if we could find any friends or family. Can you contact the rest of your family?" Yuri nodded dumbly before realizing they couldn't see him. He quietly confirmed. "Okay. Do you have a way to get to him?" Another affirmation. "Alright. I wish you the best, Yuri." And like that, the phone was hung up, and tears began to fall.

His grandpa... is in the hospital. What were the symptoms they said? Rapid breathing and mild confusion. That is bad, really bad. He had to get there.

Yuri stared down at his phone, thinking of who he could call, who would be there the fastest. Yakov was a possibility, but he lived a good drive away. Victor however... Victor lived closer. 

So with shking hands, he found Victor's contact and hit _call_.

"Yuri? Why are you calling me so late?"

"V-Victor-" And god, he hated how his voice cracked. "-I need you to come get me."

There was a shuffle on the line and suddenly Victor sounded a lot more serious. "What's wrong? What's going on? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I'm o-okay. But-But my grandpa is in the h-hospital." Yuri swiped furiously at his face, trying to stop the damn tears that are making speaking so _fucking hard._ "Please, Victor."

"Alright." Another shuffle, Yuri could hear Victor talking softly to his dog for a minute, soft coos of "hush Makka, not now, okay?" before he was back on the line. "Alright. Are you at your house?" Yes. "Which hospital?" Медси. "Stay on the line with me, okay? I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Okay." 

"Take a few deep breaths, okay Yura?" He took a few breaths, listening to the sound of keys hitting each other, an engine starting. "You'll see him soon, okay?" 

"Thank you, Victor.." Finally, the tears stopped, leaving Yuri to try and dry his face some. The call stays mostly silent, only the sounds of Victor's car and Yuri's sniffling breaking the quiet for a few minutes. Then-

"I'm outside, Yura. Come on." And Yuri hung up the phone, slipping on his shoes and running out the door, down to Victor's car and hopping into the front seat. Victor shoots him a glance, but he doesn't say anything as he pulls out into the road again.

Ten minutes of tense silence as the drove to the hospital. Victor swore when there weren't any open parking spots right next to the entrance, and it was a strange thing, hearing Victor swear. He only did it rarely out loud, even less in front of Yuri himself.

... He really must be losing it if, at a time like this, THAT is what he chooses to focus on.

When they finally find a spot, Yuri is out of the car before Victor can even turn it off and he immediately starts to make his way to the entrance. _Victor is a little ways behind, but he as long legs. He'll catch up._ Yuri doesn't stop, or slow his pace. He barely checks for traffic before crossing the road, and makes his way inside as fast as he can.

At this point, Victor had indeed caught up, his height making it quite easy. The older man strode up to the front desk to speak to the nurse sitting there,and Yuri stood behind him, barely listening. Something about his grandpa, visiting, emergencies. And then Victor's hand was on his shoulder, and a tense smile was on his lips. 

"Follow the nurse, Yura." 

They walked for a minute or two before the nurse stopped and pulled open a curtain. "He's in here." He said. "If something starts to happen, press that button, okay?"

"Yes, thank you." Victor said and smiled at the nurse, but at that point Yuri had already seen his grandpa, and moved over to his bedside.

"Yuratchka." Yuri smiled at his grandpa, who was smiling weakly up at him.

"Dedushka, are you okay?" Yuri asked.

Nikolai raised a hand to Yuri's cheek gently. "I'm fine. You look like you've been crying." 

Yuri laughed a little. "That happens when you get told your grandpa is hurt." At that, Nikolai's expression turned grim, and Yuri's laughter died. "What's wrong?"

"Yuratchka, sit down for a moment." Yuri looked behind himself, grabbing the chair that Victor offered him, bringing it closer and sitting. "You know I'm not going to live forever, right?"

Oh. That was a blow. Yuri felt all of the air rush out of his lungs for the second time that day. 

"I want you to be prepared for when I'm gone. When one of these hospital visits doesn't go so well." Nikolai continued, seemingly oblivious to the turmoil Yuri's thoughts were drowning in. "You're so strong, Yuratchka. I don't want you to ever lose that. You've been shouldering the weight of this family for so long already, and you're still a boy. You're going to do great things. I don't want you to be weighed down even further by worrying over me, too."

"I'm your grandson, that's what I do." 

"I know," Nikolai chuckled. "I just want to be sure that you'll still smile when I'm gone." Yuri nodded.

"I will. I promise."

They smiled at each other for a minute. Eventually, Nikolai pulled away again to cough, but he turned back.

"I'm so proud of you, Yuratchka. I hope you know that."

"I do."

"You're very strong, for such a small boy." Nikolai joked, poking Yuri in the stomach where he knew his grandson to be ticklish. Yuri laughed quietly, looking down and that's when he noticed a bandage around his grandpa's arm.

"What happened to your arm?"

Raising his arm a little to take a look himself, Nikolai just shrugged. "I must have scratched it and the nurses noticed and wrapped it up. It's fine, whatever happened. It doesn't hurt." 

Yuri frowned at the bandage for a moment longer before turning back to his grandpa's face with a smile. "I landed a quad in practice!"

"Oh! That's great!" Nikolai grins, but the monitors behind Yuri start beeping frantically. He turns his head to look at them, and then back to his grandpa, only to see his eyes closed and his body limp. 

"Dedushka??" Yuri yelled, reaching forward to gently shake him. "Dedushka!"

"Yuri!" He heard Victor yell, and then felt arms wrap around his waist and pull him back. In the corner of his vision he saw nurses start rushing in, and he figure Victor probably hit the button, but right now his only focus was Nikolai.

Something was very wrong. He had said he was fine. He had _lied_. This isn't fine. He's unconcious and his heartrate is way too fast and _why was he getting further away-_

"Victor let me go!" Yuri began to struggle against Victor's grip. "He needs me!" Trying his hardest to break free, he swung an arm back and felt it connect. 

"Yura!" Victor dropped him and he landed on his ass. Victor had staggered back, a hand to his jaw, eyes wide, and Yuri stopped moving. 

"I'm sorry Victor, I-" He shut up when Victor waved a hand, coming closer again and kneeling in front of him.

"It's fine. But Yura, you can't be in there right now. You'll get in the way."

And that did it. With a defeated slump of his shoulders, Yuri felt the tears begin to fall again, only this time he wasn't alone, couldn't hide them.

He surged forward, wrapping his arms around Victor's neck and crying into his shoulder. He felt so weak, damnit. He was supposed to be strong, fierce. And here he was, bawling like a baby.

But he had never felt so young in his life as he did when Victor stood up, carrying him over to the chairs. He pried himself off when he felt the seat under him and returned to quietly sniffling and wiping away his tears. 

His grandpa would be okay. He had to be. Because for all Nikolai talked about how Yuri was strong, he wasn't. He couldn't control his emotions, couldn't protect his family. As he had said, he's still just a boy. 

A reminder of how little he could control his emotions was evident in the way Victor was holding his jaw in the seat next to him. Yuri lifted his head and watched as a nurse came over with a wet paper towel and a bandage, and applied it to Victor's lip, which probably bust when Yuri hit him.

Well now he feels like an ass.

"I'm sorry..." He mumbled when the nurse walked away. Victor turned to look at him with a sad half smile. 

"I'm okay, Yura." Victor said quietly. "I know you didn't mean it. I probably could've handled that better too, right?"

Yuri just nodded, looking back to his lap and fiddling with his fingers. "Still." He said again, after a minute. "People are going to ask what happened."

"You don't want your grandpa in the limelight, right?" Victor asked. Yuri nodded again. "Then I'll tell them I fell during practice." 

Yuri gasped and turned to look at him again. He said ti so plainly, as if he fell all the time. Honestly, that'll probably cause a scandal of it's own. 

"Victor, you're the living legend of figure skating. You know if you tell them you fell, then people are going to wonder if you're retiring."

"Well," Victor smiled dryly. "They already do that, don't they? A small fall like that wouldn't end my career, anyway. Anyone can trip on a groove in the ice, or fall out of a jump." He waved a hand, as if brushing off the topic. "I told Kat and Mom already about your grandpa. So at the very least, they won't suspect anything, right?"

A snort of laughter, but it was anything but humorous. "I guess."

"You should probably let them know more though, they're freaking out."

Yuri waved a hand casually, as if he wasn't still falling apart. "Yeah. That'd probably be good." He reached in his pocket only to discover it empty. "Oh shit."

"Hm?" Victor questioned distractedly. 

"Gimme your phone, I left mine at home." Surprisingly, Victor offered it to him without a fuss. The app was already open, too. He read back a little on the conversation before typing his message. 

_**katsucky:** what happened???_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** is yuri ok????????_  
_**vitenka:** he's shaken_  
_**katsucky:** oh nooo_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** omg yuri _  
_**katsucky:** i;m sure he'll be fine_  
_**katsucky:** right??_  
_**katsucky:** how serious is it??_  
_**katsucky:** do you know???_  
_**vitenka:** hey guys, it's dc. i left my phone at my house so i've stolen victor's. they don't know what it is yet, but i think it's serious bc he passed out and his heartrate went up. i'm rlly worried..._  
_**hamsteroverlord:** hey dc!! pls don't freak out_  
_**katsucky:** it could be a lot of things, many that aren't that serious_  
_**katsucky:** you're grandpa is going to be fine, ok?_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** you've got vit with you right??_  
_**vitenka:** yea_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** so lean on him for support_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** especially if you're shaken like he said_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** friends are the best supprto_  
_**katsucky:** and we're here for you too_  
_**katsucky:** you aren't alone <3_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** <3_  
_**vitenka:**...._  
_**vitenka:** <3_

The doctor came out then, and Yuri and Victor's heads snapped up. 

"Mr. Plisetsky?" Yuri stood and walked over to her.

"That's me. Is my grandpa going to be okay?"

She took a deep breath, and smiled slightly. "Your grandpa has sepsis."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's only one more chapter in this arc, so the conclusion is next! What happen's to Nikolai???
> 
> Come scream at me on [tumblr](https://undadasea.tumblr.com)!!


	16. between the sinners and the saints

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nikolai's diagnoses and lots of chatroom discussions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~ahahaha I hope this lives up to expectations~~
> 
> I really wanted to finish this and post it before Hell Weekend began (aka 4 performance in 3 days) and I sorta did since tonight is performance #1! So yay ig!
> 
> And FINALLY we see what is happening with Nikolai!! I'm sorry for dragging this out so long tbh I didn't mean to, but your comments kept me going ^^
> 
> Today's chapter title comes from "Wait for it" from Hamilton: An American Musical!   
> I wanted to use the full lyric but it was too long so the extended chapter title is actually "Death doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints" 
> 
> Anywho, I hope you all enjoy!

"Sepsis? What's sepsis?!" Yuri took a deep breath, or at least he tried to but he found it was a lot harder than he was used to. 

The doctor gave him a sad smile, placating as if he was just a stupid kid. It made Yuri's blood boil. "Sepsis is a bacterial infection. It can occur when a wound doesn't get proper care, the bacteria gets into the bloodstream and can cause many symptoms including increase or decrease in heartrate, low levels of conciousness, and fatigue."

Yuri felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Victor standing behind him. "Is it fatal?" Victor asked, taking control as he was wont to do. Usually it would piss Yuri off, but at the moment he found that he couldn't really be mad at Victor. For once. How strange.

"It can be," the doctor continued. "If it's left untreated for too long, the damage can be irreparable and fatal." Yuri felt tears sting at his eyes.

"Is he going to be okay?" He heard himself whimper, staring at the ground. Another hand rested on his other shoulder, falling when he lifted his head to see the doctor smiling.

"He will be. Thankfully, the sepsis hasn't caused any bad damage. He's going to be on anti-biotics for a long while, but he should make a full recovery."

The tears that fell this time weren't of sadness or fear, but complete joy at her words. His grandpa would be okay. He was going to make it. 

Turning quickly, he buried his face in Victor's chest to hide the tears that had begun to fall. A hesitant hand patted his head as he clutched to Victor's jacket. 

He would have to remind Victor to never talk about this day. At all. 

*~*~*

Later, when Yuri was back home, his grandpa still at the hospital not yet discharged, he picked up his discarded phone and unlocked it, opening up the groupchat to give them an update if Victor hadn't yet.

**_demon-cat:_ ** _my grandpa is ok_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _or well_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _he will be_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _!!!!!_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _THATS GREAT OGM_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _what happened with him????_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _he had a disease called sepsis???_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _but the doctor said after a lot of antibiotics he'd be ok_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _that's awesome yuri!_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _i'm so glad he's going to be ok_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _me too_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _thank you guiys for takling to me about it before_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _np!!_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _anytime, dc_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _like we said_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _we're here for you_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _i appreciate it_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _ <3<3<3_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _oK LIGHTER SUBJECT TIME_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _BC IT'S BEEN REALLY DARK_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _anything happening with ou guys???_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _aCTUALLTY YES_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _YUURI GO ON_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _TELL THEM_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _shut up peach_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _ok fine_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _????????????????????????????????????_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _i'm going to see the NHK and after i'm going to visit my home ^^_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _OMG KAT_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _!!!!!!_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _that's amazing!!!!_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _both about seeing the nhk and seeing your family again_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _yeah_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _it's been WAY too long_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _i'll say_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _i wonder if your sis left your Victor Nikiforov postersup in your room :p_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _PHICHIT I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _omg posterS???_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _yup!_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _SHUT UP_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _he has severall up here too_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _S H U T U P_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _NEVER_   
**_vitenka:_ ** _omg_   
**_vitenka:_ ** _yuuri_   
**_vitenka:_ ** _you have nikiforov posters?????_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _i'm going to crawl under a rock and die now_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _i leave everything to my dog_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _;A;_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _nope you get nothing_   
**_vitenka:_ ** _not even me?? TToTT_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _...._   
**_katsucky:_ ** _no_   
**_vitenka:_ ** _D:_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _yuri you can have one thing_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _ha_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _i'm special_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _what do i get_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _idk yet we'll see_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _a very well thought out will, obviously_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _for tht i'm taking smth of yours to my grave_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _YOU HAD BETTER NOT TOUCH MY HAMSERTS_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _i'm taking ur amsters_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _I MIGHT ACTUALLY MURDER YOU_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _I'LL ALREADY BE DEAD, BITCH, TRY ME_   
**_vitenka:_ ** _so violent in here wow O.o_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _once again, there is no chull in this room_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _YOU WANT TO GO THERE HIUH???_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _THE ONLY CRUSH YUURI HAS EVER HAD_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _omg wait_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _nO PHICHT_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _WAS VICTOR NIKIFOROV_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _and vit but that's recent_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _YEP YOUR DEAD_   
**_vitenka:_ ** _fgbhjkoiutyhtbgdrvfcvbrt53n4ynegrf_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _i'm fucking cackling_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _EVERYONE SAY BYE TO MOM HE'S NEVER COMING BACK_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _this is too good_

Yuri rolled over on his bed, snickering into his palm. Of course, Yuuri's only crush aside from Victor is, well, VICTOR. That's hilarious. His phone dings again, this time with a text.

**_old man #2:_ ** _oml yuri_   
**_old man #2:_ ** _i'm dying_   
**_old man #2:_ ** _i'm competeing with myself for his affections_   
**_yuri(me):_ ** _ik it's killing me_   
**_yuri(me):_ ** _who would think you'd be your own worst enemy?_   
**_old man #2:_ ** _can you be elieve_   
**_yuri(me):_ ** _no i can't :')_

With an amused sigh, Yuri dropped his arm off the side of the bed. Leave it to these dorks to make him smile after such a stressful day.

But his grandpa would be okay. He _would_. Yuri refused to accept anything else. He felt his eyes sting with tears again and took a deep breath. He had cried enough. Heck, Victor saw him cry, even. Why wouldn't the tears just stop?

A sniffle was the only sound in the room. The quiet was starting to feel eerie in a way it never did. Yuri pushed himself into a sitting position and looked at his phone with a thought. 

He unlocked it again and began to type.

_**Private message between ; demon-cat & katsucky** _   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _...hey yuuri?_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _hey yuri!_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _what's up?_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _u m..._   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _you said you'd be here for me so_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _how do i mak myself stop crying?_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _woww_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _that's quite the question_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _uhm_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _i would say don't_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _just let yourself cry_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _and drink lots and lots of water so you won't get dehydrated_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _why tf_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _kit-kat i don't WANT TO CRY_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _ik ik_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _what kind of crap adviece_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _listen to me though_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _..._   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _fine._   
**_katsucky:_ ** _i don't like crying either. it makes me feel weak, which then sends me into a downward spiral._   
**_katsucky:_ ** _but fighting the the tears is just difficult all over and bad for your health._   
**_katsucky:_ ** _tears happen bc of such an excess of emotion that your body doesn't know what to do, so it releases some of the hormones through tears._   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _i_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _i didn't know that_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _yup_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _so cry if you feel tears coming_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _and if you are uncomfortable with people seeing you cry then go somewhere secluded_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _and splash your face with cold/warm water after to decrease the puffiness_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _okay?_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _ok...._   
**_katsucky:_ ** _but don't ever be ashamed of crying, yuri._   
**_katsucky:_ ** _everyone does it, even the toughest out there_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _Victor Nikiforov does it._   
**_katsucky:_ ** _Katsuki Yuuri does it._   
**_katsucky:_ ** _heck, i bet even Mr Feltsman does._   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _ha, that one is the most unbelievable tbh_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _yea that one is far fetched_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _but the other two!!!_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _thats something coming from you_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _saying that Nikiforov has any type of a weakness_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _lmao yeah_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _thanks kit-kat_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _always, darn-cat_

Yuri laid back again, not finding the silence as daunting as before. Damn, if Yuuri didn't have a way of making him feel better.

Speaking of Yuuri's making him fee better...

He raised his phone and opened Youtube, typing "yuuri katsuki" into the search bar and looking for his favourite video. It wasn't one where Katsuki was in costume, not one from a competition. Instead it was one that Katsuki's friend whats-his-name had caught during a practice. 

Yuuri looked serene in it. He was practicing what Yuri believed to be his short program this year, and it was so amazing...

As the video ended, an incoming message appeared at the top of his screen from Victor.

**_old man #2:_ ** _yuuuuriiiiiiiii_   
**_old man #2:_ ** _come to the group chat they're roasting me!_   
**_yuri(me):_ ** _you sure that's a good plan??_   
**_yuri(me):_ ** _i'm prob just gonna roast you too_   
**_old man #2:_ ** _oh damn_   
**_old man #2:_ ** _shit_   
**_old man #2:_ ** _wait_   
**_old man #2:_ ** _nEVER MIND STAY OUT OF THE CHAT_   
**_yuri(me):_ ** _too late demon you invited me!!_

With a laugh and while ignoring Victor's oncoming messages begging for him to 'stop, no, please don't', he opened the group chat back up and looked back on a few messages.

**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _i mean Nikiforov is great and all right?_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _but is his hair REALLY that color??_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _unlikely._   
**_lightafire:_ ** _ikr???? like boi_   
**_lightafire:_ ** _is it ok to bleach ur hair that much???_   
**_vitenka:_ ** _snow!! are you just gonna let this continue??_   
**_whodranktherum:_ ** _It seems playful to me, so yes. They aren't actually bashing Nikiforov._   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _victor pls_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _we are simply speaking the utter truth_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _i'ms acutyhlly dying_   
**_lightafire:_ ** _and lbr hon_   
**_lightafire:_ ** _Katsuki could skate circles around Nikiforov_   
**_lightafire:_ ** _heck /I/ could skate circles aroiund him ;)_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _i'm dying i love this conversation_   
**_vitenka:_ ** _YURA NO_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _Y UR A Y ES_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _YURA YES_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _YURA Y E S_   
**_lightafire:_ ** _YURA YESSSS_   
**_vitenka:_ ** _TToTT_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _i thought Victor wasn't your favourite skater anyway Vit_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _why so defensive now??_   
**_vitenka:_ ** _HE IS MY COUNTRYMAN_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _hahaha bullshit_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _admit it_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _you have a crush on him, just like kat_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _i'm actually going to die laughing_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _a good way to go at least_   
**_vitenka:_ ** _i dO NOT WTFFF_   
**_vitenka:_ ** _HAHAHA HOW SILLY_   
**_vitenka:_ ** _THAT YOU THINK I WOULD DO THAT_   
**_vitenka:_ ** _NOPE_   
**_vitenka:_ ** _NOPETY_   
**_vitenka:_ ** _KAT IS MY ONLY LOVE_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _...._   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _........._   
**_lightafire:_ ** _.............._   
**_whodranktherum:_ ** _........................_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _oh myg OD_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _VICTOR THAT WAS SO SWEET_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _KEEP IT IN DMSSS_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _oh i will~ ;)_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _KAT THAT SOUNDED DIRTY_   
**_lightafire:_ ** _there r kids!_   
**_vitenka:_ ** _oh my! ;D_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _how do you think i meant it, phi? 0:-D_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _oh my fucking god_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _i have created a monster_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _moOM FIX IT_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _I AM LIKE 2 YEARS OLD_   
**_whodranktherum:_ ** _Oh my God, Kat._   
**_whodranktherum:_ ** _Get a room._   
**_katsucky:_ ** _;)))_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _S T A H P_   
**_vitenka:_ ** _oh boy i think my face is gonna light my bed on fire_   
**_vitenka:_ ** _what has gotten into you today, my love???_   
**_hamsteroverlord:_ ** _trust me he isn't any better irl_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _i'm in a gooooooooooooooood mood_   
**_vitenka:_ ** _i'll say >_>_   
**_lightafire:_ ** _such amaze much wow_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _i'm... i'm out_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _i cannot dEAL_   
**_katsucky:_ ** _why? :o_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _WITH YOU LIKE THIS_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _GOODNIGHT_   
**_vitenka:_ ** _it's past your bedtime anyway, isn;t it??? ;)_   
**_demon-cat:_ ** _i will kill you while you sleep, victor, and don't think i won't._   
**_katsucky:_ ** _i'm sorry ;A;_   
_**demon-cat has signed off** _

He dropped his phone on the side table and huffed. Even as frustrating as his friends are, he was smiling and the tears weren't pressing against his eyes anymore, which made him smile a bit more. 

He pressed the heel of his palm into his eyes. Yes, today had ended up a lot better than it had started. And given all that had happened, he figured he'd be more tired, but really, he was the opposite. He felt ready to go. 

So he did what any teenager would do when left home alone at night.

He put his music on as loud as it could go and he danced. 

After pushing all of his furniture to the edges of the room. Yuri had never had a coherent dancing style, and his taste in music was wide, but that didn't stop him. Yakov had made him take ballet, and even Victor said it would help, but Yuri still wasn't a big fan of it.

Too much discipline. 

Like this he could just breathe and let go. Let out his emotions here when he couldn't get to the rink. Of course, he could never make money dancing like this so even if he wanted to it wasn't an option, not with skating and all it's sponsorships. 

Way too much thinking. 

Yuri danced until his breaths were coming hard and his limbs were getting tired. He shut off his music and fell onto his bed, finally letting his eyes slide shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To make up for all the angst, the next chapter or the next few should be relatively fluffy! And those Grand Prix Qualifiers are coming up ;))
> 
> Come scream at me on [Tumblr](https://undadasea.tumblr.com)!! I am currently accepting prompts both for unrelated drabbles and for TBJAE conversations!  
> I'm also a part of the Viktuurificwriters discord server and it's a blast ;3


	17. you can't fight the friction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri is feeling the pressure. He has to ease it off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey how are y'all lmaoooooooooooo
> 
> i swear i'm still alive! just kin d a busy af for a long while. i'm not gonna bore you with the details but let's just say that ya girl is finally free of highschool!!!
> 
> anywho, i reread the first few chapters of this fic and u h i am so sorry for the inconsistency!!!! like Sweet Jesus!!! i'm gonna try and pull a few things back together, but if i can't do that then I'll go back and edit the earlier chapters. not enough to affect any of the story, just enough for something a lil more cohesive.
> 
> also! this fic is almost at 10,000 hits!!!!!!!!!!!! wtf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm honestly SO SHOCKED that I've got so many hits??????? thank you all so fucking much?????? bless u <3
> 
> ok i think that's it?? the chapter title comes from "Friciton" by Imagine Dragons!  
> I hope you enjoy!!

The day did not start out well. 

Well, that was an understatement, honestly.

The day started out _awful_. 

He woke up with a headache, for one. He had to go to class early, he had practice after that, where he messed up on almost every jump, and to top it all off, the whole time he was shaking with anxiety.

No, Yuuri was not having a good day. 

It was to be expected, however. Or at least he expected it. He and Celestino had tickets to fly out in a few days to go to Skate America, the first of the Grand Prix qualifiers and Yuuri's first competition.

So today Yuuri's anxiety was ramped up. His leg bounced as he sat on the couch taking a few deep breaths. Phichit had decided to hang out with a few of his other friends tonight, going out to see some movie about superheroes that Phichit had been crying over for the past few days. 

It was late, probably later than he would be online, but Yuuri was bored, anxious, and in desperate need of someone to talk to. So he opened up the chat with hopes that he was online.

_**Private message between ; katsucky & vitenka** _   
_**katsucky:** um hey, victor? are you awake?_   
_**vitenka:** fgh sortaaa_   
_**katsucky:** if you're sleeping it's fine!! you should sleep!!_   
_**vitenka:** no it's fiine_   
_**vitenka:** i needed to get up soon anyrway_   
_**vitenka:** whats up??_   
_**katsucky:** ok... if you say so..._   
_**katsucky:** i'm just... i've been having a bad day all day and wanted to talk to you ^^;_   
_**vitenka:** daaaaawwwww!!!!!!!!_   
_**vitenka:** youre so cute!!!!!!_   
_**vitenka:** i'm always here for you to tlak <3<3_   
_**katsucky:** are you sure you're awake??_   
_**vitenka:** ppositiv e!_   
_**katsucky:** alriiiight XD_   
_**vitenka:** what do you want to talk about, my darling?_   
_**katsucky:** u m anything??_   
_**katsucky:** i just have this really big event coming up and i'm SUPER nervous_   
_**vitenka:** oh no_   
_**vitenka:** my poor yuuri_   
_**vitenka:** nerves are never fun_   
_**katsucky:** you don't seem like the type of person who EVER gets nervous_   
_**vitenka:** i used to get nervous about everything, but you're right that i don't get so nervous anymore_   
_**katsucky:** how did you manage that?_   
_**vitenka:** idk, i guess i just got over my biggest fears. once i did that, nothing seemed to be as frightening, because i had already faced the scariest thing i knew._   
_**katsucky:** oh... that makes sense i guess.._   
_**vitenka:** this thing that's coming up, is it like that? the scariest thing you've ever faced?_   
_**katsucky:** kind of? i've faced it before and failed, and there's something even more scary if i succeed. but also... it's worth it to try, because once i face the last thing, the reward will be amazing_   
_**vitenka:** so, the only way to get that reward and the only way to get over the fear is to turn and face it and push through!_   
_**katsucky:** but what if i fail?_   
_**vitenka:** what IF you fail?_   
_**katsucky:** like i said, i've failed before. failing again would hurt my family, it would hurt my friends, and it would crush me. i don't know if i could continue after that._   
_**vitenka:** hey, just because you fall doesn'tmean you don't get right back up,yeah? like the figure skaters we both admire. they all fall, in practice, even in competition. you are just as strong as every one of them. ignore one scrapped knee and keep going._   
_**katsucky:** thanks.. i'll try and keep that in mind..._   
_**vitenka:** what am i here for, yeah? gotta give you that good old motivation!_   
_**katsucky:** yeah c:_   
_**katsucky:** aNYWAY_   
_**katsucky:** what's up with you, моя любовь?(?? i hope i said that right)_   
_**vitenka:** FRDLIUKHCJGWEYGAJSEHRKGHKL_   
_**vitenka:** OH MY FUCKING GOD_   
_**vitenka:** I'M DEAD NOW_   
_**vitenka:** I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH_   
_**katsucky:** dftgh i didn't expect that reaction WOW_   
_**vitenka:** YOU_   
_**vitenka:** SPOKE_   
_**vitenka:** RUSSIAN_   
_**vitenka:** MY NA T I VE LAN GU A G E_   
_**vitenka:** AND SOMEHOW EXPECTED ME N O T TO REACT THIS WAY???????_   
_**katsucky:** uhh yeah? _   
_**vitenka:** UNDERSTATMENT OF THE YEAR, YUURI_   
_**vitenka:** I REACTED VIOLENTLY_   
_**katsucky:** I NOTICED, DEAR LORD_   
_**vitenka:** ok i've calmed down_   
_**vitenka:** i mean not rEALLY_   
_**vitenka:** but i'm calmER now_   
_**katsucky:** okay XD my original question still stands though, what's up?_   
_**vitenka:** i'm good, no worries! i'm eating breakfast!!_   
_**vitenka:** lemme just-_   
_**vitenka has sent a picture** _   
_**vitenka:** tadaa!! _   
_**vitenka:** that's what it looked like before i began to devour it_   
_**katsucky:** do you make a habit of documenting everything you eat??_   
_**vitenka:** yup! since i'm so forgetful, my nutritionist told me to take pictures of everything i eat because i'm less likely to forget to take a picture than i am to write it down_   
_**katsucky:** why??_   
_**vitenka:** i love taking pictures!! aside from skating, it's one of my few passions_   
_**katsucky:** you skate too????_   
_**vitenka:** uHH_   
_**vitenka:** iF I SAY NO WOULD YOU BELIEVE ME??_   
_**katsucky:** no_   
_**vitenka:** then fine, yes, i skate_   
_**vitenka:** but not much!! i'm not that good so i've never competed, but i find it very relaxing_   
_**katsucky:** that's awesome, victor!!!! now i get to admire two victor's who skate!!_   
_**vitenka:** ahaha, i'm not sure i'm much to admire exactly ^^;_   
_**katsucky:** you are more than enough to admire, and, dare i say it, you have more to admire than Nikiforov_   
_**vitenka:** i... i think that'sthe first time i've ever seen you refer to him by his last name. even in the gc you refer to him as just victor. i feel honored._   
_**katsucky:** you should be, that IS the only time i've ever refered to him as Nikiforov and not just Victor. ask the gc if you must. but hey, that's how you know i'm serious._   
_**vitenka:** ilysm. _   
_**vitenka:** i cannot beliebe i have been blesse d so much _   
_**vitenka:** to be able to call you my boyyfriend _   
_**vitenka:** i'm gonna cry_   
_**vitenka:** how did i ever find you_   
_**katsucky:** oh my go d you're so sweet_   
_**katsucky:** hella dramatic_   
_**katsucky:** but sweet!!_   
_**vitenka:** not as sweet as you ;)))_   
_**vitenka:** but i do need to leave now, unfortunately. i would much rather continue to celebrate this momentous occasion._   
_**katsucky:** go work, dork. i'll still be here. i mean i might be asleep, but i'll be here._   
_**vitenka:** goodnight then, my dear._   
_**katsucky:** and good morning, love_   
**_katsucky has signed off_ **

Of course, Yuuri wasn't actually going to bed now. But saying goodnight to someone aside from Phichit actually felt... rather nice. It had been so long since that had happened. 

And he had a lot to think about, anyway. All the advice that Victor had given him about his upcoming "event". Push past it, he had said. Once he got through this one, the others might seem easier. Less scary, at least. And after that, then came the even bigger, more terrifying thing. The Grand Prix Final. If he made it that far.

Focus on one thing at a time. Skate America was first, then NHK, and then the Final, but only if he did well in the first two. If not... He didn't want to think about what would happen if he failed. It hurt too much.

For now, just one. He had worked on his programs for so long, and sure, maybe they aren't his favorite, but he can still feel the emotions of them, can still portray them well. He just couldn't lose focus.

Taking a deep breath, Yuuri stood up from his spot and opened his music app on his phone, selecting his upbeat playlist. Brooding wouldn't do him any good, he might as well do something right? He turned it up all the way and stuck his phone in his pocket, dancing around to the music as he picked up his room. 

Eventually he moved onto the living room, and then the dining room, and was washing counters in the kitchen when he heard the front door open slowly at first, and then Phichit called out into the apartment, "Hey Yuuri, I'm back!"

"Hey Phich." Yuuri called back, turning his music down and continuing his task. 

Phichit came into the kitchen and leaned against the counter that Yuuri had just finished up with. "Are you anxious? Because I think the apartment is cleaner than when we moved here."

"Ha ha," Yuuri stuck his tongue out at his friend. "You think, maybe, just a little bit. I was bored and I didn't want to just sit and think."

"You don't need to explain yourself to me, Yuuri." Phichit said as he pushed off the counter. "I've long learned to accept you and your occasionally strange habits. This one is just relatively new, is all."

Yuuri smiled over his shoulder as he worked. "Thanks, Phi. How was your movie?" Phichit let out a fake sob behind him.

"It was heartbreaking, Yuuri! I was not prepared for that!" He draped himself across the table, an arm thrown dramatically over his eyes and he kicked up a leg for even more over-the-top effects, as if he needed them. "It broke me! I will never be the same!"

Yuuri just laughed and pushed his leg back towards the floor. "Can you contain your pain a little more, please? I almost took a foot to the eye and I'd rather not have to got to Skate America with a black eye, thanks."

"Aha!!" Phichit sat back up. "So you ARE freaked out about Skate America!"

"Shut up, you!" Yuuri shouted, throwing his rag at his friend before sighing. "Fine, yes, I am freaked out about Skate America. But why shouldn't I be? I've failed at it once and I'm not getting any younger, ya know? I only have oh so many years left in me and if I fail again then what? I keep trying and keep failing?"

"Yes," Phichit said, as if it truly was that simple. "No matter what happens you keep trying, because what if you do fail this time, and you give up, huh? You have no idea what would've happened if you had kept going. Maybe your next program would've been your absolute best, and maybe you would've won. But you wouldn't know, because you stopped." Phichit took a deep breath, having worked himself up during his rant.

"Yuuri, you're an inspiration whether you want to believe it or not. You would be devastated if Victor retired, right? It's the same for me with you, and it's not just because you're my best friend. You give me the same motivation Victor gives you. Plus, we both know you love skating too much to give it up so easily."

At this point, they were both in tears. Yuuri brought a hand up to his mouth as he let himself think about what Phichit had said. He is to Phichit what Victor is to him? Can that be true? One look at his friend said yes, it could and it was. He gasped in a breath and leapt forward to hug Phichit, who jumped but wrapped his arms around Yuuri as well. 

"I love you so, so much, Phi." Yuuri muttered into his shoulder. He felt Phichit nod and smiled. 

Eventually they pulled away from each other, both straightening their own clothes and wiping their faces.

"So," Phichit said after a few more seconds of awkward silence. "That happened. Um." He coughed awkwardly. "So the movie was sad, right?"

Yuuri just laughed and nodded his head slightly, leaning back against the counter so he could listen to a basic run down of the movie, and what Cindy had said, and the small argument with Jared on where to eat, and how they drove across town only to finally settle on a place that was back near where they started.

He could let his mind turnover everything Phichit had said about being an inspiration later. For now, he joked about Phichit's unhealthy love for Taco Bell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah !  
> the whole thing with Yuuri speaking Russian is something I love doing to my gf, who always freaks out when I call her an endearment in her native language.   
> Yuuri called him "my love", btw :3
> 
> come talk to me on myyy 


	18. One step forward...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another long conversation and a slightly annoyed coach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uuuhhhhhhh
> 
> hi?
> 
> I'm just.. gonna.. put my notes at the bottom.
> 
> I hope you enjoy..!!!
> 
> **_Warning:_ There is conversation about depression, including discussion of depressed thoughts. Please be wary.**

Bad days happen sometimes, Victor knows this. In more ways than one.

In skating, there are some days where maybe his knees hurt more than usual. Or his feet hurt too much to skate for long. And then there are the bad days that have nothing to do with his body at all, but his mind. His thoughts will go on and on in circles of negativity. "That was bad." "You're pathetic." "You're failing." "You can't surprise anyone." "No one cares about an old wash up like you."

An awful cycle.

One that was going on now, as he fell on a quad flip. 

"Damnit," he whispered as he stared at his reflection in the ice.

"Victor! Get up and do it again!"

"Yes sir."

And as always, he did. And he fell again, as he knew he would. When his bad days came, they came with a vengeance. 

He stood up again, sighed, and started to build up speed again. 

"Victor!" Yakov called his spot at the side of the rink, one finger summoning Victor over. When he stopped by the board, Yakov said "That's enough for today. If you aren't going to land it today, then there is no point in pointlessly bruising your hip and possibly injuring it again. Get off the ice, and go home."

Victor gaped for a second before he closed his mouth. He couldn't really argue with Yakov about this, he could see the reasoning. And he doesn't have the energy to anyway.  
"Yes sir." He said before skating to the exit and wordlessly putting on his skate guards and ignoring the worried and confused looks from everyone else in the rink. After all, it's not every day that Victor listens to Yakov when he's told to go home.

God, he hates this. If his mind would stop feeding him these stupid thoughts, he wouldn't be so distracted and he'd be able to work on his free skate. It's not quite right yet. But no, he's letting himself get distracted by the thoughts, and he keeps messing up. There's nothing he can do but go home and sit it out. 

Once he's changed out of his skates and taken care of them, he pushes the doors open and takes a deep breath of the cold air, pulling out his phone while he makes his way down the front stairs. 

He looks at his notifications and, seeing a message from Yuuri, smiles brightly. He clicks it and reads over the last few messages.

_**Private message between ; katsucky & vitenka** _   
_**vitenka:** i'm screaminf why is your dog so fuckign cuTE_   
_**katsucky:** bc he's the most precious doggo!!!_   
_**katsucky:** i told you he's more cute than zolotse_   
_**vitenka:** lIES_   
_**vitenka:** NOTHIN G IS MROE CUTE THAN ZOLOTSE_   
_-unread messages-_   
_**katsucky:** NOTHING EXCEPT VICCHAN_   
_**vitenka:** L I E S_   
_**vitenka:** also_   
_**vitenka:** can i... talk to you about smth?_   
_**katsucky:** omg yea, of course, what is it?? is something wrong??_   
_**vitenka:** sorta. it's kinda like.. negative and dark are you sure?_   
_**katsucky:** it's okay, babe, go ahead_   
_**vitenka:** ok so like..._   
_**vitenka:** i think something is seriously wrong with my mind_   
_**vitenka:** like it's sorta like how phichit explained your anxiety_   
_**vitenka:** but it's less questions and more of facts_   
_**katsucky:** what are less of questions?_   
_**vitenka:** my thoughts_   
_**katsucky:** what are they like?_   
_**vitenka:** generally? things like how i'm stupid, or i'm failing at achieving what i want to, or how everyone is going to lose intrest_   
_**vitenka:** but it's not like,, what if. it's just... it IS that way._   
_**katsucky:** ok first off it is NOT that way,no matter what your brain says_   
_**katsucky:** second, that sounds a lot like depression_   
_**vitenka:** yuri said that too, a while ago...._   
_**vitenka:** he also told me to go to therapy_   
_**katsucky:** and did you?_   
_**vitenka:** ........._   
_**katsucky:** i'll take that as a no then..._   
_**katsucky:** and i know it's going to sound like bs advice, especially if you've heard it before, but i really agree with him. you should definitely go to therapy, at least for a in-take. let them help you, vic. bc i don't want to see you sad or upset, and i don't want you to pretend that you aren't when you are, not with me_   
_**vitenka:** ...._   
_**vitenka:** ..... ok. it's just that i'm so scared of someone finding out that i'm going to therapy, because i'm afraid of it becoming this huge thing._   
_**katsucky:** why would it becom such a big thing if someone found out?_   
_**vitenka:** i'm... kind of well known in my industry?? and kind of a hotshot sorta. i know a lot of people look up to me, and what will they think if they see how weak i am? i don't want to let them down, or my boss, or anyone. i just..._   
_**katsucky:** victor, honey. this won't make them think lesser of you. just think about it this way; if one of those people who look up to you also has a mental illness, like anxiety or depression, and they see you, acknowledging that you need help, reaching out for it, accepting it, it'll be easier for them to as well. bc they saw someone they see as strong do it, they won't see it as them being weak, or you being weak. and it isn't, anyway. reaching out like that takes strength, just like fighting alone. but you don't have to fight alone, victor. there are people here for you._   
_**katsucky:** oh sweet jesus that was long_   
_**vitenka:** i;m gonna fucking cry_   
_**vitenka:** yuuri you are so sweet and amazing and i cannot believe how much i want to meet you_   
_**katsucky:** i_   
_**vitenka:** i'm sorry_   
_**vitenka:** that was too much wasn't it??_   
_**vitenka:** god i didn't mean to_   
_**vitenka:** i;m sorry_   
_**katsucky:** victor it's okay!!_   
_**katsucky:** i'm not freaked out just a little shocked_   
_**katsucky:** i want to meet you too  <3_   
_**vitenka:** you're too perfect  <3_   
_**katsucky:** >////<_   
_**katsucky:** maybe somedy soon we'll be able to meet c:_   
_**vitenka:** maybe!!!_   
_**vitenka:** i sure hope so_   
_**katsucky:** i,, i actually might be able to go to the gpf??? so like.. maybe then??_   
_**vitenka:** HGCFVEIULQEV YES_   
_**vitenka:** I'M PROBABLY GONNA BE THERE TOO OMGGG_   
_**vitenka:** THAT WOULD BE AMAZING_   
_**vitenka:** and it's soon too TTWTT_   
_**katsucky:** aaaaaa so soon_   
_**katsucky:** i'm so hecking nervous for it, i wanna see every one do their best!!_   
_**vitenka:** me too_   
_**vitenka:** the qualifiers show a lot of promising skaters *^*_   
_**katsucky:** heh,, yeah_   
_**katsucky:** i can't wait to see all of their programs too_   
_**vitenka:** i hope they're all amazing_   
_**katsucky:** me too_   
_**katsucky:** anyway i;ve got class soon, but i'll talk to you later, ok?_   
_**vitenka:** ok. have fun at class my dear!!_   
_**katsucky:** and don't forget to make an appointment ok?? i'm serious. _   
_**vitenka:** i'll do it as soon as i geet home, ok?_   
_**katsucky:** ok. goodbye darling_   
_**vitenka:** <3<3_

Victor heaved out a sigh, pressing the call button for the elevator. Technically, he is home already, but he _really_ didn't want to make a therapy appointment. Regardless of what Yuuri said, he still feels like it'll make him look weak. Just think about it. "Victor Nikiforov caught going to therapy! Is his mind as fucked up as we thought??"

....

Okay maybe it wouldn't say that _exactly_ but tabloids rarely ever say anything pleasant, and Victor has worked so hard to keep as little bad press as possible. He can't just throw that all away now for- what?- someone to talk about his feeling with? Ha. Not likely.

But when those thoughts run through his head, all he can think of is Yuuri. He sounded so sincere, and he had some good points. And he really wants Victor to do this. Maybe... Maybe it would be okay? Yuuri insisted, and Victor can't picture Yuuri wishing harm on him.

He steps into his apartment makes a beeline for the kitchen. It's too late for lunch, but fuck that. He's tired and all he wants is some damn salad.

Okay actually he _wants_ ice cream, but he's not allowed to eat that this close to competition, so salad it is.

He sits on his couch, and stares at his phone on the coffee table. He could call them. He could. OR he could sit there, and stare. Only one of these would actually produce any results, and he's felt like enough of a waste of space for one day, so he grabs his phone and googles the nearest hospital's number, not knowing where else to look. 

This began a long, tiring game of "who told you to call here? you need to call THIS person." Victor was very done by the end of it, but he had finally gotten an in-take for tomorrow. He sent a text to Yakov that wouldn't be seen until later, probably, about how he would be late for practice and he'd explain it when he saw him next.

So now we relax, right? Nope. Relaxing leads to thinking. Victor huffed out an annoyed breath. He can't even do anything right now. Makkachin is at the doggy daycare until later, he's banned from the rink, and Yuuri, Yuri, and probably Phichit are offline.

Yuuri and Yuri.

Yuri and Yuuri.

Damn that's going to be confusing.

One needs a nickname!

And it comes to mind, a conversation from a while ago...

 

_**"Good morning, kotya!"** _

_**"Would you stop calling me that?" The teen grumbled, dropping into a seat at Victor's table as the man himself cooked at the stove.** _

_**"Why?" He laughed, finishing up making some omelets. "You act like a little kitten, so why wouldn't I call you one, hm?"** _

_**Yuri snorted. "Because I told you not to?"** _

 

Hm. That gave him an idea.

_**vitenka:** psst guys i just realized smth_   
_**vitenka:** we have a Yuuri_   
_**vitenka:** and a Yuri_   
_**vitenka:** how confusing is THAT?_   
_**vitenka:** so i've decided from now on_   
_**vitenka:** that Yuri will be called Yurio_   
_**vitenka:** it's an adorable nickname and he already likes it so it's official_   
_**vitenka:** snow pls confirm that's it's official before he comes online_   
_**whodranktherum:** ???_   
_**whodranktherum:** If he likes it then???_   
_**vitenka:** shhh just do it_   
_**vitenka:** as admin only YOU have the authority_   
_**whodranktherum:** Alright then. It is offical that demon-cat is now Yurio and there is no changing this fact._   
_**vitenka:** It Has Been Done_   
_**demon-cat:** aSSHAT WHAT HAVE YOU DONE_   
_**vitenka:** nothing 0:-)_   
_**demon-cat:** YOU UTTER DICK_   
_**whodranktherum:** Yurio, please watch your language._   
_**demon-cat:** YOU UTTER SEESAW_   
_**demon-cat:** BETTER?_   
_**whodranktherum:** Yes._   
_**vitenka:** i didn't do anything wrong!!_   
_**vitenka:** i saw an issue and fixed it!_   
_**lightafire:** i'm fhukving scrmeiang_   
_**demon-cat:** YOU STAY OUT OF THIS_   
_**lightafire:** thisd isd fabouls_   
_**vitenka:** u ok???_   
_**lightafire:** i;m fijne_   
_**lightafire:** jusdt laughiong too hard to ktype_   
_**whodranktherum:** Omg you almost got a whole proper line out there._   
_**lightafire:** dman_   
_**lightafire:** can;t havf e tght_   
_**demon-cat:** why_   
_**demon-cat:** why have i known you long enought to be able to decypher that_   
_**lightafire:** becuasre we're allj a ijpart of this hele chat_   
_**vitenka:** guys pls_   
_**vitenka:** also yurio why areyou hERE??????_   
_**demon-cat:** yaaaaaaa_   
_**demon-cat:** our boss dude guy man thing said that he's calling it early bc he got a text_   
_**demon-cat:** from YOU actually_

Oh damn.

_**vitenka:** oh damn pls don't tell me he's on his way here_   
_**demon-cat:** he's on his way there_   
_**vitenka:** orfvhgiweuhIJH HVFIUEHRF DAMNIT_   
_**lightafire:** ??????????????????????????????_   
_**whodranktherum:** What????_   
_**vitenka:** i;m dead i'm dead i'm dead_   
_**demon-cat:** what did you fucking DO????_   
_**lightafire:** omg vit what's happeming????_   
_**vitenka:** my boss dude guy man thing is about to fucking kill me bc i'm missing some of tomorrow_   
_**demon-cat:** oh god you're fucking dead_   
_**whodranktherum:** Why would he kill you for that??_   
_**lightafire:** fbgedtnh dude wh at_   
_**demon-cat:** ok ok how much time do you have??_   
_**vitenka:** how long ago did he leave????_   
_**demon-cat:** about 20min_   
_**vitenka:** I'M RFUCKING DEAD_   
_**vitenka:** I ONLY LIVE LIKE 20IN AWAY_   
_**vitenka:** OH DAMN_   
_**vitenka:** HE'XS FICKING HERE_   
_**vitenka:** I;M G ONNA MISS YOU GUYS _   
_**vitenka:** I;LL SEND TEXTS FROM HELL_   
_**whodranktherum:** Bye Victor._   
_**lightafire:** RIP MANN _   
_**demon-cat:** see you in hell_

Bang bang. "Victor! I know you're in here! Let me in!" Bang bang.

He's dead.

"I'm coming!" He yells instead, setting his phone down and leaping off the couch, rushing to the door and fixing his hair before opening it. "Hey Yakov, what's up?"

"Don't you dare." Yakov fumed, pushing his way inside. "What. The HELL. Was this text about? What do you _mean_ you're going to be missing practice? You don't just 'miss practice', Victor. I know you better than that."

Victor sighed, his smile dropping. "No way out of this, huh?" Yakov shook his head. "Alright fine. I'm seeing a therapist in the morning. Happy? You have my reason, now out."

"A therapist?" Yakov furrowed his brow. 

"Yes, Yakov," Victor sighed. "A therapist. I don't know what was up with me today, but I need to get it checked out, okay? I hate that I am, but I'm going. It's better to just kill it now, I'd rather not run the chance of this happening again during a competition."

Yakov rubbed his forehead. "And if it gets leaked? The tabloids will have a party."

Victor nodded. "I know. I'm going to take every precaution possible to prevent it from happening. If it does, then it does. I'll know what else I need to look out for. And when don't the tabloids have a party anyway?"

"I just hope you know what you're doing, Victor." Yakov put a hand on his shoulder, comforting in his own way. "Try not to take too long."

A small smile. "I'll be there as soon as I'm done."

"Good. Rest tonight. You'll be working extra hard for today and the missed time tomorrow."

"Yes sir."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so um let's go shall we hahaha
> 
> 1\. I'm so SO SORRY this took so long. Like,, wow. Almost 2 months since chapter 17 went up. Basically, a lot of shit has been happening including a 3 week long vacation that sucked out my energy on a daily and my computer is broken af so it's kinda hard to get on and write. But it's here now!! I hope this chapter was worth the wait :)))
> 
> 2\. THANK YOU to any one and every one who has commented or kudos or bookmarked or shared on Tumblr!!! You guys make my fucking day ok and you give me the strength to write on.
> 
> 3\. A SPECIAL thank you to those who have been here since the beginning, or near it. You guys have been supporting me for so long and I'm very grateful.
> 
> 4\. I will try not to leave that much time between again. That was a ridiculous amount of time. You all have permission to spam me if I start going over a month. Please DO spam me if I start going over a month. I'm not kidding.
> 
> I think that's it?? We're getting closer to the end of the story aaa ;A; With the GPF comes the end and I'm already not ok.
> 
> Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://undadasea.tumblr.com)!! You can talk to me about the fic, or any fic, or just talk idk-


	19. it's not too late to start again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor's in a good mood as he heads off to his first meeting with the therapist...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyoo it's only been exactly a month!! I'm getting better at this XD
> 
> however,, that may or may not drop again. I'm going to be taking some college courses starting tomorrow and I have NO idea how they're going to affect my time yet, since I've never done anything like this. However! I do know what's going to happen in the next chapter, since it is actually the second half of this one before I realized exactly how much I had written ^^; whoops
> 
> anyway, this chapter draws... a LOT on my experiences with my therapist. i don't have a lot to say about that aside from the fact that not every intake appointment will happen this way. i have only been to one, and there are so many therapists who probably have a much different take on how to do this. this isn't a precedent for all intakes, just written with my experiences in mind.
> 
> **_Warning:_** there are discussions of depression throughout this chapter. relatively heavy discussions. please read on with caution. i'm going to add a basic chapter summary at the bottom, just in case.
> 
> this chapter's title comes from "Just Keep Breathing" by We The Kings (the same as the fics title. can you guess that i really like this song?)
> 
> please enjoy!!!

He woke up to a bright morning, a kiss from Makkachin, and a cheery attitude. There was a smile on his face as he sat up and stretched, shutting off his phone's alarm and looking at his notifications in case there was anything important, which there wasn't. It wasn't all that unusual.

But, bottom line was, when Victor woke up this morning, he felt amazing. He made himself and Makkachin breakfast, sitting to eat his food and thinking about what the day held for him. Today he had his intake appointment with the therapist. Honestly though, Victor looked outside at the sunshine, a feeling of warmth spreading through him at the sight, he didn't really think he needed it. He felt amazing.

Why should he go to this intake? He feels just fine, and it'd just make him miss practice anyway. It was pointless to go when there was no reason. So he'll just go to practice then. Easy.

As that thought went through his head, there was a notification sound from his phone. He picked it up to check, a small, honest smile appearing as he looked at it.

_**katsucky:** hey victor!! just wanted to remind you that i am v v proud of you  <3_

And that one sentence seemed to shock him awake. Of course he needed this intake. Because every time he thought the bad days were gone, they' come back. Because even if he had a good day, or a good week, it'd eventually end. This day was no different.

He sent a quick heart off to Yuuri as a quick reply, and went to get dressed. He may feel fine today, but there was no guarantee that he would stay that way. He needed to go to the intake. He needed the appointments, even if it felt like he didn't. He couldn't lose focus of that now.

The office where the therapist worked was a lot further away than the rink, so Victor chose to take his car up there, and he'd just have to drive home after practice. Honestly, he didn't know what to expect when he pulled up to the small building. Maybe he was expecting something that outwardly screamed "THERAPY", but the only indication that that was the reason he was here was the sign out front that simply said it was a psychologist office. 

Still, he pressed forward, opening the door to show a small waiting room, a person sitting behind some glass with a counter in front of them, typing on their computer.

As Victor approached, the person looked up and smiled, pulling the glass window open. 

"Hello!" They greeted him cheerily. "What can I help you with today?"

Victor couldn't help the smile that broke out onto his face at their enthusiasm. "Hi. I'm here for an intake with Dr. Braginskaya?"

The receptionist went to check something on their computer, and turned back to him. "Mr. Nikiforov?" He nodded. "Okay! You're appointment is in 10 or so minutes, is this correct?" Another nod. "Alright, I'm gonna need you to fill out this form. Dr. Braginskaya will come get you when she's ready, and you can just hand her the form, okay?"

"Okay, thank you." He accepted the form, as well as a clipboard and a pen which they told him he could just set on the counter when he finished. Then he went to sit down, his knee bouncing a little as his eyes scanned over the paper. He filled out his information on the top, and turned his attention to the questions.

They were all 1-5 scale questions, "in the last week have..." and they varied from "you felt blue?" to "your drinking/drug use affected your relationships?" to "you gotten good sleep?" He filled it out as best as he could, glancing up every time the door to the back opened. He didn't know what Dr. Braginskaya looked like, but he figured she'd let him know when she came out. And so far, no one had looked at him, or asked his name, so he was probably good.

And then finally, as he got up to drop the clipboard off at the counter, the door opened again and a soft, sweet voice said "Mr. Nikiforov?" 

"That's me." He said as he turned towards the door and took a good look at who said his name. She had long silver hair pulled back in a bun, and it reminded him so strongly of when he had long hair, the various ways he'd put it up during practice or competitions. He felt a pang in his heart, a hand automatically going up to mess with the hairs at the back of his neck. It took him a moment before he realized she was holding out her hand waiting for a handshake, and he hurriedly took it giving a firm shake. "And I assume that means you're Dr. Ivanna Braginskaya?" 

"That's correct." She smiled. "Right this way." She waved an arm through the door, and he walked in, silently handing her the form as she lead him to her office. "Take a seat where ever you like." She said, waving towards the seats. There were a few choices, not including the desk chair that Victor automatically assumed she would be sitting in, and he chose a loveseat close to the door, crossing his legs as Dr. Braginskaya shut the door behind her.

"Well, Mr. Nikiforov, when I got your call I honestly didn't expect it to really be you." She continued with a smile, sitting in the desk chair as Victor had suspected. "I admit, I'm a bit of a fan, but I will maintain a professional attitude during appointments."

Victor nodded. "Thank you."

"So let's get to business, shall we?" She glanced at the form he had filled out for a moment before setting it to the side and grabbing a different paper, which she handed to him. "First, I need you to read and sign this. It's nothing bad, just a patient-therapist confidentiality agreement." He skimmed through the words on the paper as she continued to explain. "Basically, all it states is that everything you say in this room remains between the two of us unless you explicitly say otherwise." Victor nodded along as she spoke, finding everything she said printed on the paper as well. He signed his name at the bottom and handed it back to her.

"Now what?" He asked. He had no idea what to expect here. Were they just going to get down to the deep stuff right off the bat? Were they going to talk like old friends beforehand? Small talk? What?

"This is just an intake, so it's most likely going to be shorter than most regular appointments." Dr. Braginskaya answered. "Today I just want to get to know you a little bit, and I want you to see if I am someone you are comfortable talking to. That's the most important thing. If you decide that you would like to speak to a different therapist, I won't be hurt. Not every therapist will fit with every patient. But either way, I want you to tell me why you're here, and what you hope to accomplish. Does that sound okay to you?"

Victor blinked, thinking it over. Just getting to know him, huh? That doesn't sound to bad. But which him does she want to know? With a sigh, he nodded. He could do this. 

"Okay." Dr. Braginskaya leaned back in her chair. "So, what brings you to my office today, Mr. Nikiforov?"

"I, um. I've been thinking that I might have clinical depression." He got straight to the point. Really, there was no use in skirting around the issue, not when it was the only reason he was here. And he had done some research of his own last night, after Yakov had left. Looking at the typical symptoms, he had to admit that they seemed painfully familiar to him. "It's not just me that thinks this either. Two of my closest friends told me they think i might have it, before even I thought of it."

"Depression? Why do you think that?" Dr. Braginskaya prompted.

"Well, when I was looking into it and saw some of the symptoms, I couldn't help but notice they apply to me. Like insomnia, tiredness, loss of interest and motivation, discontentment... and I spoke about my thoughts with one friend, I told him that I often had thoughts saying that I wasn't enough, or I was done as a skater because of my lack of motivation, and that I was better off just quitting."

Dr. Braginskaya picked up a clipboard, writing something down on the paper there. "Tell me more about your friends. How did you meet them? Through your skating?"  
Victor laughed a little. "Sort of? I actually met most of them through an anonymous online chat forum."

"Anonymous?"

"Yes." Victor looked at his lap. "I... Don't really have any friends here in St. Petersburg, and there aren't any competitors I really consider my friends either. I was... Very lonely, for a long time. Then one of my rink-mates, Yuri, said something about how I should go hang out with my friends. It made me long for some. So I joined a chat forum for skating online. No one there knows who I am."

"No one knows you're Victor Nikiforov?"

"Exactly." 

She made another note on her paper. "You said you had two close friends. Who are they?"

Victor blushed a little. "Well, one of them isn't just a friend. His name is Yuuri. I met him in the chatroom, and I developed a crush on him and well... we're kind of, sorta dating."

"Oh?" She smiled, tapping her pen a little bit. "How has that been?"

"So amazing." Victor sighed dreamily. "He's so sweet, and caring. And... I don't even know. He's just so wonderful. I really like him." His voice dropped to a whisper at the end, as he realized that maybe, just _maybe_ , he more than liked Yuuri. Maybe....

"And your other friend?" Dr. Braginskaya interrupted his thoughts before he could dwell on that specific train of thought any longer. Before it could get dangerous.

"My other friend is actually my rink-mate Yuri, who I mentioned earlier."

Dr. Braginskaya tapped her pen against her lip in thought for a minute. "Do you perhaps mean Yuri Plisetsky?" He nodded. "He's 14, correct?"

"Yes." Victor confirmed. "And I actually got closer to him in the chatroom before I did in person. Because somehow I had ended up in the same one that he was in as well."

She wrote something down again, a small frown on her face before looking back up, the frown disappearing immediately. "Is there anyone else in your chatroom?"

"Yeah, a few other regulars. Yuuri's roommate and friend, Phichit. I don't know their real names, but there is also light-a-fire, and who-drank-the-rum, who we know as Snow. I'm less close with the last two, since they have less time to get online usually, so I don't have as much chance to talk to them."

"Alright." The therapist wrote something again. "Now I think it's time for me to ask the biggest question; what is it that you hope to accomplish from our appointments?"

Victor looked at his lap again as he thought. What did he want to accomplish? Getting rid of his depression, for one, but he knew that was illogical and most definitely impossible. He knew it'd never be fully gone. For now though..

"For now I'd just like to focus on finding a way to cope on my worst days, and to try my best to make them happen less often and with more space between. With the skating season beginning in a few weeks, I don't really have time to focus on much else."

"Makes sense." She said. "So in our first few real sessions we'll focus on creating some coping mechanisms that you can use in your day-to-day use. And some that you can take with you to competitions, to be used with an even more packed schedule. Then, we'll work on getting deeper in to see if we can find things that are feeding your depression, and see how we can resolve those issues so that it won't get any worse. Then, when you have more time, we'll discuss what we'll work on next. Does that sound like a good plan for now?"

Victor smiled. "Yes, that sounds fantastic."

"Alright." She said cheerily. "For now, I'd like you to come once a week, schedule permitting. Of course, if you can't make it every week due to training, or if you'd like to do it every two weeks, then we can do that instead."

"No, once a week sounds good. I'll discuss it with my coach at practice today."

"Then you can call in to schedule your appointments when you find a good day." Victor nodded. He was actually feeling just fine, despite the heavy discussions. "And I believe that wraps up our intake, Mr. Nikiforov." Dr. Braginskaya beamed. She stood and walked over to the door to open it. As Victor stood up, she said "I'll walk you to the front."

They walked back through the hall in relative silence, Dr. Braginskaya speaking again only when they had made it to the waiting room again. "I hope you have a wonderful day, Mr. Nikiforov, and I'll see you sometime next week."

"You too." He replied, turning and pushing open the front door and stepping out into the fresh air.

Today has been a good day. He's very grateful for the break, at least, from the monotone and the gray. Now he would head to the rink, and tell Yakov about what's happening. He only hoped that his cheery mood would remain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Summary;** Victor goes to his therapy intake in a good mood. He and his therapist (Dr. Braginskaya) discuss why he thinks he has depression and what they plan to get done in the next few weeks off appointments, that being finding coping mechanisms as well as some main contributors to his depression. At the end, Victor leaves the office and gets ready to discuss scheduling with Yakov.
> 
> Also, if you noticed the hidden egg I dropped from a different fandom, let me know! ;D
> 
> Feel free to leave a comment and/or come talk me on [my tumblr](https://undadasea.tumblr.com)!!


	20. silence strikes like a hurricane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor is working hard on his mental health, but Yuuri is letting the hurricane go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u h hi  
> it's been exactly a month, so i'm still in my time limit k? k.
> 
> i couldn't give you too much fluff, now could i? :D hope y'all enjoy this late-night update!!
> 
>  **WARNING:** This chapter contains brief descriptions of an anxiety attack. It begins at "Maybe it was that..." and lasts through that entire paragraph. Please take caution!
> 
> chapter title from ~ "Take What You Want" by One OK Rock (ft. 5 Seconds of Summer)

_The night before, 1:46am, Detroit, Michigan..._

Yuuri took a deep breath as he fiddled with his pencil, trying his best to calm his anxiety some. It had been unusually calm all day, really it shouldn't have surprised him that as soon as Phichit had fallen asleep, his anxiety would hit him stronger than it has in a while.

He needed to move, but Celestino had already yelled at him once when he had arrived to practice sore and tired. _"Yuuri! We leave for Skate America in 2 days! You cannot risk injury now, it would prevent you from competing in the Grand Prix. No more night practice, of any kind. I know it helps you calm down, but this close to the competitions we just can't chance it."_ Celestino's words floated through his mind, and a heavy sigh feel from his lips as the pencil continued tapping down on his notebook.

He was going to need to see if he could schedule an appointment with his therapist before or soon after Skate America... At this point, he was desperately hoping to get one in before they go.

That thought was quickly replaced with another one; Victor had said that he had scheduled an appointment for tomorrow. Well, a glance down at his watch, today. Quickly, he calculated the time difference in his head, noting that it was almost 9am in Russia and that Victor was definitely awake.

Remembering how hard it was when he had started seeing his first therapist back in Hastesu, he grabbed his phone and sent a quick message of encouragement, smiling when he got a heart in response almost immediately after. At least he knew Victor was okay today, that was some salvation. It calmed a little bit. Just enough to sleep...

...

When he woke up, the anxiety that he had managed to calm a little bit was back again. The worst feeling was that he knew there was nothing he could do to calm it right now. His skating practice wasn't going be until the afternoon today, and he didn't have classes today either, since Celestino had gotten the college to let him have the days surrounding the competition off as "relaxation days" so he could compete his best. Apparently.

What this really meant was that he was sitting in his room alone, running all of the possible failure scenarios through his head, with no distractions.

Phichit still had class since he wasn't competing, both Yuri and Victor were working, who knows if anyone else in the group chat was awake, everyone back in Hasetsu would either be asleep or getting ready to be. There was no one he could talk to right now. 

Maybe it was that, the helplessness of not being able to reach out like he had spent so many therapy sessions talking about, or maybe it was just all of the stress from the impending competition. He's not really sure what brought it on, or if it was more than one thing. It probably was. But soon he found himself taking shorter, quicker breaths, his heart pounding rapidly in his chest, each beat causing another shake throughout his body. He curled up, tears falling as he flung a hand out to reach out for his phone. He couldn't calm down by himself, he wouldn't be able to.

He sent a frantic text to Phichit, first. It was a dumb attempt, since Phichit was a good student and muted his phone in class. So he moved on, sending a text to Victor as well. Then to Yuri, then into the group chat, then to his parents, Mari, Yuuko, Minako. Everyone he could think of, who might be able to calm him at all. 

After two minutes, a response finally came back in the form of a very confused message in Japanese from his mother. 

**_okaasan:_ ** _yuuri? what's happening? i'm confused?_  
**_yuuri(me):_ ** _i'm having a panic attteck ic an't calm mysle f an d phi chit's not home_  
**_okaasan:_ ** _oh honey_  
**_okaasan:_ ** _take as deep a breath as you can. try not to curl completely into yourself. hug a pillow instead of your chest. raise your arms as soon as you can. sit up as soon as you can._  
**_okaasan:_ ** _it's okay, sweetie. you aren't alone. i'm not going anywhere until i know you're okay._  
**_okaasan:_ ** _you're very strong, you know that right? living so far from home, doing school and skating. i'm so, so proud of you. i can't wait until you come visit us in november!!_

Yuuri smiled, following his mothers instructions. He could almost hear her gentle voice whispering the words to him, remembered distinctly how she would say similar things as she rubbed his back and eased him into position, back when he stilled lived in Japan. 

**_yuuri(me):_ ** _thanks mom... it's late, why are you awake?_  
**_okaasan:_ ** _i was getting ready for bed when you texted_  
**_yuuri(me):_ ** _i'm sorry i didn't mean to keep you up_  
**_okaasan:_ ** _yuuri, honey, i always have time for you! you're my baby whether you like it or not, and i'm not just going to leave you by yourself in a time of need. you know that._  
**_yuuri(me):_ ** _i know （/｡＼)_  
**_okaasan:_ ** _i love you, yuuri!_  
**_yuuri(me):_ ** _i love you too. goodnight_  
**_okaasan:_ ** _❤ (ɔˆз(ˆ ⌣ ˆc)_

Yuuri laughed quietly to himself at her emoticon. It was one of her favorites that he had sent her, and she had saved it to her phone, ending most conversations with it. At this point, it was basically her signature. The familiarity and easy conversation made it all the much easier to breathe, though his mind was far from clear of his anxious thoughts. 

When his phone went off again, he was a little confused, since his mom didn't usually respond send another text after that, but when his phone kept going off and he looked at it, he saw that it was the group chat that he had set off.

_**lightafire:** KAT ARE YOU OKAY_  
_**lightafire:** I'M SO SO LATE TO RESPOND_  
_**lightafire:** BUT I JUST SAW THIS AND I'M WORRIED_  
_**demon-cat:** omg yuuri how are you doing??_  
__**_**whodranktherum:** :_ ** _Yuuri, babe, what happened?_  
_**demon-cat:** are you still panicking or have you calmed down now????_  
_**lightafire:** YUURI PLEASE RESPOND_  
_**lightafire:** LET US KNOW YOU'RE OKAY??????????_  
__**_**whodranktherum:** :_ ** _Vf, please calm down._  
_**demon-cat:** yeah, freaking out isn't gonna help!!!_  
_**lightafire:** so r ry _  
_**lightafire:** i justr_  
_**lightafire:** that message worried me bc i don't like it when my friends are panicky it makes me panicky_  
__**_**whodranktherum:** :_ ** _I understand, but if Yuuri is still panicking, then panicking back won't help._  
_**lightafire:** sorry....._  
_**demon-cat:** it's chill don't worry about it_  
_**katsucky:** hey guys, i'm so so so sorry to freak you out, i'm okay now_  
_**demon-cat:** !!! ok good_  
_**lightafire:** sweet jesus, okay, i'm calm, ish, as long as you're ok_  
__**_**whodranktherum:** :_ ** _I'm glad you're better now._  
_**demon-cat:** what happened exactly ?????????_  
_**demon-cat:** if you don't mind answering ofc_  
_**katsucky:** it's okay_  
_**katsucky:** i just had a panic attack, but i texted you guys, and my family, and my mom responded and helped me through it_  
_**katsucky:** that was right before vf started blowing up the chat_  
_**lightafire:** onc again, my apoligies_  
_**katsucky:** it's fine, it's fine!!_  
_**katsucky:** my anxiety is just rlly high today and phi has lots of classes so i got overwhelmed with my thoughts, ig_  
_**katsucky:** but i;m sure it'll calm down_  
__**_**whodranktherum:** :_ ** _.... If you're sure._  
__**_**whodranktherum:** :_ ** _If you need anything, we're here for you! <3_  
_**lightafire:** yEAH_  
_**demon-cat:** ^^^^^^^^^^_  
_**katsucky:** thanky ou guys  <3<3<3_  
_**katsucky:** so u h _  
_**katsucky:** what's up guys? ehehe_  
_**lightafire:** k at you're kil ign me_  
_**lightafire:** how can oyu ac tso casu l_  
_**_**whodranktherum:** :_** _Light, please, we can't understand you.__  
_**lightafire:** dc itransl ate_  
_**demon-cat:** SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH_  
_**demon-cat:** alright_  
_**demon-cat:** she said: "kat you're killing me" "how can you act so casual"_  
_**demon-cat:** and then "dc translate"_  
_**lightafire:** tha nnks_  
_**katsucky:** thanks yurio _  
_**demon-cat:** wAIT GUYS_  
_**demon-cat:** i had a th ou gh t_  
_**demon-cat:** if you guys started dating like vik and yuuri did_  
_**demon-cat:** would your ship name be like,,,,,_  
_**demon-cat:** lightsnow? snowlight?_  
_**demon-cat:** definitely snowlight_  
_**demon-cat:** it sounds like starlight_  
_**katsucky:** or moonlight_  
_**demon-cat:** YEAH_  
_**_**whodranktherum:** :_** _............................................................................................................__  
_**lightafire:** ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,_  
_**lightafire:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_  
_**katsucky:** fuck, guys, don't tell me you're dating too_  
_**_**whodranktherum:** :_** _uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh__  
_**hamsteroverlord:** holy shit i missed os much and i'l read that later bc first uhh_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** snow didn't use fucking _  
_**hamsteroverlord:** poncuationn_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** puncuation_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** pUNCTUATION_  
_**katsucky:** gu y s_  
_**katsucky:** HAvE yoU BeEN hOLDinG OuT ON uS_  
_**lightafire:** sNOW WHAT DO I SAY_  
_**_**whodranktherum:** :_** _U M M M M M M__  
_**demon-cat:** gUYS I MADE SNOW SPEECHLESS WTFFF_  
_**hamsteroverlord:** yurio there is No Swearing In My Server_  
_**demon-cat:** ok 1 i didn't swear_  
_**katsucky:** he didn't swear tho???????_  
__**demon-cat:** and 2 there are mORE PRESSUING MATTERS 

__________"YUURI HOLY SHIT." Yuuri almost threw his phone at Phichit's face as the door slammed open, scaring him shitless._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________"Sweet Jesus, Phi.." Yuuri held a hand to his chest as he took a few deep breaths._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________"So apparently Snow and Light are dating and we've known them, what? Two years? And yet we never knew about this!?" Phichit walked over to the couch and grabbed Yuuri's shoulders. "How are you not freaking out more, Yuuri?!"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Yuuri flinched at his friend's harsh grip, and as if he was burned Phichit pulled away. "Sorry," Yuuri started, raising his hands. "I just- it's been." He sighed. "Today hasn't been great so far and I..."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________"I'm sorry!" Phichit yelled, taking a step back. Looking now, he could see the evidence of Yuuri's anxiety attack in the redness of his eyes and his hunched posture. "I'm sorry," he repeated, calmer now. "I know that sometimes you don't like contact. I should have checked."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Scooting to the end of the couch, Yuuri gestured for Phichit to sit. He curled his arms around his legs, took a deep breath, and spoke. "I'm not upset. I know I haven't had a day like this in a while, and I know you're family is very close and you aren't used to it. You feel back into a normal routine, it's okay." He smiled at his friend, who gave a shaky smile back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________"Thanks, Yuu. But it's not all about me. I made you uncomfortable, even if it was unintentional, and I'm still sorry for it. Let me know when I can hug you again? Because I'd like to hug you again."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Yuuri nodded. "Of course." He held is hand up, and Phichit placed his against it briefly in a show of affection with minimal contact. It wasn't a hug, no where near, but it was what Yuuri could take right now, and Phichit would be damned before he ever did something that would genuinely upset Yuuri on purpose._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________They sat in a comfortable quiet for a while, the tv playing a Friends rerun. The laugh-track played as Phoebe said something, and Phichit came back in with two mugs; a hot chocolate for himself, and a tea for Yuuri._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Yuuri's phone buzzed quite a few times as he took a sip, and he gingerly set down the hot cup to picked up his phone to see._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________**Private message between ; katsucky & vitenka** _  
_**vitenka:** oh my god, yuuri, are you okay????_  
_**vitenka:** i'm so so sorry_  
_**vitenka:** i just got off of work, i had to stay late bc i came in late_  
_**vitenka:** and then my boss wanted to talk to me and that ended up taking a while_  
_**vitenka:** but, babe, are you okay?_  
_**katsucky:** i'm okay, victor, it's okay_  
_**katsucky:** i mean,, when i sent the messages i wsan't okay_  
_**katsucky:** but i'm okay now_  
_**katsucky:** my mom talked me through it, and then yurio, light and snow, and now i have phichit next to me_  
_**vitenka:** oh thank god i was so worried_  
_**vitenka:** i'm so sorry that i wasn't here for you_  
_**katsucky:** it's ok, victor!! you had better stuff to do!_  
_**vitenka:** no, yuuri, wait_  
_**vitenka:** i don't think it was better that i wasn't here when you needed me_  
_**vitenka:** it's my job, as your boyfriend, to be there for you.._  
_**vitenka:** i'm just really glad you're okay now  <3_  
_**katsucky:** victor, i..._  
_**katsucky:** i love you so much  <333_  
_**vitenka:** i love you too, yuuri  <33_  
_**vitenka:** please, if you're ever feeling that way again, you'll let me know?_  
_**katsucky:** of course, darling_  
_**katsucky:** but you have to promise to do the same_  
_**vitenka:** i will_  
_**katsucky:** promise?_  
_**vitenka:** promise  <3_

__________Yuuri smiled at his phone. Sure, maybe Victor hadn't been there right when he'd needed him, but to know that Victor would be there for him whenever he could, and that Victor trusted him that much..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________It made his heart glow._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so an end note, yay. so, i cite my girlfriend as my inspiration a lot, and i use a lot of what has happened between us in this story, so i figured i could tell you guys; i really had to update today bc today was my gf's and my first year anniversary!!! so yea that was a big motivator for me to work on this oof.
> 
> anywho, come talk to me on my tumblr, [undadasea](https://undadasea.tumblr.com)!!! i love comments, and talking about my fics, and just talking in general, i swear i don't bite :3


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